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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i'm happy to do whatever it is, with you.
2011-11-28 @ 11:19 a.m.
thanksgiving was super awesome. i made a ton of food, and everyone loved it. well, the people with tastebuds loved it. the old-fashioned boring palate people couldn't get past the tiny amount of chili powder in the cottage pie (those of us who normally eat spicy food couldn't even taste it), or the fact that i put bananas and peanut butter together for dessert (so insanely edgy! sarcasm.), or the fact that i splashed a tiny bit of vinegar into my roasted vegetables to give them a little more flair (this was tolerated best). i've got a lot of exciting ideas for christmas dinner already. i was feeling so ridiculously stressed about christmas gift time for the extended family, since we have many, but the products i've been making lately will make amazing gifts and cost me very very little. ALSO, the new food network magazine had a little tear out section full of treats and various chocolates that can be given as gifts. perfect timing!! my mom just happened to be at sam's (the wholesale club) the other day and bought me like 10 lbs of baking chocolate for christmas, but i didn't think i wouldn't use it all this year. guess i was wrong! boy and i started out saturday with a fight, which made me mad, because i hate it when our weekends get ruined. but the night before (and that morning) he was waiting around for ex to call him so he could pick up little A, but she never did, so he started out in a shit mood. (i haven't written about this, but she's been avoiding boy's calls and keeping little A away from him intentionally for weeks now. just more immature, manipulative mind games, using her own child as a pawn.) i came down in the morning, after he had already been awake for several hours, and said hi as usual. then, almost immediately, i was catching all kinds of attitude. when i am the recipient of said attitude, i just stop talking to him. like really, i'm not down for that shit. so then he keeps asking me what MY problem is. finally i just told him, you know, i really don't appreciate the fucking tone. and of course he has no idea what i'm talking about, and doesn't think he has any attitude whatsoever, so i told him that i don't appreciate waking up in an amazing mood just to be snapped at for no reason. and again, he's like wtf no i didn't, and finally i just said whatever man, just don't fucking talk to me like i'm [ex wife]. so he said he didn't realize he was doing it, and he would never talk to me like that, and i had to tell him to think again, because that's all i had been getting all day. and don't try to tell me i'm making it up, because i hear him talking to her all the time. he apologized, at first superficially, and told me that he had always been told he had a problem with his tone, his whole life, and he doesn't realize when he's doing it and that i was being silly for getting offended. i said, oh, okay, so if YOU woke up in an awesome mood and came downstairs, ready to start the day, and i was coming at you with a snippy ass tone FOR NO REASON that you could figure out, wouldn't YOU get offended and annoyed? so then he kind of realized that wow, yeah, that could really ruin his day, because that's what ex wife does to him all the time. so that argument was over. i remained reticent for most of the rest of the day. though i can communicate and confront when necessary, it's not in my nature to do so. at heart, i'm an avoider. so i really just didn't speak unless spoken to, until it was almost nighttime. he tried to trip me on my way back out to the car, and when we got to the store, he kept bumping into me as we walked. when i looked over at him, he was giving me that look, and i realized he was trying to say he was sorry. we spent the rest of the evening playing left for dead, and it was great. one of the arguments that had occurred during the day that day was about how indecisive we both are. to simplify and boil it down to its absolute essence, makes it this: i was annoyed because he decides he wants to do things, rushes me into getting dressed and ready and to leave the house, but has no idea WHAT exactly he wants to do and does not plan accordingly, then gets mad at ME when i can't decide what to do either. he said he gets annoyed because i can't make a decision either, and he hates it when he asks what we should do, and i respond, "i don't know. what do you want to do?" i respond this way because - when someone says, "go take a shower and get ready!" i generally assume that they already have an idea of what i'm getting ready for. i hate being rushed in the first place, and then to be rushed to get into a car and start driving, and then have to turn around or backtrack or actually get to a place and have to leave because he didn't really want to go there? SO ANNOYING. he said he found it equally annoying that i answer his questions with a question, but i told him i only do that because i need more guidance than "something" or "somewhere" as a set of driving directions. he then said that sometimes he just wants me to decide for him, because he can't. okay, then just say that! he always says he's just so worried that i'm not going to be happy with what he wants to do, because i'm always so amiable and agreeable with whatever he says. i said honey, that's just because i'm so easygoing that i really don't care either way. i will always be able to find something that interests me somewhere, and i will always be able to find something on a menu that intrigues me. really. so once we had that argument on saturday, we discussed and agreed on what we were going to do on sunday the night before, and came up with a rough timetable. this made both of us happy because i didn't feel rushed in the morning, i had time to look up the addresses of the places we were going and put them in my GPS ahead of time, and he didn't have to worry that i was just going along with the plan, or that i was getting annoyed. we could both focus on the fun stuff ahead. and we did. we went to ikea first, because i needed a new lamp. i had this lamp in the living room since i bought the house that i absolutely loved. it was one of those tall paper lamps, but it gave out great light and had a really nice geometric look that went well with all of the modern decor in here. we were both lazy and didn't want to go to ikea to get new lightbulbs for it (even though it's literally 15 minutes from my house), so we put in some regular bulbs. the first sign of trouble was the fact that the dimmer no longer worked, and that the lamp, when turned off, would intermittently flash these crazy flashes of super bright light. again, instead of just sucking it up and driving into the city, we unplugged the lamp every time we were done using it to prevent the flashing. after only a month or so, the poor lamp called it quits on me and just stopped working. so when we were in ikea, i saw this display of the spherical paper lanterns, all hanging in a cluster from the ceiling, all at different heights. it looked so pretty and romantic, and i said as we walked by, "this is my dream lighting situation." boy looked at me confusedly and said, "then why don't you get them?" and i said i had no idea how to hook up things like that. he gave me this crazy eyebrow and said it was really no trouble at all, and explained how to do it. i said, can you do it? and he said of course! so we bought three of them. then we headed to south street for some stuff, and it was so weird to see how much it's changed since we were teenagers. that used to be the spot back then. we were the cool kids because we weren't scared of going to the city. it's way less impressive now that we're older, but it was really neat to see all of these landmarks and remember some of the moments we had together. we saw some people with tiny dogs in sweaters, and boy kind of said, in passing, how much he'd like a chihuahua. i mulled this over a little, because i'm not really against dogs, i just prefer cats. later when i brought it up, asking if he was serious, he was so excited because "i never thought you'd let me get one!" then, we made our final stop at the reading terminal market to get some delicious lunch/dinner and snacks for later. he was so sweet as we approached, and told me he'd be there with me if i started to get uncomfortable because it was so busy. we had many delicious eats, and he made sure to try everything he remembered from tv shows. i already had the one up on him from having gone once before with best friend, but we were sure to canvass every single inch of that place so we would have a solid game plan for next time we go. we came home and it took forever to get those lamps hanging, but they look so beautiful. i'm so excited about them, especially because the other lamp (though i love it so!) worked on a dimmer, and for some reason refused to be controlled by the wall switch. these do not have this problem, so we no longer have to walk into the dark living room to turn the light on. and i mean, come on. just the sight of these ethereal, softly lit globes, seemingly suspended in the air? too perfect. boy is so awesome for doing this for me. i didn't mention that we held hands all day. we were walking in ikea, and he just reached out and took my little hand in his and held it to his heart, like he used to do when we first started seeing each other again. such a small gesture. but this is what girls need. we just need to know we're appreciated, we're cared about. that's all. and as we scurried around the incredibly busy market, so many people looked at our fingers entwined, then looked at us and smiled. so, love? it makes other people feel good, too. |