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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
reconciliation?
2013-12-12 @ 9:22 a.m.
ugh!! this time, i accidentally closed my browser. it was all my fault. so, yesterday boy finally came inside after sitting in his car on the phone for some time. i followed him upstairs to have grownup talk before dinner, as we always do, and the conversation continued at length. i was reading the news on my phone, waiting for him to finish, but i couldn't help but overhear a little snatch of conversation here and there ... and he was talking to his mom. that was very surprising. very surprising. they haven't spoken in three years because she did some really scumbaggy things and really fucked a lot of people's shit up. boy didn't even write her off initially. it was her complete lack of ownership of her actions, and then leaving HIM and a lot of other people on the hook for things that were no business being theirs, and then not even ever offering any explanation, any apology, nothing. after it was over and he gave me a little tiny snippet of what they discussed, i didn't want to nose and ask him if she ever said she was sorry. i didn't ask anything, because i had a lot of questions but i could tell that it was very emotionally draining for him. he was happy, but i could tell a little bit ... shaken, i guess, for lack of a better word. cautious relief. i'm happy about this, and i'm happy for him, albeit a touch nervous. of course, i have the selfish, excited thought that he really is thinking about marriage in concrete terms now. (perhaps this was prompted because he was sad that there would be hardly any family on his side?) but that's a legitimate concern on anyone's part when you have a family split apart. really, i think it was more along the lines of "i miss having a mom" for any important times. and also the fact that he's not a very social person. he has a very small circle. i'm sure that his world was starting to feel really closed in. he gets so absorbed in work, so mired down in the bad things that that's all there is some days. and then who else but me is there to talk to? my brother, but he doesn't want to talk about me to my own brother, which is understandable. who else? he can't talk about real world things with his friends from high school. they're not really about that kind of chatting. and his best friend for years has become that guy who only calls when he wants an investment into some bogus new pyramid scheme or for a ride somewhere. so, while i am very happy that the first step has been taken, i'm just a teensy bit nervous, because i'd hate for her to backslide and ruin this incredibly delicate thread of trust he has begun to extend. i think he's really amazing for being the bigger person here and reaching out to her. there are times when he's super immature, having these 14 year old temper tantrums, and then there are times like this when he steps up in such a grown-up, admirable way. this woman, his mother, is an adult. she did a lot of bad things and knows it. she greatly burdened him, and knows it. all he ever said to her was to not bother speaking to him until she was willing to say she was wrong. she didn't call him for 3 years. and still, he is willing to extend the olive branch and accept that she is an imperfect human, so ashamed of herself that she wouldn't even face her own child, and he still calls and says, "i still love you, mom." what an awesome guy i've got. seriously. soooo i have been a busy little bee lately. after finally catching up with house stuff after hell week ended, i started making christmas presents. boy is getting this beautiful piece of artwork that is turning out to be way more of a time investment than i anticipated. that's what i get for basing my estimate on how long i remember something taking (the last time i worked this particular medium was in high school). it doesn't matter though, i can already tell it's going to be awesome, even if it's not done until after christmas. i've had to scramble because i had been holding a little cash on the side to order him these two shirts he'd randomly mentioned wanting, but the next day! when i went to order them, they were sold out already. ugh threadless! so i don't know what i'm going to do, but i'd better figure it out quickly. he's been faking me out like crazy about my presents because he knows i hate to be spoiled. so he keeps saying like oh yeah when i ordered the blah blah for you, and then he's like oops! oh no, i spoiled it! and i say oh, it's okay, i'm still excited to get it. and then he's like lol jk! i didn't get you that at all!! and then a couple days later: ... OR DID I!? so of course i'm so excited. did i mention i talked to best friend the other day? she texted me asking if she could come over and pick up some of the displays we used at a fair last year, and also if i was alive and ok and everything. i texted her back that i was just fucking miserable and had nothing but bad things to say all the time, so i just needed some me time. she told me to call when i could, so i did, and we talked real quick about a couple of things and she said she's just going to come over on friday because she took off of work anyway. she sounds pretty good, and had mentioned that she was on new medications lately so she feels great. i'm happy to hear that, too, because hopefully she's done doing many of the destructive things she was doing before. like, i'm so stressed out on my own. don't give me more. as long as you don't, everything will be great. okay. gotta go to the grocery store, then create. i'm looking forward to a nice, big salad for lunch, then hopefully boy will be home at a reasonable hour tonight! he's at this job where they just randomly decide when you're done, i guess, because it's been anywhere from 2:30 to 5 this week. boo. but it gives me more time to be secretive :) |