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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
clementine and joel.
2016-07-17 @ 5:22 p.m.
every relationship has a really hard period, i think every couple has a test (or two, or three), and lately i've been thinking that maybe we were just having one. i know i didn't go into a whole lot of detail about what went down between boy and i and how we're now not living together, but honestly it's just really exhausting. everything happened in december/new year's time and i didn't even mention it here before it was almost april. last year at this time is when shit started getting incredibly fucked up, and i see that it's when i started becoming sparse around here. i'm really regretful that i didn't keep a log of what was happening because a lot of it was pretty significant and began the snowballing of events. but then the other part of me is just like "dude, let it go. everything is better now. focus on the goal." what i'm saying is, i think about trying to type it out a lot. like all the time. but the more time that passes, the more i wonder what there is to gain in the long run from hanging on to some really bad memories. revisiting some of this stuff will cause me nothing but pain. i don't think it's worth it just for the sake of history. so right now i'm making the decision that i'm just going to let it be that. so i just got home from boy's. he had to work today and won't be home until 8 or something so i figured why stay when i have stuff i have to do. i took the long way home, and it was just so nice. it's really hot out today but it was amazing in the car with the air on, just watching the sun and the clouds and the trees pass by my windows with pandora blasting. i was thinking earlier in the day about how depression has robbed so much of my life of like, excitement and joy. i don't often feel those things except for those rare and fleeting moments that i find myself driving in the middle of nowhere and the trees are knit together over the road and all you can see is green and sun and shadow. until i'm doing it, i always forget how much it renews me. i need to make it more of a priority. the two nights i spent with boy renewed me, too. that's where i was going with all of that not wanting to dredge up the past stuff. it would give a lot more context to me saying, "yes, i definitely want to do this," but the decision speaks for itself. he has wrapped his arms around me and told me that he was wrong, and that i am all he wants. that he loves me and misses me and wants me with him. that he now knows how much he really needs me. that he didn't tell me often enough how beautiful i am. this morning i was getting dressed to leave, and i thought, i've known boy for half of my life and i have been with him for half of that time. shit was really bad for a while, but even then i loved him. i love him today just as much as i did the first day we met (again). we were making plans via text the other day and i had done something without asking him on the assumption that he was going to want to do what he always does. when i told him what i had done, he said, "i'm so happy you're you and you know me. we make a great us." we both want to try again. we both want to try with each other. |