tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

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.....

2013-03-11 @ 10:34 a.m.

this is so hard to write i don't even know if i can say all that i want to.

i had to put my sweet, precious baby boy to sleep yesterday.

i can't even. there are no words for how i feel right now.

i hadn't been writing about him because i was so scared of what could happen. i was scared of the worst, and though i know that avoiding it doesn't necessarily help, it kept me from focusing on the bad stuff, which i often do.

a while ago i wrote that boycat needed an MRI. i took him to the neurologist and she checked him out, and she said that he had feline vestibular disorder. it's a disorder that causes disturbances in equilibrium, balance, and coordination. it could be caused by a number of things, from as simply as a head injury, to an ear infection, a brain tumor or lesion, or nothing at all. she didn't want to totally freak me out, but she said that based on his symptoms, she was very fearful of a brain tumor. the MRI, as i wrote before, was $3,000 just by itself. she asked if i wanted them to keep him overnight for fluids and stuff, and i asked how much that was, and the overnight stay ALONE was $850. i asked, if it is a tumor, and i wanted to do surgery and everything, how much was i looking at? and she said at least $10,000, and of course assuming that the surgery was successful, there's no guarantee that the tumor wouldn't grow back, since cats are so small and everything progresses so rapidly in their little bodies.

she was super down to earth and awesome, so i said, this guy is my best buddy in the world. if you were me, what would you do? and she said honestly, even on my salary i don't know if i could afford the MRI, let alone everything else. she said we should treat it as a severe inner ear infection, and if we see any improvement, rad, but if not, then we know it's something else.

we went home with antibiotics and prednisone (if there was any ear infection or swelling or anything like that, the prednisone should reduce it), and after the 3rd day, he was dramatically better. like 50%. his balance had returned for the most part, he could manage the stairs again, and he started talking again (he was a super noisy boy. anytime you would walk by or say anything when he was nearby he would make little grunty sounds). the 4th day, though, he seemed like he wasn't feeling great again. on the 5th day (last monday), i called to refill his antibiotic, and when asked how he was doing, i said he was doing a lot better, because he was at the time of the call. but later that night i was sitting here on the couch and i heard him fall partially down the stairs. his little pads were slippery and he still had his claws, so he'd often get stuck in the carpet. but i worried that his improvement over those few days was false.

he liked to wander around at night, so i closed him in my office when i knew he couldn't manage the stairs, because he was stubborn and would still try to use them. that monday, late at night, i went in there to check on him and give him his medicine and he was stuck in the closet behind the vacuum. i thought it was a weird spot for him to decide to sleep, but when i called him to come to me, i realized that he was truly stuck back there. it seemed that he was just generally weak. like he couldn't muster the arm and leg strength to push himself up enough to get out. it wasn't that tight of a spot, so when i saw him that night my heart just sank. i told myself i would stay positive, but deep inside i knew what it was.

tuesday, he was kind of limping, if that's the right word for it. his back legs were just ... not strong. he'd take a few steps and seem okay, but when he would try to turn around or look up, he would stumble. but this is how he was when i took him to the neurologist in the first place, so i still wasn't TOTALLY freaking out. i noticed that he seemed skinnier than he had been, though, despite having an absolutely ravenous appetite, and though he had been super snuggly the past couple months while he wasn't feeling well, that week i would pick him up and he would just press his head into my chest or shoulder and pass out. i was spending most of each day just holding him or carrying him around, because it seemed like he was really stressed out when i wasn't near him. and i think also, because deep down inside, i knew i didn't have much time left with him.

wednesday, when trying to walk, his back right leg would completely give out. he had peed and pooped on the floor, and when i showed him the litterbox, tried to coax him into it, i realized that he wasn't using it because he didn't have the leg or arm strength to lift himself into it. all that night i heard this bumping and banging in my office. when i went in to see him thursday morning, he could barely walk at all. he could prop himself up with his shaky little arms, but when he would try to take a few steps, he would fall hard onto his side, and find it really hard to get back up. he also felt so skinny. he had lost a lot of weight, which we knew about, but when i weighed him that day, he had lost a lot more weight in just those two weeks since seeing the neurologist, and was severely dehydrated.

