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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
do i wanna know?
2017-10-30 @ 9:49 p.m.
yeah, so i don't even want to get all into it, like i'm kind of relaxed and in a decent mood so i'm just going to try to summarize that boy had told me in the previous months that since we were going to move in together, i should just stop paying the bills at my house since i was moving out anyway. he was like, yeah, just stay with me. since i thought that's what i was going to do, i let some of them go. then he fucked my life, and i was sitting here with bills in months of arrears (technically i am responsible for them until the house sells, which could be a year or two from now, who the fuck knows). so my cable was shut off, then my electricity, and i had almost nothing in savings, because did i also mention that in the past few months, boy just decided that he couldn't pay for anything anymore? yeah, like i was the one who took off of work early, then spent my own money on gas and tolls to drive to him (85 miles each way), then spent more of my own money to drive everywhere when we went out because at the time it was summer and he had no air conditioning in his vehicle, then had to spend my own money buying myself food while i was up there (he never shopped so he had literally nothing at all to eat, not even cereal), and he was mr. $40 dinners every night. before like, two months before we broke up, he used to pay for everything because he knew i didn't make a lot and i'd go up there and do his dishes and laundry and cook in exchange for him buying dinner when we went out. i think that's pretty fair. now that i've been really thinking and analyzing his behavior in the months leading up to the breakup, i really think he must have been cheating on me and was spending all of his money out somewhere. he also had a serious spending problem, so it may not have been that he was cheating on me but just that he was in more debt than i realized. about a month after it happened, debt collectors started calling me looking for him. i was like wow, this fucking guy. and like, yeah, i just got all of the debt and bullshit out of my life and because of this fuck, it's coming back. ANYWAY, long story short (see, i tried to avoid getting sucked down that rabbit hole but there i went for a minute), my mom and i had a heart to heart and she really bailed me out. she asked me again if i wanted to try to stay in my house, and i said no. i just need a new start, elsewhere. i need to get back to where, and who, i was. my therapist and i talked a lot about how the 5 people you spend the most time with shape your personality the most. i said that boy really magnified my cynical, antisocial nature. i was always tense and angry. critical. she also said, misery loves company. do you think that he started to resent you for how happy you were with your job, and your friends, and yourself? i think absolutely. i think especially, he hated my relationship with boss. so, here's where things get dicey. there's kind of a lot of backstory here. i think boy hated my relationship with boss because boy had said to me before that he thought my job was beneath me. he thought boss was a "slimy, skeevy [racial slur]" and that it was in a shitty neighborhood and everything about it was gross. and of course, i don't get paid enough. a couple of times when i was talking about work and we were in a group of people, he reacted with visible disgust when i talked about it. like 2, maybe 3 weeks? before we broke up, he came in while i worked on a sunday in exchange for boss doing some pretty major work for him for free. he was SUPER rude to boss and his nephew. at the time, i thought it was because he had worked that day and was exhausted, but looking back on it and all of those other times, i kind of think it was an equal combination of both. i told boy that when we moved, it needed to be close enough to my job that i could still commute there. i knew that if i told boss he had to either pay me more or i had to leave, he would work something out to keep me. boy just ... i don't know. he never seemed happy or supportive. he repeatedly asked me when and if i was going to look for another job. again, at the time i just thought it was conversation. he never said it seriously enough that i thought it was an issue, but again. looking back on a lot of things, i know that was his way of saying it WAS an issue. (i'll never know, because he still hasn't spoken one word to me.) so, like, i kind of subconsciously knew that boy hated boss. on top of everything he hated about my job, he hated boss, like as a person, even though he had never met him for more than 60 total seconds. so when we were having those conversations about how i wanted to move so i could stay there, deep down inside i had made the decision that if i had to choose between my job and boy, i chose my job. and once again. i don't know any of this for sure. it's conjecture, since the fucking monster couldn't even be honest with me and just fucking tell me the truth. but my gut feelings about him have always been accurate, even when my brain fought fiercely to convince me otherwise. so the other part of this. i choose my job. great. i honestly don't know if what i'm going to say factored in to that decision. and this is so weird to write about. but in the interest of full disclosure, i should. boss is in love with me. remember when i wrote that entry about the electrician telling me that boss loves the ground i walk on? at the time, i was like aww how sweet. between now and then, like a lot of people have said to me some variation of, "he's in love with you." (to be clear, this is after boy and i broke up.) some of them have been random contractors that we work with, and some of them have been my normal coworkers - JC, TS, and even ER. once a couple of months ago, ER and i were eating lunch together and i told him the thing about how boss was going to modify the closet for me, and he's like "omg! he loves you." and i was like haha i know, and ER was like, "no, you don't know. i mean like he LOVES you, man." and again i was like lol yeah. looking back even further, remember when i mentioned that i think his wife is maybe a little suspicious of me? like maybe he talks about me too much? now, i'm like, hmmmm. a few days ago i was at the old place to pick up some stuff and JC, ER, and TS all surrounded me in the parking lot. there was this little thing over the summer about how they all thought boss was jealous of my relationship with ER, and they would always joke amongst themselves that i loved ER more. so now that i'm over at the new place with boss all the time, ER was like "he won! i knew he would try to keep you away from me. he's jealous. he's in love with you, for real." and i was like stop, and we were laughing, but ER is like, right?? to TS and JC and they're like, oh yeah dude. everyone knows it. it's kind of fucked up because he's a married man. but he's in love with you. they were dead ass serious, and i was kind of like ... oh. of course at that MOMENT boss calls me and is like where are you? are you almost done? are you coming back? and they're all like SEE!? SEE!? he can't even stand for you to be gone. so i left and went back to the new place and thought about it the rest of the day. and i remembered all of these little things - the things i've written about here, and soooo many more that just happen on a daily basis - and i'm just like, shit. deep down, i knew this. i didn't think he was in love with me, i just thought he was taking care of me because you know, i'm his most vital employee. but taking everything into context, i realize they're probably right. to be clear again - he's NEVER done anything untoward, inappropriate, too far over the line. he's been nothing but 100% supportive and gentlemanly. we're flirtatious but i jokingly flirt with everyone; i think it's kind of natural as the sole woman in a blue collar, stereotypically "manly" industry. but it does kind of feel weird knowing this. really, accepting this. now, i feel almost like i'm taking advantage of him when he does something for me. he's going all out on this apartment renovation for me. he buys me lunch every day. i was cold at the new place a couple of days ago, and before the words were even fully out of my mouth he was on the phone with his contractor to get out here and get the heat turned on because "my secretary is cold." now, it feels kind of weird knowing that my boss is in love with me, and i chose him over the guy with whom i'd spent almost 8 years of my life. i feel like almost like i'm using him for his generosity or something, but am i really? i've talked with both boy and boss about how relationships are transactional at their very core. both parties want something from the other. so what could he look to gain from this? he's not a guy who would ever cheat on his wife, and i'm not interested in being the other woman. so other than that, what does he want from me? my loyalty? that i won't leave him for another job? i'm okay with that. and what do i want from him? to always have a job and a place to live, and to not fear for either. he goes so above and beyond that. so i don't know how to feel about this. but for now, we're both happy. maybe i'm just not used to a person doing something for me with no strings attached. just because doing the thing and making me happy is what makes them happy. maybe i'm making a big deal out of this, or maybe i'm not making a big enough deal. i don't know. all i know is that i feel happier, and less afraid, than i have in a long time. i'm sorry if this is a mess but i took sleeping pills before i started this. hello darkness. |