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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
good smells, good feels, a sweater.
2019-09-27 @ 8:02 p.m.
ugh, i have to change the pic on my template but i keep signing in and seeing it and forgetting to. i love it so much when people tell me that i smell good. i was reading rddt comments the other day in a thread about things that people find really creepy, and someone said they hated when people said that and a TON of people chimed in and agreed. they kind of felt that it was too intimate a thing to comment on, which i kind of get? but like, i don't wear perfume and shit for no one to like it. of course, i'm mostly doing it for me because i absolutely love it, i am a very scent-oriented person. (i think i'd rather lose my hearing than lose my sense of smell.) so i spend a lot of time choosing my fragrances, making sure they smell good on my skin in different temperatures and different times of the month. coordinating certain florals with the color i'm wearing. it's a thing i'm into. but i'm totally also doing it for other people to enjoy it as well. so if a person compliments my scent politely, not in a creepy predatory way (because i've definitely gotten those too), i am delighted to accept it graciously. i feel that way about anything about me. i look a certain way, and i put time and money and some degree of effort into my appearance. i also look somewhat unusual so i'm okay with people commenting on my appearance politely - good or bad! if you are not "the norm" then i think it is to be expected. as long as people aren't rude assholes to me i'm pretty chill. i think - and i hope! - that the summer is almost over. next week is going to be pretty warm but after that it drops abruptly, which i'm SUPER excited about because that will be the weekend i take off. this weekend i'm working again because i have soooo much work to do. like i have stuff to do just for myself, but then there are like general business things that i take care of (the social media, the leads, the website, emails) that i also still have to do, and THEN there's boss needing me to do whatever he's panicking about at the moment. the first 90 minutes to 2 hours of each of my days is to help boss figure out what he wants to eat for lunch, then going to get it. usually everyone else is like omg are you going to x? y is not far from there, can you stop there too? and someone else is like omg z is pretty close to y, right? can you stop there too? they refuse to pay extra for delivery and then have to tip on top of it so this is just what i do every day. and of course i don't complain because i'm getting paid to do this. but it sort of cuts into my productivity. oh my goodness these fall days! soon i will be in a sweatshirt and the sky will be that partly sunny patchy clouds kinda overcast autumn magic. then snow! i'm just so excited about it all. my life is so together right now, everything is so comfortable and safe and good. i can fully settle into the good feels. bring them on. -- of course i stopped writing last night to do something so now it's wednesday. i got in to work today, said my hellos, then sat in front of my fucking computer for the entire rest of the day. entering in repetitive orders, same program, printing same invoice form, over and over again. bleh. can't wait til i'm done with all of this. boss is going to be closed on saturday so i can enjoy a day of complete peace!! there is so much paperwork i need to get done, but also little things like i need to clean and organize my desk (i'm close to the trash can and the door so people have a very annoying habit of just "dropping off" things at my desk that i don't want or need and are usually trash), i need to do some filing in the back room, i need to change my blotter and update this list of contacts i made for companies/people/etc we frequently call or fax. i started yelling at boss a couple of years ago, telling him he "loves paper" because he's a person who wants every single thing printed out and put into a file. shit we will only ever look at one time, something so insignificant like ordering some hinges or something and he wants the entire series of emails printed out, the item description, save the invoice inside the box and the box itself for 5 years just in case!! (i'm kind of joking about the 5 years figure but i'm kind of not ...) as a result i have like at least 200 pages of miscellaneous papers filling up my desk organizer and it's starting to buckle. enough already. you don't have enough time in a day, and in your life, to fucking "follow up" on absolutely everything. time to let some of it go. uuuuugggggghhhh i think i am allergic to the material of this sweater that i absolutely love. i wore it today for the first time in a couple of years and i felt okay all day but now that i'm home i have a huge rash on the back of my neck and my chest where the neckline fell. funny story about this sweater - i had one just like it, same print and everything but a slightly darker color, when i was in high school. i wore it SUPER often, it was perfectly soft and fit me perfectly too. my mom had this thing when we were growing up where she felt that because you were her child and lived in her house, none of your possessions belonged to you, they belonged to her. so she would regularly go through our rooms and just take our shit and throw it out or sell it at the flea market. if you wanted to keep something, you had to hide it really well which was incredibly difficult, or beg a friend/family member to let you keep it there. it was so hard to protect anything that we just resigned ourselves to never really get attached to anything because it could disappear at any time. you know where this is going. one day, she took the sweater. an even more annoying thing that my mother STILL does is that she will move or disappear something of yours and completely straight-faced, completely bought in, tell you that she has "no idea what you're talking about." we regularly quote it in the family when we talk amongst each other about how she does this to this day. so when i asked her what happened to my sweater, that's the line i got. and i was like mom, are you really being serious? you washed this thing and put it in my room at least once a week. there are pictures of me wearing it. YOU BOUGHT ME THE SWEATER. and this fucking insane person, somehow the same person who brought me into this world, said to me, "i really have no idea what you're talking about." and that was that, it was gone, never to be seen again. until like ... 10 years later? i was in the thrift store with boy, one of the ones we used to frequent when we were together in high school. we were having a nostalgia date. and we're walking up to the register, i have all this stuff, and i see the arm sticking out from a row of sweaters. i'm like ... this looks just like MY sweater, but it's ... lighter than i remember. i stop and take it off the hanger and it is made by the SAME designer, same print but a lighter background color, and one size smaller, in perfect condition. but it was the one. of course i bought it immediately, and have only taken it to the dry cleaners. epilogue: i went to my mom's house for some holiday and wore the sweater. she sees it, eyes it, touches the fabric. "didn't you have a sweater like this in high school?" the end. -- now it's friday night, i don't know why i didn't press done the other night! i think i thought i was going to proofread and shit but now it's today, and i'm still not going to do it! i hope this all makes sense, haha. <3 |