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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
articulating my experience.
2014-02-09 @ 6:54 p.m.
there are many days that i feel like i live inside of a little hole that is very, very deep. i live down here all by myself and i see everyone that i know from very far away, up and outside of my hole. and they're looking down at me, talking and waving, including me in their lives. and i can see and hear them all perfectly, but i never really feel a part of it all because i am inside of the hole and they're not. a few times, i've made it out of the hole and have been able to see what it's like up there, but no matter what i always end up back down here. i don't really like being down here because i feel pretty lonely most of the time, but it is also pretty comfortable and i have everything i need so i feel guilty complaining about it, because i know that most people don't have as much as i do. people i know don't understand why i can't come out of the hole more often, because it's actually very easy, they say, and they give me a lot of advice about how to get out. sometimes i try the things they suggest and sometimes i don't; sometimes i can't see the root, or the hand-hold that they're pointing to, and sometimes i just don't have enough energy to climb all the way up there. i will get halfway, or even just a quarter of the way and run out. so i say, it's okay, i'll do it next time, and then i never do. they get frustrated with me and i apologize for not understanding how or not being able, and it makes me frustrated with me too so i just stay inside of the hole. it feels like the hole gets slightly deeper with every passing day, that the people up at the top keep getting farther and farther away, but sometimes i think it's just my mind playing tricks on me. but i can never really be sure. boy comes down into the hole most often. he drops his kisses down in a bucket with a little light when he can't climb down. even though he comes the most often, he sometimes forgets that i'm down here and doesn't hear me calling. i wish that he would always remember, and it really hurts my feelings when he doesn't. boycat lived in the hole with me for 6 years. i buried him in the soft soil upon which i rest my heart every night. |