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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

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one hand on this wily comet.

2014-03-19 @ 5:36 p.m.

it's been over a month.

i've been down in this deep depression/anxiety spiral.

i don't really want to get into it again. yesterday i didn't want to get into it, and i was dragged into it all day. my mom wouldn't accept that i just ... don't want to talk about it with her, so despite my very polite request to please leave me alone, she started texting me all this shit, texted my brother about how worried and upset she was about me and how i've been lately, and then my brother calls me all worried about what's going on.

i told my brother that the reason i was willing to talk to him is because he doesn't feel the need to punctuate every story i tell with some "problem-solving, action-oriented" fucking response. i cannot talk to my mother. every conversation is a fucking performance evaluation to her. she likes to call you, bark out a list of commands, not allowing you a word in edgewise, and then expects CLEAR AND MEASURABLE RESULTS IN A SPECIFIC TIMEFRAME. WILL REPORT BACK LATER. like, don't fucking call me then, please. she's everyone's boss. she's the exec. VP of a major corporation. that's awesome for her. but she never turns it off, and i just genuinely can't do that right now.

i call and say (this is just generally how it goes), "yeah, little A is killing me because he does this and this." or "boy and i were fighting the past couple days, i was emotional and didn't want to talk." my mom's response? well, maybe if you did such and such, then little A wouldn't act like that. super snarky tone. or, oh, well boy probably resents you because you're fat/you don't make enough money/you're lazy/any number of personal or moral failings. and then i'm supposed to be inspired by this mean-spirited criticism and in a couple of days completely change my life and become the perfect little businesswoman she's always imagined me as. when that doesn't happen, the cycle begins again. i avoid, she badgers, i freak out.

i just want to leave the fucking earth.

so yesterday was spent with me not wanting any of this, my brother being concerned, us talking about this for 3 hours on the phone, then my mom texting me repeatedly, then boy coming home and us talking about it AGAIN and then the whole plans for the evening going out the window.

i'm so tired, tired, tired. every day i wake up with less and less energy. last night a light in the room kept me up for hours. and then when boy got up an hour after i finally fell asleep, he forgot to turn off the hallway light, and the tiny bit of brightness that seeped in through the air vent over the door was enough to illuminate the ceiling and keep me from falling back asleep. i tried to avoid getting up to turn it back off because i knew if i did, i wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, but after trying to fall asleep with it on for 15-20 minutes, i had to get out of bed and turn it off, and sure enough i couldn't fall asleep again until it was about 6:30-7:00. my alarm goes off at 7:31.

ugh, anyway. today i am exhausted and miserable and just ... whatever. i did a couple of things around the house, then took a really long shower and went to the grocery store. there is comfort in that routine.

in the middle of typing this, best friend called. i was actually really happy to hear from her because i haven't talked to her in forever, and i thought she was going to be mad at me. but see, that's the reason i answer the phone for her, or for my brother. it's just, hey man. sorry you've been so down. i'm always here. that's what i need.

and boy. even though some of my angst was because he and i were fighting last week, i love him so much as a partner. as a person, in general. we had a really shitty argument at night, he was being super mean because he was super tired and i was making him stay up to finish this (they say to never go to bed angry and i can't sleep when i try), but once we got it all out, i stretched out next to him and put my little hand in his and we said we loved each other. like, honestly, this is all i have ever wanted from an interpersonal relationship. i always feel so weird saying things like this but i feel like i never learned how to be a person because my childhood was so weird and terrible. like, why can't my mom understand any of this? that's all i have ever wanted from her. to feel like i could disagree with her and still be loved. why is this so difficult?

UGH. there's just so much that i'm on the cusp of writing about that i REALLY don't want to. it serves no purpose other than to make me upset. i'm ruminating. i need to stop.