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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
my baby; i thought i knew you.
2017-08-14 @ 4:21 p.m.
they say always trust your gut, and mine was right. now i know. i had just had a weird ... feeling. super anxious. something just not right. but i couldn't put a finger on what it was. my mom called me late last week and told me that my cat (who has lived with her) was very sick, and they were frantically trying to figure out what was wrong. they were taking him to the specialist. he had developed a hard nodule under his chin, which was growing by the day. in two weeks it had grown from the size of a marble to a golf ball. i went to her house on saturday and saw him, and in that short span of just a few days, she said he had gone really downhill. he was so weak, so shaky, so thin. it was heartbreaking. she said he had been hiding in my closet for a couple weeks, but when he heard my voice he came out to see me. both she and my stepdad were amazed and said he was acting like a different cat. he was shaking his tail, he walked around a little, purred weakly. i spent the night to see if he would sleep with me, like he always used to. he slept alone all night, but early in the morning i felt something touch my leg - it was my boy, kneading me gently. he then went to sleep beside me. after i woke up, i stayed in bed for hours with him. my parents said that for the first time in weeks he seemed happy. as soon as i saw my boy on saturday night, i texted my brother and told him he needed to come see him. he and my SIL came sunday in the early afternoon, and my brother saw him and just cried. he just sat with him and rubbed him and told him he loved him for so long. everything was just so sad. while we were all there my mom received the call from the specialist who said that it was pointing at malignancy, but they couldn't be sure unless they did a biopsy. she said honestly, i don't think that he would survive the procedure. he's wasting away. and do it for what, just to prolong him for a few months? weeks, even? my boy absolutely hates the vet, the carrier, all of that. my mom said she wished they could give you something so you could do it in your home, and i said, they do have mobile vets. there is mobile pet hospice. so, we made the incredibly difficult decision of making the appointment for this wednesday. i'm going back up to her house tomorrow night to sleep with my baby one last time. i'm in tears at work writing this. i then went up to boy's house, as we had made plans friday to get together sunday night to watch the new got and have dinner. i started on route up there and was calling him just to make sure he was home and it was ok i was coming early. he didn't answer. i called him every ten minutes as i got closer and closer, and he didn't answer. i texted him, asking if he was okay. no response. i started panicking because there had been an accident on the tpk earlier and i was terrified something happened to him because he's the worst driver ever. i drove around a while to calm down, got something to eat, then parked at the park nearby. it was now like 3 hours later, about 8:30. i saw him drive by. i texted, "Hello?????" figuring he just left his phone at home by accident while he was taking kiddo back to his mom's. finally my phone rings and it's him, all nonchalant. he's just like oh, hey. i'm like are you alright!? what was going on?? why didn't you answer? and he was like oh, kiddo and i were just hanging out. ??? so you don't answer the phone for someone you knew you had plans with? i was like what is going on? what's the deal with you not wanting to talk to me or see me lately? (the past 3 weeks he's been "super busy," barely responding to my texts and not wanting me to come over for some reason even though previously, he always wanted me to come over and be there, even if he had to work.) he's like i don't know, i was just getting bored and wanted to space it out a bit. you're "just getting bored"??? i looked back to see if i wrote about this but i guess i started and never finished: we were looking for apartments together, since june. not even 4 weeks ago, we were driving somewhere and he told me that he couldn't imagine himself with anyone else. no one else understood him like i do, no one else was into the same things, no one else shared his sense of humor or accepted the weird things about him. not even 30 days ago we had this conversation, and excitedly started planning where we were going, and how our next step was to save for the house in the woods and the goats we've always talked about. and now, completely blase, he literally says, "i don't know, it's just been too much of the same person." i'm like, what do you think a relationship is?? are you being for real right now?? we are 2 months away from our 8 year anniversary. relationships aren't always butterflies and magic, you actually have to work at them. and he's just like yeah, idk. sorry. i have had grocery store employees more upset that they couldn't find me the product i was looking for than this person i have loved and trusted and supported and been there for for all of these years, telling me that he doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore. if you've been reading me a long time, you know how much i've done for him, how much i've sacrificed and changed and worked on myself. i've done everything he has ever wanted and he has never done anything for me in return, but i just sucked it up because i was under the impression that one day, there would be a payoff. one day, we would be married and pay down our debt and have the house and cars and life we wanted. but instead i get a completely blank, empty stare and an "idk, i'm just not feeling it." i was just completely shocked and stunned. i still am. i feel like i'm trapped in some ridiculous joke of a dream. this person was my best friend. that's the part that gets me. i can understand all of the rest of it, people fall out of love. people lose attraction. i get it. but to just try to ignore me, and then just completely blow me off like this?? what kind of person are you?? when we had that really ugly fight i wrote about last month, i thought the same thing. who is this person? what kind of person is he that he would do this and just not even care??? not even be a little bit sorry or contrite? not even reach out to hug me or comfort me as he just burns down my entire life? i had to just get up and leave. he said nothing. he just stood there across the room and watched me walk out the door. never even texted me to see if i was okay. i texted best friend and she started freaking out and told me to just come over, so i did. i got there and she fed me cake and we watched got until 1am. i can't even cry. i feel so empty and so cheated and betrayed and lied to. and most of all, after seeing how little he cares, how much of my time and my love i wasted on someone who just doesn't even give a shit about me. what a weekend. |