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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
this is all.
2013-03-13 @ 12:37 p.m.
thank you, everyone, for your kind words. forgive me for not being more articulate but my mind is just a mess of grief. like i walk past my office at certain times of the day and the sun spot is there but no one is in it. i walk up the stairs to my bedroom 10 times a day and pass this cat-sized grey spot on one of the landings and it just makes me burst into tears. it just feels like ... pain. i can't put it into words. to know you'll never see your best friend again. or at least, not for a very long time. the physical heartache is overwhelming. i went to my mom's yesterday to take care of her cats, and halfway there i started crying and couldn't stop. my granny called to see if i was on the way and i was just crying and crying. by the time i got there i was nearly hysterical. we sat in the dining room and she made me drink some tea and try to relax and i showed her my phone, the picture of boy holding boycat on that last day, and she kissed little boycat through the screen and told me that she'd get me a new cat when i was ready. my granny doesn't care for cats. 6 years ago, she gave me $100 for christmas, and i used it to pay the adoption fee for boycat. when i told her what i used it for, she was like "omg! i can't believe you spent it on a cat!!" since then, every holiday she's given me money, she's said, "and don't spend it on another stinkin' cat!" so when she hugged me yesterday like i was a little kid with my face buried in her stomach, sobbing uncontrollably, i appreciated so much that she understood how much i loved and still love him. and then boy. he calls me the other day and tells me that he's decided that next time we go to get tattooed, he's going to get the same tattoo i have of boycat, on the opposite leg on the opposite spot. i can't even tell you how touched i was to hear that. that boy loved him so much too. i feel so unbelievably sad, but these little things bring a little light to my heart. i guess that's it. |