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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
everything is weird.
2020-04-04 @ 8:04 p.m.
so i started writing this on march 15th and once again neglected to actually post it. the second part was written on march 17th, same story with the not posting. today, it is april 4, and that part is at the end. i'm personally not panicking about the virus situation but feel like i should write about it because it's something i think will be worth having been recorded in my life. it's not affecting me directly (YET, i should probably say) but i am spending a lot of time thinking about it because daily life has changed in some major ways but not at all in others. things are being cancelled, schools closed. stores (here, at least) are completely sold out of some major necessities right around the corner, but here in our strange little bubble, everything is normal. i went to wendy's today and it was packed, people sitting in the dining room eating. 6 people in front of me in line. a man coughing openly in the middle of the waiting area. no one bats an eye. but the roads are empty. it's like the twilight zone. i drove through the downtown of this area that is usually almost always packed with both cars and foot traffic. ghost town. i went to pick up takeout from this amazing chinese place in a plaza that is always so busy you have to park around the back. not a single person at the restaurant except the staff, or in the parking lot. i don't know what to think. it's such a weird, heavy atmosphere out there. but my parents think it's a joke. mr. able is stuck in FL, can't get back. i don't think this will be over in two weeks. i worry about my grandmother. a lot. at least i could chuckle today when i thought i'm really glad all of my stupid fucking hobbies might actually serve me well soon enough. no bread at the store? i can make my own! frozen and canned food aisles are empty? oh, don't worry, i know how to make my own soup and sauces and pickled vegetables, and how to can/jar them too. i can last a couple of months on beans, rice, and oatmeal if i absolutely have to. i know personally several farmers who sell milk and cheese and eggs from their farms. i'll make it alright if it starts to get really crazy like that. i'm a little bit scared of getting sick, but i've been serious about my vitamins ever since this started. i'm more scared of other people. so, we'll see. i'm thinking of all of you out there all over the world. i hope it's just an abundance of caution and all of your friends and families stay well. today was another miserable day at work. the "movers" came to help and carried out most of the huge stuff, but they needed to leave after a few hours so boss's wife, son, and dad came to help. boss had all of these files from before the business was even "the business," like back from 2002, 2003. we had to check through each one of these and throw them in to be shredded, but then boss decided that he wanted to keep the folders (-_______-) so it took twice as long and needed more hands. we were supposed to be getting RID of things, CLEANING HOUSE, but now not only did we not get rid of all of this shit but now we have to find another place to put it. i didn't even move the rest of my stuff today. i was too tired, and boss still has so much shit left in there too so it doesn't matter. i can take it over tomorrow. hopefully i don't have to spend the whole rest of the day there again tomorrow because my body hurts and i'm exhausted. at about 4pm today i caught boss outside and was like yo, i just got my period so let's get the fuck out of here asap bro. i already feel like shit and this is not going to improve my mood. i also was sure to let him know that i am absolutely not working this weekend, under any circumstances, and he probably shouldn't even try to call me. he said well, i'll call you if i want to, and i said well i probably won't answer the phone. and he's like what's so important? and i said a game i've been awaiting eagerly will be released, and i'm going to play the fuck out of it. he's like what is it about? and i was like "you go on a vacation to a deserted island and make friends with animals? and build a house? and grow fruit and flowers ...?" and he was like ooooookay. as i was saying it i realized how ridiculous it sounded. hahaha. -- i started writing this on sunday and was just so tired i couldn't finish. after i ate dinner that night my body decided for me that it was all over. had to sleep. and i did, for a looong time. since then, they closed all restaurants, movie theaters, gyms, bars, and casinos, and started an 8pm curfew to discourage people from congregating. there is still milk and water in some places, but you can't get chicken, cereal, soup, rice, beans, canned tomatoes, bread, and a lot of other things hardly anywhere. i am smart and went to an ethnic grocery store and found all of the dry goods i needed. there's