when will this incredible asshole just disappear from the earth? she just calls and picks fights when she's bored. she admits it. little A went to bed and she was calling after his bedtime again even though boy TOLD her to please stop calling after bedtime. so since the bedrooms are on the 3rd story, boy brought the phone downstairs with him so little A wouldn't be woken up by it ringing. psycho seriously calls like 4 times in a row, and i'm like, please answer the phone and tell her he's in bed. she's going to keep doing it. she's going to get mad.

so of course he ignores the phone as i'm saying this and says, i'll answer it if she calls back. i gave him an angry glare. well of course there was like a 2-3 minute lull then she starts calling his cell phone, and he answers, and she's just totally freaking out about how boy is keeping him away from her (... er, no?), how she hates that she doesn't get to be the mother but [tinea] does, she never gets to do anything with little A (what is she even talking about now?), and since little A shot himself with a bb gun this weekend, he's clearly an idiot so boy shouldn't let him on the back of his motorcycle because he'll let go and fall off and die (that one was a quote).

while i actually completely agree with her on that last point, she's talking over boy, telling him he's a piece of crap, absolutely shrieking into the receiver. and i'm like dude. it's all in the approach, you know?

because like i said, i completely agree with her. this weekend, and pretty much over the course of the whole year that he's been here, we've concluded that this kid is just really stupid. and that's okay. we all know stupid people. he's that guy. asking completely obvious questions. having generally no idea what's going on. where he is. what he's in the middle of doing. what time it is. he could just as well be on mars, seriously. he wouldn't know the difference. on saturday he shot himself at point blank range, in the finger, with a metal bb. he says, "i didn't know my finger was in front of [the gun]." it was a rifle style gun. he had to have been holding it purposely up to that finger, plugging the hole, to have shot himself where he did. that's the only way this could have happened. and if that is what happened, he did it on purpose, because there's no way you could not notice your finger being in front of the muzzle of a two-handed weapon seeing as you need it to hold the weapon.

he says he didn't do it on purpose, then he says he "forgot" his finger was there. or, as everyone suspects, he's just a dumbass and wanted to see what it would be like to get shot with a bb. now, lesson learned. that's what i said to boy when he told me. some people are smart and will take your word for it when you tell them that it really hurts to get shot with a bb gun. some people are not, and shoot themselves and pretend they didn't. whatever.

then yesterday, i'm like, boy. tell little A to learn to scrape his plate or he will be the one sticking his hand into a wet, mushy pile of old food in the bottom of the sink. that shit's disgusting. so he tells him, he says he's sorry. later, we finish dinner. little A gets up and walks over to the kitchen, starts scraping his plate INTO the sink. we were just like ... really dude?? can you PLEASE pay attention to your life???

and then the questions, the repeated questions. he just says the same things over and over and over and over and over again. has no recollection that we JUST discussed this like, yesterday. he'll ask if we've had a certain food, or have we been to a certain place (he'll ask if HE has done things that he just did a week ago), at least 10 times. we're like, dude!! just ... THINK for a second before you do or say things. PLEASE. it's mentally exhausting. i've said at least 20 times that boy needs to take him to the doctor. the kid needs medication. and no, i'm not all about medication, nor do i think it's the final solution to every problem. but having worked for years in a setting with MANY kids with one or both absentee parents, i think that in this situation it is appropriate. kids who are going to succeed with severe ADHD need a lot of support, routine, they need systems, but most of all, they need a foundation, and that is what psycho never gave him. he doesn't know the basics to even stay alive. he doesn't have BASIC problem solving skills. last night we were having chili for dinner, and he wants seconds, so we said go ahead and get it. he asks, "how?" i then actually had to walk him through the process of walking upstairs, holding his bowl near the pot with one hand so he didn't spill any, then using his other hand to ladle the chili into the bowl. ......? how could you not know how to do this? what would you think you had to do!? i mean, really. sometimes he asks such stupid questions that i respond, "if we weren't here, what would you do?" because we can't figure out a better way to teach him common sense.

so anyway. because she is a useless human being who wants to be his friend first and mother second, and he spends at least half of his time with her, i push for medication so at the very least he can finally focus, learn, and remember the systems for everyday life. i keep telling boy, once he has the groundwork, like once he is able to tell time, wash himself, feed himself, you know, stuff you learn to do when you're like 5 or 6, he'll have a lot easier time, and so will we. psycho won't parent him because they're friends, so we can't rely on her to actually back us up and continue any behavioral therapy that might begin. medication will be the only way.

this circular argument keeps coming up now as the school year comes to an end, because what will little A do over the summer? psycho wants him to spend the ENTIRE summer with her. yeah, i heard you shaking your head. i was too. that's a fucking terrible idea. i said to boy when he told me, "this kid is barely clinging on to civilized life as it is, and you're really going to let him spend the whole summer there, erasing everything that he has learned?" let's just roll him up into a ball and put him back into the womb, because he's 10 years old going on 6 now, when he comes back i'm sure he'll be back on a bottle and unable to walk. there is no way that this is a remotely good idea.

