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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
hypocrite.
2013-05-24 @ 5:55 p.m.
somehow, we just had a really calm and reasonable conversation about children in our future. i was complaining about how right now my uterus feels like it contains a dozen forks, and that if he knows anyone who deals within the black market to please remove it for me, as i do not need it. and he says, you're not having kids? and i said, i don't need to. it's not something i necessarily need to do. now, dear friends, you know that i was just ... being honest. and you also know i will not tell a lie. however, i felt a stab of conscience after i said that, because it's like, a half truth. because we both know that i should have just said, you're right. i'm absolutely not. but i kind of didn't want to ... disappoint him? or something? like, here's my deal. i do not WANT to have a kid. the idea of having a kid repulses and upsets and horrifies me on so many levels. for me, it is my worst nightmare. i truly, 100% believe that if i did have a kid, i would kill myself. i know that i cannot take the stress, the destruction of my body, having to deal with this ANNOYING OTHER PERSON all the time, the destruction of my home and property, the change in our relationship, etc. etc. there are just so many things that i love about our life and our relationship together, and little A's introduction into it is not something that i enjoy. i am unhappy, but in the grand scheme of things, i am okay i guess. but the child is one of the ingredients in the unhappy brew. and like, whatever man. you may be thinking, ugh she's such a horrible person. children are so magical. but ... they're not. that's the problem. so to continue, i said, "yeah, i read somewhere once that there are certain things that if you don't feel extremely strongly motivated to do them, you definitely shouldn't do them." and he looked at me super seriously, like dead on, and said, "YEAH." and i laughed, and he said, no seriously. even though all of that shit was going on with her, it was still ... not fun. the warm feelings are great and everything, but the rest of the time it kinda sucks. and inside, i was just like ah! i am so glad to hear this. because i knew that when we first got together it was a dealbreaker that i didn't want any, then he became on the fence and it was something that we didn't really talk about, and now i feel relieved that it's now an issue of (how i explained it) "if it comes over me." (hint: it won't.) let me end with this. people so often tell people who publicly declare that they don't want kids that they don't know what they're talking about and that they'll change their minds. that is like the top response to "i don't want kids." a snippy, "oh. you'll change your mind." all smug, like this stranger that i just met in the fucking magazine section of the pharmacy knows me so well that she literally knows the motherfucking future and the choices that i will make. and then i'm like, "uh no, i'm pretty sure." and they say, "you never know!" even more smugly. fuck you! sure, a lot of people change their minds. but a lot of people change their minds about a lot of goddamned things. so please, go fuck yourselves people who do this. and their whole basis for this argument is that you do not know the future. and you know what? i'll definitely give you that. no one really knows the future. if that's your hypothesis, then there's no guarantee that you won't have a sex change in 5 years. huh? what? oh, there's no way, huh? it'll never happen? well YOU NEVER KNOW! i apologize for angry tangent. but what i'm trying to say is that yes i kind of wasn't 100% honest, and i justify it by saying to myself that, well, you really never do know, do you. about anything. i feel like a real asshole for saying that. |