friday, i took him to the vet for fluids and because i was so concerned about his continuing weight loss and these sudden tremors he was having. his doctor just looked at him and said that she felt he looked so bad that she thought i'd be back later that night or the next day to put him down. i was like, what are you talking about? are you sure about this? i thought she was really jumping the gun. his ears and throat had never been examined thoroughly (as polyps had been suggested as a possible cause of the vestibular disorder), and what about a medication allergy? what about diabetes or kidney failure? she just shook her head sadly and said, probably not. but you can take him back to the neurologist if you really want to, just don't drive an hour up there for nothing.

on saturday, i called the hospital in the morning and his regular neurologist was not there, but an ER doc called me back. i explained the situation and he said that the most troublesome part of this is that he's eating, peeing, and pooping normally, but rapidly losing weight. he looked over his tests and bloodwork and said that absolutely everything was perfect, except a positive hit for feline coronavirus, which causes the incurable and fatal FIP. but he really didn't have any major symptoms of that. all of his symptoms, especially the rapid progression of them, pointed to something brain-related, whether it was a tumor or lesion or what have you, but he said i was welcome to bring him in to get checked out later on if i wanted.

i asked for the soonest possible appointment, and they told me to come in as soon as i was able. we had to pay our accountant for our taxes anyway (he's about 15 minutes from the hospital), so boy, little A, boycat, and i all headed up there and arrived at 5:15 or so.

since it's a 24 hour hospital, with an ER and everything, i ended up waiting forever because he was taken into triage and then had to wait for the more critical critters first. two hours later, he was hydrated and stable, and the ER doctor came to talk to me. she said that she and the doctor i had spoken with on the phone examined boycat, and yeah. he was really bad, but we couldn't be 100% sure without the MRI. i told her we couldn't afford it, and she said that honestly, she felt that it would be purely academic at this point and a waste of money. they had ruled out everything that wasn't brain-related. in all likelihood, even if it wasn't an actual tumor, whatever it was had most likely irreparably damaged certain nerves and/or parts of the brain responsible for important stuff like motor control and digestion which was why even the prednisone wasn't working (usually in cancer patients it will relieve swelling for some period of time to allow them to at least be made comfortable for awhile, but it wasn't helping him at all).

i asked her if he could be made comfortable until my parents came home from florida so i could bury him in their backyard, and she said no. that humans with brain tumors report that the worst part is the headaches, and that his tremors (from the pain) would continue to get worse and worse, and it was going to get harder and harder for me to keep him safe and unhurt since he was barely strong enough to hold himself up anymore.

when i left the exam room and waited to pay, i texted boy, "bad news." we didn't get home until 10pm, and by that point i was emotionally and physically drained. i just held my baby boy as much as i could. before i took a shower, i held him in my arms in the bathroom and looked at him in the mirror. he's a weirdo and has always loved to look at himself in the mirror. but i just saw this look in his eyes, his so humanlike eyes, and it was just pain. he looked so tired. i told him that i knew, i just loved him so much that i wanted to be really sure.

before bed, i tried to get him to drink something, because i couldn't figure out why he was so persistently dehydrated when it seemed that his water dish was going down. his tremors were so bad that he was having a hard time getting his face down into his dishes. i held him still so he could eat, and when he tried to drink, i noticed that his whiskers were drooping on one side, and as a result he couldn't seem to gauge how far away the water was, and kept accidentally getting it in his nose. oh, my poor baby.

yesterday morning i woke up early, in tears, just as i had woken up for the past several days. i had closed him into the closet overnight and lined it with pillows so if he fell over he would land on them. when i picked him up, he was almost entirely limp, and had peed on his tail because he didn't have the strength to lift it enough. i held his little head to my shoulder and let him look out the window for as long as he wanted, then i gave him as much wet food as the wanted. i came downstairs and just sat in silence with him on the couch, and he tucked his head into my shoulder, right next to my cheek. boy asked what we were going to do, and i said i needed more time with him. i forgot it was daylight savings, so it was 11:30am, and our regular vet (5 mins away) was only open until 2. furthermore, they didn't do home euthanizations, and his regular doctor wasn't there, so they gave me the number of a mobile vet that did do home euthanizations. at first, he was really uncomfortable with the idea [of doing it in the home], and especially that we would have to keep him here until my parents came back, but when i texted my mom to explain she said it was fine, and that we could just go in and do what we needed to do, and she would let me know the combo to the toolshed if we needed it.

