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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
couple stuff.
2014-02-03 @ 8:52 a.m.
i know it's been forever. the last time i started writing was january 20th, on which i began my entry, "i can't believe it's been 20 days!" and also had written a very tl;dr version of what had been going on, but of course my computer unplugged itself and all of that was gone. it was one of those situations which has evolved and changed and had so much backstory added to it that by now the whole thing is different and i'm glad i didn't waste all that time explaining it. i'll recap next time i write, because by then i think everything will be known and everything that is in the process of happening will be done. (nothing serious, just some stuff about my brother and his girlfriend and whatnot.) so what i'm really writing about right now is the other day, boy is upstairs yelling on his cell phone. he's a phone yeller. what can i say? i tell him all the time he's doing it but he can't stop. i guess because he's usually on the phone in the car with the window open, so it's hard to hear and be heard? but anyway. he's upstairs yelling on the phone to his half brother about life and all that stuff, and i suppose the question was asked of him, "so what have you been up to," because i hear, oh you know, same old shit, just working and taking care of my son and my girlfriend. and then something else is asked, to which he replies, yeah! we're still together, and then something else is asked, to which he replies, not yet, but it's in the works. and then the ensuing statements are regarding his brother's engagement. i was like whaaat! awesomeeeee!! but of course i couldn't say anything. and i know, fuck for spoiling my own surprise but i still don't know what he plans to do or when or what the "big" surprise part of it is anyway, so there's still a lot of excitement and anticipation to be had. yes, i am a girl and am excited about the sparkly part of it, but what i really want is for it to feel like a THING. like, we are a thing, and have been for so long. us together just goes without saying to anyone who knows us, but whenever we're out somewhere we just look like two totally random people together. we totally got racially profiled a couple of weekends ago when we were driving around because we look so weird together. the first thing the cop said when he pulled us over was, "how do you two know each other?" i'm like .... "we went to high school together?" like it was such a weird fucking question, like doesn't this guy KNOW that this is my life partner? in fact, much later after it happened and i got over how fucking racist the entire situation was, i thought to myself, i'm so glad i didn't sarcastically reply, "uh, he's my life partner," like i normally do or he probably would have thought i had some kind of attitude. i'm rambling on, but you know what i mean. i just want to finally be able to not have to say a word, for other people to just know, or at least make their own assumptions. i want to feel it there, on my finger, and always remember what it means. i am a person for whom symbols mean a lot. best friend always remarks that i'm such a sentimental person. i can't help it. i spend a lot of time inside myself, with my thoughts and memories. but that thought, the memory of the moment when he slips it on my finger, when we create this moment that we thought was going to be instead one day a long time ago ... warm, absolutely sublime thoughts like that sustain me. everything we've been through together, how much we've grown and changed with each other, how we're still the same us that we've always been, but no time would have been right except for right now. i love him so much. i never thought i would ever say that i was excited to be anyone's wife, to have anyone else's last name. but here i am, saying it. i don't even care when it happens, or really if it ever even happens at all. it's the intent, the meaning. just the fact that he would think about it and want to do it, on his own, without prompting. this is not something we ever talk about, or have talked about. it's never been a, "ugh, so are we going to be dating forever?" thing.* it's been simply us, together. so, again. i'm just so happy that WE are so happy and in love still, just as much as yesterday. there is no fear or worry. that's what most of what i was saying about the situation with my brother was all about. when you make the commitment to marry someone, whether you're getting married now or in 10 years, you've made that commitment in trust. you can't simply decide to bail out when the going gets rough (and it can get REALLY fucking rough sometimes). so. what was supposed to be a short update on omg ring ended up being a brief essay on love and commitment, but i'm okay with that since that's what i'm all about these days. i'm trying to plan valentine's day but boy's being totally difficult, so i'm going to make him a little love coupon book (was going to make it for him for christmas, but his big present took up all of my time) and some pink chocolate chip cookies. maybe these red velvet truffle brownies i saw on ptrst (more for me than for him, but he'll feel super special ;)). i'm done writing this since i've been trying to finish the last couple paragraphs for over an hour but you know who keeps walking in and interrupting me. clearly i'm trying to type something and concentrate on it but that means nothing to a child. actually, it really means the complete opposite. i'll try to write again sooner next time! * (eta: as in, i'm not sitting around bugging him about when are we going to get engaged/married already. we know we're going to get married, we know we want to have an amazing wedding, but we don't feel impatient about it. it's all in good time, as is anything else worth having.) |