| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
care for me.
2013-07-20 @ 9:50 a.m.
sometime around beginning to mid-week this week, i was nearly done. i wrote all that stuff about the fucking attitude last time, but it continued on, and along with a bunch of silence and hurt feelings became the nexus of my impending explosion. it was about 10 days ago that i wrote last time, and i figured that by now, boy would have gotten the point to chill the fuck out with the snide- and rude-ness. we had that fight, i thought things were going better, but he went back to work and was all tired and grumpy and the next thing you know, it was all my fault, as usual. i didn't often write about the little things, i just noticed them: constantly asking me to run around and fetch shit he could get on his own, increased criticism, decreased to, at times, a complete lack of gratitude for things i'm doing FOR him (like no acknowledgement at all sometimes!), and an overall prevailing sense of "yeah, you'd better go do that." there were a lot of things that i didn't mention at the time, just like little things that a person does that kind of rub you the wrong way at first but you're kind of waiting to see how it develops. like when you're watching a crime movie or something, and you see all of these little things, and you're just wondering if they're inconsequential annoyances or pieces to a larger puzzle. well, for us, these pieces did fit into the larger puzzle of "this guy is being an inconsiderate dick." just to remind you, my first "real," very serious longterm relationship was with a guy who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, my second relationship was with boy, who cheated on me with this girl he knew i hated (and who knew i was dating him) despite confusingly(!!!) continuing to profess his undying love for me, then the last guy ... well, you know that story. my point is this. i am well-versed in assholes. and then i get to hear all about best friend's insane experiences to boot. like, i'm a grown fucking woman now. i KNOW how i am supposed to be treated, and i am not going to be treated any other way. period! like i'm not even going to lie. i love boy more than like ... everything. my love for him is beyond explanation, it's just something that exists outside of us with a life of its own. neither of us can truly be happy without the other. but it doesn't matter WHO or WHAT the situation is, i am not going to be treated like shit. and if that means we can't be together, then that's what it has to mean. so i was prepared to have a talk with him to tell him that i felt completely taken for granted. on tuesday or something, he was just being miserable, and i went to sleep so offended. but that night i had a dream (or maybe it was real? i still don't know) that he leaned over me all gently like he does when he's going to sex me up in my sleep, and whispered "i love you, [tinea]" in my ear. i woke up a lot less mad at him, and everything seemed alright. we even had the added bonus of psycho deciding to pick little A up for the rest of the week, and then til next weekend. but he was just in the mood to fight again, and the night was totally ruined. thursday i didn't have a lot to say, and we had to go out and do a few things after he got home from work, and he's all like, what's your problem? and i just said, you know, i've just been spending some time thinking about my life, thinking about how much i hope you can really make an effort and try to be nicer to me. because i really can't keep having this same conversation. and he gets all mad and defensive, like i told you i'm going to!! blah blah but i was just like, just show me. please. just DO it. later that night i offered to rub his back because we were just awkwardly and tensely sitting there together in bed, and he said "thank you," and i said, "thank you. that's all you need to say." so he's like, all snide, "oh, so you're telling me i don't say thank you enough?" and i said, no, let's just talk about this tomorrow. and he's like, naw, i want to talk about it now. so i'm like, okay, then that is exactly what i'm saying. in fact, i think you really take me for granted lately. so he starts totally freaking out, that he's SO nice to me all the time and what am i talking about? and why am i doing this at this hour? and i'm like what the fuck man! YOU kept wanting to talk about it! so i was like, okay. i do literally fucking everything for you, wait on you hand and foot half the time, take care of your fucking terrible kid (obviously i omitted the fucking terrible part), and do anything else you ask. what the fuck else do i need to do to get spoken to politely on a consistent manner. please tell me. and like, maybe, JUST MAYBE, once in a while you could go out of your way for me and rub my back, or remember to say fucking thank you for something. he's just yelling, okay, so i don't rub your fucking back enough? i got to WORK every day, to a job i hate! and i was like, alright, there is nothing even going to come out of this. i just said whatever man, let me know what it is i need to do to measure up to whatever it is you need me to be. i stormed out and thought about killing him (jk (?)). the next morning, i wasn't sad, i was really fucking angry. my brother called and i was telling him about all this stuff, and i was like help me. you're a guy. what the fuck. so he says that he's known boy for a long time and he's noticed that he's very impulsive, like off the cuff. he's said that the two of them have been talking about relationship stuff before, and sometimes boy will be like ahh i'm so mad at [tinea] for this thing, and my brother will say, well can you see why it might sound ridiculous? or why she might feel that way? he said he's not that perceptive of other people. so i said then i think that i'm going to write him a letter, so he can't interrupt me and start getting all mad, he can just read it completely neutrally and from my point of view. so i did just that. boy came home, and asked if i wanted to talk, and i said, you don't really let me talk, so i wrote you a note. you can read it while you're in the bathroom. it took me all day, but i wrote this really great note saying that yeah i know you work harder than i do, but that doesn't give you the right to completely disregard me. there are our responsibilities as a couple - the division of labor - and then there is our romantic relationship, separately, and i think that as your girlfriend, i deserve my back rubbed every now and then, or my fucking drink made for me. and i definitely deserve to be spoken to respectfully at all times. it's the fucking least you can do for the woman who does absolutely everything for you, always offering to do more, raising another woman's rude ass child, thanklessly. of course my note was completely neutral in tone, but i did cite many examples of just incredibly insensitive, thoughtless things he's done recently, and said hello. you're hurting my feelings. don't you care!? in fact, my last sentence was, "i just want to feel as cared about by you as i try to care for you." so he came out of the shower and said we'd talk when we got to dinner, and i said okay. we got in the car and drove, awkwardly talking but not, and i asked where we were even going because i didn't remember us discussing it and he said i could choose. so i'm thinking oh, okay. here we go. take me out to dinner and hope i'll forget about it. so i told him it didn't matter, and he said that certain places would be closer to this one place we had to stop on the way, and i'm like meh. i guess let's decide after we stop wherever this is. we drive up the major highway to a county highway and up, and i'm thinking where the fuck are we going around here? and then i see where he's pulling into. he's making a left into the long closed diner that we both know, and he stops in front of the window and says, i know you remember this place. this is where we came, that booth right there is where we sat. this is the first place we ever kissed, out here in this parking lot, and it started to snow. i don't remember anything but i remember that, and how could i ever forget about you. he said he was so sorry for being so stupid and getting so swept up in work and life and everything. but i'm just always there, and he's so comfortable - probably too comfortable - and he just didn't realize how he was acting and what he was doing. he said he never wanted me to ever feel uncared for, because i am the best woman he's ever met, and no one has ever done so much for him in his life, and that he loved me more than anyone he had ever known, and he loved me for loving him so much. he said he's loved me for 14 years, that i'm perfect and he wants to have a million babies with me if i want to (i love that he added that part), and then he wants to get old and die together. i'm like crying my fucking eyes out, and he's hugging me and i'm thinking, thank you for being so amazing. seriously. he said he was so sorry that he could ever make me feel like he didn't care about me, and that he would tell me every day how much i mean to him. i just cried and said thank you, thank you. that's all i want from you. all i need, to know i matter, that i'm not wasting my time with all of this. whew. it's been trying, these past few weeks, this relationship. but i am okay with working with my soul mate on this earth. if we are going to be able to communicate and grow and love each other more, it's all worth it. my brother was saying that sometimes he wishes he was still single, because this relationship shit is so annoying to him. and i almost agreed, but i was like nah. it's just him. it's boy. it's us together. it must be so. oh, my heart. |