but here's the rub. if he's not spending the entire summer over there, he's spending it here, with me, up my ass. if it wasn't for my brother living with us last summer, i would have probably just hung myself in the closet after a few weeks with this kid. since january, i kept saying, "boy, let's start thinking about what little A will do over the summer." then in february. then in april, i was like, hey. it's april. we REALLY need to figure this out. then again in may, when we received 2 brochures for summer camps in the area. "hey, we need to talk about this." and it was never addressed, just, oh, yeah, i'll think about it. so here we are now, school is over in one week and a half, and i am faced with deciding to do the right thing for this kid, or doing the thing that will best preserve my sanity. i just can't sit around with him home all day, every day, like last summer. yeah - that's right. i know i don't enjoy being bothered all day. i know i get annoyed extremely easily. i can't stand being interrupted, which he does constantly, despite being repeatedly told not to interrupt people. he is a SUPER annoying child. and i know this is through no fault of his own, which is why i am never mean to him, but i do take care to remove myself from the situation when i feel myself getting short with him. that won't be able to happen in the summer, when 10 hours of the day will be just the two of us, alone.

so, the only thing we were able to come up with (but boy obviously wasn't able to run this by psycho, and probably won't be able to for several days now that she's all wound up) was that little A can either do half the week there, half the week here, or alternating weeks. but neither of us feels that it's healthy or a good idea for him to spend the entire summer over there. they're all bad people. i'm sorry to say it. a week or so ago little A was telling us how his uncle (his mom does too, and so do both of her parents btw) steals stuff in stores, a LOT of stuff, all the time. and he (the uncle) does it and then gets home and shows the kids all the stuff he got, and of course they think it's cool because they're like 6-12 years old, and it's free stuff! little A says, yeah, i always tell him he shouldn't do it but he says it's okay because he doesn't get caught. and we're like dude!! i hope you know that it's NEVER okay to steal stuff!!

so this poor kid has in one ear, "dude it's okay to steal stuff as long as you don't get caught. your entire family does it, so it must be okay. and don't you love all the free stuff you get?" and then in the other ear, "never steal anything! it's not yours! your uncle is not teaching you the right things to do! YOU know right from wrong!" he's not internally motivated, he's never been taught responsibility for one's actions, or cause and effect (he still doesn't realize that things that happen are a result of other things that happen). well, he's been taught but he has not learned. i feel like it's so late in the game for us now. when these moral dilemmas come up, to him, it doesn't even register that stealing shit - aside from being illegal - makes you a bad person. it's just a matter of whether you get in trouble or not. okay, didn't this time? cool. keep doing it then, and don't even consider that the next time you might. it's so aggravating.

yeah, these are the things you need to worry about when you're a parent. you don't even need to actually be a parent, you just can have a kid close to you in your life, and now you're responsible for the kind of human you put out into society. people don't THINK of having kids like this. they think, oh, i want someone to love me forever and be there for me when i'm older! i want to vicariously live out my unfulfilled dreams through this kid! i want this kid to save my failing marriage! i want to have kodak moments and someone to call me mommy and to see what kind of person my husband and i can make because we just WUV EACH OTHER SO MUCH!!$%$% <333!! JAYDEN'S MOMMY!!HERP DERP!

i think this is why i realized and decided so early and so firmly that having kids is just not for me. there's all of the stuff that i simply have absolutely no interest in doing. but then there's also that huge, overwhelming responsibility to the rest of the world that people forget about. that's the thing that drives me nuts about psycho. i believe that as a member of society, as a human, when you choose to reproduce you are signing a contract that says, "i am going to try to put the best person into this world that i can." if you're not willing to do that 100% of the time, and everything that goes with it, then i just don't think you should have a kid. sure, psycho doesn't KNOW all of the things that she should, but when she does know she doesn't act in his best interests or do what's right.

one person can change the course of humanity. so i get really worked up when i see people raising their kids to be little sociopaths just because it suits their lives better. ugh, i'm busy, let the tv raise the kid. ugh, it's too hard to discipline my kid and i want him to like me so i'll assume that he'll do the right thing just because i tell him to. it's so frustrating. you only get one chance at shaping a human life. put a little time and care into it. i know that i don't want my life consumed by that responsibility (again, i mean, because it presently already is), because if i had this job to do it would end up really half-assed, because i JUST don't want to do it. i think it's more responsible of me - to myself, theoretical child, and the world - to spare everyone the effects of another human being on this earth who wasn't desperately wanted by his or her parents.

maybe that seems pretty harsh to say, but as far as i'm concerned, there are far too many children out there already who need homes and loving, ATTENTIVE parents for me to ever have my own kid, especially considering my blase (at best) attitude toward it in the first place.

so anyway. i can't believe i went on for so long about that, but obviously i have some strong feelings about it. i just don't think people put even a fraction of the amount of thought into what it means to be a parent as they really should. and when they don't, you get fucking crazy people like me. team misery.

moving on. boy and i went to the park today before lunch to take a walk and concluded that we are going to a) take a walk every day together as long as he is laid off b) scope out a nice, private spot for a sex picnic (i love sex outdoors!!), and c) we will collaborate on some new supply items for my etsy shop when it's rainy later in the week. THAT is the thing i am most excited about, because i think that we both individually have great taste, and when it comes to things we've worked together on we've always had a great outcome. we balance and edit each other well. i think we'll come out with some neat ideas as well as have some cute personal stories to tell. people do like to know that you're a human.

