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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
a rescue, an attitude, a conversation, all my love.
2019-09-22 @ 8:06 p.m.
what a day! oh my goodness! so this will definitely personally identify me because everyone in my immediate circle has been with me through this brief saga. but what can i do. i mean, all i can say is that i've been 100% honest, guys. don't read a person's diary. anyway, so yesterday when i got in to work TS said yo there's kittens behind the storage shed! they were back there playing! and i was like omg. so i went to go see them and they were nowhere to be found. he said, maybe they'll come out later. but they probably will need some food, because their mom was hit by a car last night/this morning. that made me super sadface because she used to come around every afternoon and go through our trash and sleep in the parking lot. i put food out for her a few times a week so she had a safe place to hang around. my neighborhood is really small but it is sandwiched between two extremely heavily trafficked thoroughfares and two major interstates. people let their cats out and it's so, so dangerous here. they don't usually make it long. i hate seeing a cat coming by for a few months, then seeing it on the side of the road one day. it kills me. i know people think "cats need to go out" but i just can't agree with that sentiment when you live somewhere like this. anyway, so these guys were so small! like tiny little guys!! 5 weeks old at most. so i went and got some wet food from the dollar store and put it out with a little dish of water yesterday afternoon and a few of them came out to eat. guys. they were soooooo cute. like when they're still tiny and bumbling and awkward and they just belly flop into the plate of food because they don't even know what they're doing. my heart. so TS kept saying you need to try to catch them because the raccoon might get them. and i'm like yeah, that and they're definitely not old enough to hunt or care for themselves yet. they won't make it long. so i put food out for them once again right as we were leaving even though they had disappeared. i had a really awful sleep last night and ended up waking up around 4am unable to get to sleep again, so i took some sleeping pills (i also forgot to turn the AC on before going to bed and was so fucking hot!! why is it 90 degrees in late september!?). i woke up at like 11 something, late as hell, and the first thing i did was wash and put my face on so i could go check on the kittens. just as i had finished in the bathroom and was sitting down to sip my coffee, boss called "they're here! they're here! come quick!" so i threw my clothes on and raced over. they were all coming out to him, probably starving, because the plate i had put out last night was licked clean. he's taking pictures because they are just heartbreakingly adorable. boss had to run and pick his kid up from somewhere (and is scared of cats -__- "what if you get rabies!?") so i was left to my own devices. i put out a new plate of food so three of them immediately came over to eat. i grabbed them easily and put them in a big box with a t-shirt in the bottom. they were in there crying like crazy but they couldn't get out. the last two stuck together like glue, but one was a little more cautious than the other. the brave one came out to sniff me curiously and i grabbed him, but he was so wiggly he ran away and told his little brother not to trust me so i couldn't get to either of them. i then had the thought, "when i catch all of them, what am i going to do with them?" animal control doesn't open until tomorrow and i can't bring them into my tiny place with my cat here. he's so nosy he'd jump right into the box with them and i'm sure they probably had fleas and worms, like most wild kittens do. couldn't leave them alone in the office (we turn the AC off overnight so it was like 100 degrees in there). didn't want to separate the three i caught from the other two because if they couldn't hear each other crying, they might wander off and we might never find them. my mom suggested calling the adoption center in ptsmrt to see if they could house them overnight. they directed me to someone else, who directed me to someone else, etc. through 5 phone calls until i ended up at our local police, who said they were "kind of too busy for kittens." i said i get it, can you just give me someone's phone number. so the officer was really cool and gave me the main dispatch of the cty animal control and i got the one poor lady working alone all day. she was also really busy but told me good things to do just in case she didn't make it out today. 3 hours later, she showed up, got the grabby stick and a cage and managed to find the other two babies deep inside a hole in the ground the mama had been hiding them in. success! she said they were the perfect age to get socialized and fixed and adopted out because they looked really healthy aside from the probable fleas and worms. yes! i was so happy. it was totally worth it to spend my day off at work in the 90 degree (humid fucking bullshit nj) weather. i said to TS and boss yesterday that if i came to work and saw a dead kitten, i myself would die. so i was really determined to save these guys, and mission accomplished. my cat was pissed that i spent most of our day off together with other cats, so he's been alternating between giving me the cold shoulder and aggressively begging for chicken wings. i hadn't eaten all day and bought stuff to cook last night but knew that i'd be a good 2 hours away from eating if i cooked so i gave in and went nuts on chicken. now i'm full and tired and happy. probably going to game a little bit and then cook the food so i have lunch this week. i wanted to clean today but i guess i'm going to do a little bit each night this week. not my favorite option but i can't go more than two weeks between deep cleanings. it's funny that i was going to write a couple times this week about stuff but it was only a paragraph or two so i never followed through. now i can't remember what i was going to say at all. i guess it wasn't super important. i had a really busy week and hope to have another one this week. need to make that money! -- i started writing this last night (sunday evening) and after i wrote that last paragraph i stopped to go cook and try to remember what it was i wanted to write about last week. now it's monday and i remembered one of the things. first, i will depress you with this information i learned today: the mama cat had not died on the side