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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
goodnight, world.
2013-07-09 @ 10:03 a.m.
hay. sooooo what's been up. i maybe neglected to mention last time i wrote that best friend is again living with her kid's dad, as well as hanging out with him doing very relationshippy things. of course the lines become blurred when a kid is involved, but it is what it is. she insisted, "he's not that guy anymore, i can tell." but you didn't think he was that guy when you had to lock yourself and your child in your bedroom as he tried to break down the door, screaming that he was going to kill both of you, then himself, did you? when you came home to find him and a strange woman in your bed? i remember how shocked she was when that happened. am i the only one with an elephant's memory? so, i just say nothing, and fade out. that had nothing to do with anything except that i forgot to mention it. i started writing a little thing the other day that i deleted because i didn't have enough time to flesh it out, and unfortunately now i forget the bulk of what i was going to say. it was generally about how i am not very inventive, which is difficult for me as a sometimes writer. you see, i found out about self-publishing both for personal pleasure as well as passive income, and i was like, wow. i love to write, i have a ton of old short stories and erotica that have done nothing but collect dust (some so old that they're actually handwritten in notebooks! before computers were even widely accessible), so perhaps i should publish them. so of course then i'm thinking about new ideas, because erotica is a huge sell right now. but i'm like ... what do i write about? i have a lot of sex and can definitely write that, but original, plausible scenarios that can then be organized into a cohesive beginning, middle, and end, and sold for actual money? vignettes do not a short story make. if i was clever, maybe. but i don't think i am, enough. and then just straight fiction? whew. you need to get REALLY clever to make a dent there. for now, i plan to just type/edit/format what i already have and post it up, and see how it goes. even if i only sell like 10 per month, it's an extra $20 i didn't have before. and maybe someone will enjoy it. you know? speaking of sex. things were going awesome there, then we got in some kind of fight a week or so ago and i just fell out of the mood. if i'm having sex with someone i don't like, i'd better be getting something for it. and in this case, the answer was nothing except for a face full of shit, so i didn't even want it. he just gets in these fucking moods, i've written about it a million times. he'll start thinking of work or some shit that is stressful, then it becomes my fault because i'm the only one around. then he acts like everything i say, everything i do, is the most annoying, intolerable thing he's had to endure yet. i've finally learned to not even engage him when he's like this. i just say nothing, answer questions if he asks them. after nearly 4-5 days of this, he's like, "what's your problem? why won't you talk to me?" and i was like, whatever man. i decided that if you're going to be nasty, i'm just not going to subject myself to you, because i'm really not in the mood to get my feelings hurt. so of course he's like blah blah, you know i don't mean it, and i'm like, wow, heard this fucking story a million times. maybe you should try to do something different about managing your attitude because your current regimen blows. finally, i was like dude really? if you don't want to hang out with me, or whatever, just let me know. there are plenty of things i can do to entertain myself. but i really have nothing to say to you if you're going to be snippy, rude, and sarcastic. he says, "when you don't talk to me, it makes me really sad." and i said, good. i'm glad i could make you feel exactly like i do when you start acting like that. during the beginning of the brief drought, he was getting frustrated because there were 2 or 3 days that he clearly really wanted to have sex, but i was not interested at all. he said something to me in the car one day and i just raised my eyebrow and looked away again. don't try to be cute and proposition me when you were just being a dick. so during a surprising evening of playfulness, he said, "so ... you're not one of those girls who'll freak out if i feel you up during the night, are you?" and i said, absolutely not. in fact, i encourage it since sometimes one or both of us is not in the mood at the same time. do whatever you want with my body. he did take advantage of this several nights, which was kind of fun, and nice, because i got the sex i wanted without having to deal with all of the other stuff. like don't get me wrong. sex is and was the fucking best. but when he's being a bitch, i'm not into it. i don't feel like giving him a 45 fucking minute blowjob. he doesn't deserve it. no, i'm not going to look sexy because i'm pissed off. just fucking give me your cock and shut your mouth. it worked out great until he got called back to work and stopped being a dick. today after he got home from work, we had to go out to get a couple of things, and dinner. we're pulling out of the driveway and he says, "close your eyes, please. just do it." and i'm like, ...? and he says, just. so i do, and we're out and about and he says listen, i just want to tell you because i'm afraid i'll forget to tell you to close your eyes on the way home. please don't freak out. but there's a dead kitten in the street near the neighbor's house. and i was like ... really sad face. but i thought, sometimes i get really frustrated with him for being so emotionally dumb and insensitive, but then there are these times when he knows me so well, knew even how upset i would be just to hear about it, let alone to see it. it's weird, sometimes, for a person to know you so well. it has its hazards for both people. one of them: high expectations. you know how what i like and don't like so well you'd think you'd know when you're pissing me off. ok, well. it's super late and i can't remember where else i was going with this. perhaps tomorrow. |