----

i was interrupted and wasn't able to return to writing this, and like several days went by but i didn't want to delete what i had started, because it's important. now, it's 6/7/2013 at 2 in the afternoon.

boy and i were having an awesome few days, but then he started getting all amped up about not having any money, and then it all turned into a big fight. thursday, especially, because he asked me wednesday night if he could have money for cigarettes and i said no (i've told him now and in the past that i do not support his smoking habit, and will not tolerate it for much longer). i didn't have it to give to him because i thought i was going out with best friend today (she cancelled on me today, just now, but obviously i didn't know this then). he says nothing wednesday night until he wakes me up thursday morning to ask again, and i said no. if i give you the money for that - which i will not on principle - i will not have money to go out with best friend on friday. he starts totally freaking out, being rude as fuck all morning. we never should have bought dinner last night!! you should have told me that you didn't have enough money (uh, i did.)!! and on and on. i was like whatever man. i'm not even about this fucking bullshit right now. i don't care what kind of mood you're in. get your fucking attitude in check.

we had little A's IEP meeting yesterday as well, so he didn't even speak to me at all after that until it was about 10am and he was nearly walking out the door. he's like, yeah, i have to go to that meeting (after telling me yesterday that i HAD to come, conveniently forgotten), despite seeing that i am fully dressed and ready to go as well. i was like, i see how you're going to be today. you can't get cigarettes so you'll motherfuck everyone you care about because smoking is more important than anything. that's cool.

i just told him to grow up. i'm so sick of his 14 year old attitude sometimes. i am always measured and deliberate in the way i speak to everyone, especially when he's being like that, because he will have no ammunition against me when the finger pointing starts. "well, YOU said this!" "well, YOU said that first!" nuh uh. i don't put myself in that trap to begin with. but boy doesn't get what he wants so he throws a tantrum. come on already. i said maybe you should have thought about how many cigarettes you had before we bought dinner last night (the reason we bought it was because he didn't feel like helping me make what we had taken out to cook earlier)! that's nobody's fault but your own! and he's like, well yeah! i'm just pissed off, and it sucks that we're poor right now! and as usual, i said, no matter what is going on, none of that gives you the right to talk to anyone like shit! why can't you handle that one yet?

eventually, he felt sufficiently like an asshole so we came home and made lunch so we could go take our walk. we decided we were going to take walks daily as long as he's laid off, because he's getting fat rapidly. i don't really care, as long as he doesn't get out of control, but i know it bothers him a lot. and let's face it, i say i need to start working out all the time and i never do because it's a pain in the ass. so this way we get to hang out and go to parks which we love to do together anyway.

we were on the way there, and i wasn't saying much, and he's like, "oh so now you're going to be in a shitty mood?" and i said, actually, yeah. you don't get to wake people up, be a douchebag all morning, and hurt everyone's feelings and then just expect them to forget about it when you decide you're over it. doesn't work like that. and he's all exasperated, like, "ugh fine! it's all my fault!" and i'm like, yeah, it is. no one made you act like that but you. this is called being a grownup and taking responsibility for your actions and how they affect other people.

anyway. so our walk was awesome and we saw the cabin areas along the lake, which we were pretty excited about, because they're super cheap to rent but in a beautiful location and fully equipped! like electricity, range, fireplace, fire pit outdoors, porch, bunks, everything. that's my kind of camping. i'm not sleeping on the ground or getting dirty, but i'll play around in the woods for a weekend. i love to hike and take pictures and listen to birds sing. so we're all kind of getting something out of it.

we made the massive dinner we put off the other night last night and it was SOOOOOO gooooooood. it was a ton of work and like 2 hours of cooking, but it was so worth it.

and now, here we are today. we're both in a better mood today and since best friend cancelled on me, we're going to just hang out together, as usual. little A is out of school next thursday, and between the first and second parts of this entry, it was decided that he's going to spend a week on, a week off at his mother's house this summer.

oh, and also, she has cancer. she just found out. all i could say when i heard was that all of that hate, all of those lies, and all of those terrible deeds would catch up with her eventually. i think you hold that stuff in your body. everything you do, everything you think, in your life, makes its mark on you in one way or another. i believe in the power of positive thinking, but i also believe in the power of negative thinking. thoughts can heal you just as much as they can really hurt you. call me what you want. but as far as i'm concerned, i never feel as good physically when i'm depressed as i do when i'm not. anecdata, of course. but i know i'm not the only one.

i'm done, finally, but only because i don't have the time right now.

2013-07-20: care for me.
2013-07-09: goodnight, world.
2013-06-28: love in the summer.
2013-06-26: i will not take these things for granted. i won't.
2013-06-17: oh, hello.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.