of the road, as i had assumed when they said "she was hit." she survived the accident and passed away between two of our buildings, on a path that led right back to the hole in which she had hidden her babies. boss's dad said she was just laying there. i can't even tell you how sad this story makes me. i hope that now that i got it out, i can stop thinking about it :( the only good thing about it is that we got the babies safely. that warms my heart significantly. so i learned that while i was away, MS lost his job again. he worked at one place for like 6 months when he first left us, then moved to this new place boss hooked him up with maybe 4 months ago?? i honestly don't remember at all, but it's been less than 6 months for sure. i asked boss why he was fired, and they said "he wasn't a team player." yeah, no shit. MS (and boy too, this is a type) is one of those chip on your shoulder guys who feel that the world is out to get them, and is perpetually angry and negative and attitudey. it's like they're emotionally frozen at 12-14 year old boys, and have these temper tantrums and make these incredibly stupid, short sighted decisions in their lives, but it's always someone else's fault that they made them. you don't get it, these guys are the victims. it's not that they huffed and puffed and sulked and told their bosses to go fuck themselves, that's not why they got fired! it's because "that place was all fucked up," "the owner is an asshole" and "favoritism." listen, i get it that sometimes in your life you need to tell your boss to go fuck themselves. but i also get that when you're a fucking grown ass man in your 30s with a child to support, you should by now have some self-restraint and understand the consequences of doing this. repeatedly. now that i am free of boy and i learned what normal REALLY is, when i would hear MS talking to his kid, or one of the girls he was dating, i knew right away that he was an angry, abusive asshole. i've heard him physically fighting with his kid on multiple occasions. when he would bring him to work, the way he talked down to him for simple mistakes was so awful and kind of triggering. i would feel my body tense up because that's exactly the tone and kind of silly minor shit that my mom would make me feel like an absolute piece of garbage for. and boy too. MS has a cool, "pleasant" personality when he's in a good mood, but changes to snippy, passive-aggressive, nastily sarcastic guy at the drop of a hat. to sum it up: a really shitty attitude. we learned this about him quickly when he started working with us, and when boss was able to get rid of him and put him in the new store, it was one of the best days of his life. but then, he started hating going over there because he would say, "i just can't stand his miserable face." i thought it was kind of funny that boss hated him so much (boss gives some of the worst people ever a million chances but feels so passionately about his hatred for MS), but i totally understood it. he's the kind of guy who could just suck all of the air and good feelings out of the room in an instant. just like boy, just like my mother. all this to say, i was SUPER unsurprised that he got fired, again. but boss is his landlord so every time this fucker gets fired from somewhere, boss gets nervous MS won't be able to pay his rent and MS tries to guilt him into hiring him back (because he knows boss is a pussy and has a super hard time firing anyone, case in point, JC). every time, i have to say, "boss. you fucking hated that guy, every time you had to interact with him it ruined your day, AND, he stole from us!" and he's like oh, shit yeah. i always forget about the stealing part. sigh. okay so that's it this time, i'm wrapping it up, i've said my piece and i feel complete. boss and i also had a really good talk about his daughter this afternoon into the evening. i hope that he goes home and has the talk with her that he wants and needs to have, and doesn't let her yelling or her tears deter him. it all comes down to the way his culture is very into appearances, and everyone needs to try to show everyone they're better off than their neighbor. they were all raised that way, but boss is struggling financially more than he will let on and can't keep it up anymore. his wife, who hadn't worked for 25 years, had to go back to college so she could get a job for the health insurance. his neglected middle child embraced that he was virtually invisible and so faded into the background, worked for himself, paid his own way, and is doing great - though he hates his job, he's suffering through it for the experience and to have such a prestigious company on his resume. boss's daughter has been raised the typical "princess" but dad can't keep it up anymore. she's also been hitting up the grandparents for like, thousands a month. boss just wants to tell her listen, you need to rein it in. she quit an excellent job in nyc due to "anxiety," which i totally get, and said she was going to take the summer off then find a new job. (other notes of interest: she was making an insane salary of which she spent every last penny, and had a special schedule to accommodate her newfound conservative religious beliefs.) now the summer is over and she just goes to the city to hang out with her friends, buys gifts for her friends on her father's and grandfather's credit cards, and shop for clothes and shoes and gets her nails done. boss was ranting about this and saying that he wanted her to get a job, any job, just to pay for her own expenses. he said "i don't care, get a job at walmart!" and i said, "yeah, if you hadn't raised her to think she's too good for walmart." he was like fuck, you're right. i kind of created a monster here. well, admitting your problem is the first step toward solving it. okay. really done now. i just love being able to spend so much time being present in moments and spending time really reflecting on them, and on myself and the people around me, instead of constantly fearing for the future and being able to focus on literally nothing else but the wide variety of fucked up shit i might wake up to tomorrow. every day is truly a blessing for me now. fall is coming. i lay here on my couch in this town i love so much, with my cat i love so much, my job and my boss i love so much, my tiny little apartment that gets so much sunlight and feels like home to me, a feeling i've found at last that i love so much, and my family is ... my family but we try our best to love one another. i can't even count all of my blessings these days. thank you for being here with me. |