such an eerie feeling in the air, like this is the calm. it's keeping me really on edge. i am not a hysterical, dramatic kind of person - in fact, i think i often under-react to things. but i have been trying for a long time to work on understanding what my gut is trying to tell me. recognizing those "feelings" i get sometimes. and i have a not so good feeling about this. each passing day feels like it does right before a thunderstorm. the trees and flowers are starting to bloom, the birds are chirping, and the sun doesn't set until 7pm. but the roads are empty, and the windows are dark. and boss is just carrying on like nothing is happening. they've only closed things for two weeks. is that enough? am i just overreacting? how bad can it get? how bad will it get? -- um yeah, so it could, and did, get pretty fucking bad. by the end of that week, the cases here in new jersey were doubling every day. the curfew turned into a closure of all non-essential businesses. grocery stores are still ravaged, but i am too afraid to go shopping anymore. like i mentioned last time, there are a lot of people just casually going on about their business like nothing is going on, but luckily not that many because everything is closed and there just aren't a lot of places for them to go. i've been working from home for two weeks now. i see boss for about an hour or so after everyone goes home, maybe three? times a week? he closed today because business is abysmal. there's no reason to be open and have to pay everyone for an extra day if there's nothing to do. ER isn't coming in for the foreseeable future. he's scared but there also isn't much for him to do. we're all kind of just ... waiting. i'm in the southern part of the state, living in a poor kind of pass through town, so i don't think a lot of our people are going to the areas up north that are so badly affected. but i know it's only a matter of time. i'm just so worried about myself, because i have a lot of the conditions that they say coincide with a poor outcome. i'm also worried about my insane fucking parents, who think this is all bullshit and "hysteria." i talk to my mom more often than my brother does, so he made some comment in our family chat and my stepdad replied in his typical disgusting racist ultra conservative way, and my brother didn't reply, and i just knew he read my stepdad's reply and was like ... huh? so i texted him on the side and was like dude, i don't know if you were aware but our parents are not taking this seriously at all, are going out and about like everything is fine, and that it's just the flu and you need to "build an immunity to that stuff." he was like holy shit man, no i didn't know. and i said yeah, i'm just telling you this because they too are in the danger demographic. all of us are. and they live in an absolute hotbed county for infections. i think we need to just emotionally prepare for all possibilities here. and let's go back to my parents' denial of the situation here - like, when in your lifetime did governors across the country start to close everything down because of the flu? when else were makeshift hospitals being set up in central park because of massive numbers of sick people? what other time did the president declare our state a disaster area because of the flu? i feel like ... i don't know man, this is MAYBE a little more serious than the flu, just based on some pretty surface observations. it'll be so fucking stupid to lose one or both of my parents to this but like what can i really do? there's no talking to them about anything, and definitely no convincing them of anything. so i just ... am hoping everything turns out okay. as of today we have like 34k cases and just shy of 850 deaths. i think we have a lot longer than another couple of weeks ahead of us. i'm sorry if this last part is a mess, i just know i haven't written in a while and wanted to say i'm still alive. every day i'm dying of anxiety so i escape to games and cooking. i'm trying my best to keep my mind off of the outside world. i also smoked a lot of weed because i was having a great day, enjoying a rare saturday off, and suddenly my uterus was like LOL your period is in a couple days, remember!? uggh. the days are blending together in the worst way so no, i didn't remember, but do now! oh, and mr. big is delighted that i am home all day with him. he has a window perch, a blanket nest, and my lap, and he just rotates through us all day. he's a cool guy and i'm glad we found each other just in time! buddies for the apocalypse. kidding. kind of. alright well that's it. back to my busy schedule of gaming and watching movies. have you watched tiger king yet!? if you haven't, schedule it in ... i just sat here for a full minute trying to think of a way to summarize my feelings but couldn't think of anything more articulate than "it's a fucking trip." ok love you guys out there, be safe. everything is weird. we only have each other. |