* let me interject here that boy has been absolutely amazing through this and there is so much that he has done but i haven't really mentioned it much because of all of this other stuff.

so i told boy that i would rather take him up to the hospital later in the day so i would have enough time with him. i felt too rushed and uncomfortable about trying to run to our regular vet, so we scheduled it for 4pm so we could go, and then head right to my mom's house afterward.

boy called for me because i could barely get through a sentence without crying. he told them it was urgent, and that we needed to be seen right away. he even pre-paid so we wouldn't have to wait around afterward. after he got off the phone, i had to go to the bathroom and to make some tea and stuff, so i handed boycat off to him, and for only like the second time ever, he let him hold him. i took the most precious picture ever of the two of them together. they both look so sweet.

i turned on the heater downstairs, in front of which was boycat's favorite sleeping spot, and i just leaned back in the beanbag chair with him in my arms, and i told him how much i loved him and would miss him. i said, "remember when you used to trick my brother into feeding you after i had already fed you for the day? and you got super fat all of a sudden and we realized you were a really smart guy?" and then i talked to him about the birds, and sleeping in my bed with me, and how much i appreciated our short time together. i told him i was so sorry he was in so much pain, and that soon he would feel better, and that no matter what, his mama loves him.

boy came downstairs and sat with me, and asked if he could hold him for a while. i went off to look for the things we needed. i got his favorite string and looked for his other favorite toy, but then i realized that i wanted to keep it. i found a beautiful length of fabric in my office to wrap him in. when i came back, boy had boycat on his chest, and was kissing him and whispering to him how great of a friend he had been to him too, and that we would always love him and miss him. seeing him like that, comforting my baby boy ... it made my heart swell up.

a few minutes before we left, i made him a big bowl of his favorite food, which he scarfed down and got all over his face. when it was time to go, i picked my little baby boy up and wrapped him in the fabric. we brought the cat carrier too, but boycat was so weak that when i took him outside to get into the car, all he could do was lift his head and enjoy the smell of outside. i was worried that he would struggle and try to get out of my arms in the car since it was an hour ride, but he just rested his chin on my chest and managed a few weak purrs. the sun came in through the window and bathed him, and i was so happy he could have that, one of his favorite things.

as promised, they saw us immediately, and took us into one of the "family rooms" which was private, very nicely furnished, and had a private exit door, which we appreciated the most. when the doctor took him away to put the catheter in, it took a long time for them to come back, and i was getting a little bit mad that they were making us wait so long at such a sensitive time. but she returned with a little box, inside of which was a little leather box that contained a plaster cast of his pawprint, his name, and the rainbow bridge poem. we all kissed him goodbye, and he fell asleep in my arms, his head over my heart.

i made a little bed for him in a box that i had received some chocolate covered strawberries in, because he was my sweet boy. i gently laid him down and wrapped him in the cloth, and when we got to my mom's house, i tucked his string in there next to his soft little hands. we buried him in the backyard, near the other babies that had been lost over the years.

throughout the course of the day, i started feeling worse and worse. i know it was partly stress, but it was also the fact that little A never fucking covers his mouth when he coughs, despite being told to do so literally every single time he coughs, so now i have whatever he has. my stuffy nose from crying all day was making it really hard to breathe (without being a panty mouthbreather), which was causing my asthma to flare up. by the time we got home, i could barely breathe i was so stuffy, and then as the night wore on, i just felt worse and worse. my back was killing me from the labored breathing, trying to breathe through my nose felt like trying to suck air through a brick, and by the time we were ready to go up to bed, i had really bad shivers and a splitting headache. and also a fever of 101.6. awesome.

i barely slept last night because i was so hot and cold, and i'm just drained. i woke up this morning and cried because i went into the closet to get something to wear and saw boycat's half-eaten bowl of food on the floor, i cried again when i came in from putting little A on the bus and there was no one to greet me, and i cried again when i went upstairs earlier, saw the sun shining through the window in my office, and realized that my baby boy would never lay in it again.

i am so sad. the pain in my chest is unbearable. i know that people say it'll get better over time, but ....

i try my best to remain anonymous here just in case, but right now i don't care. i don't really care about anything. this boy is my heart, and he belongs here with every other important thing in my life.

i love you, babyboy. i can't wait for the day we meet again.