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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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such love.

2017-09-09 @ 11:54 p.m.

there was a party today that i didn't want to go to, but i did anyway because i know it's good for me. i spent time with my cousin and her kiddo and then went to my parents' to spend the night because i planned to meet my brother for lunch tomorrow.

as soon as i got to their house, my brother insisted i come to his best friend's birthday party. everyone was there. best friend's gf really wanted me to come. it's only 7 mins away in town. just stop by.

even my mom seemed encouraging, so i went. i arrived and was immediately welcomed with open arms. there's food. there are cats. there's a teepee.

we went inside and there was a fire roaring in the middle. everyone laughing. chugging a bottle of whiskey and smoking from two giant mason jars of weed. homebrewed beer and chilled music. life advice from old heads. nothing but love from everyone. i pet a chicken. this was the first time some of us had seen each other for years, some were new faces. but from everyone, love.

when i go out alone driving sometimes i will smell a distant fire or see a get together and long for it, for the companionship, to have so many friends and to just sit around the fire. and as i sat there tonight i realized, i've had it all along. i even said to my brother, you know i missed out on so many things because boy never wanted to do anything, he hated people. these people wanted me, and i wanted to be with them, enjoying nights like these. but i always said no.

so now i'm exhausted and wasted on whiskey and excellent pot but for the first time in so long i felt so content. i sat there and was just content to be me. i'm so happy i went.

a couple weeks before boy disappeared from my life without a trace, i said to him, "i can't imagine my life without you." and when i said that, i really meant it. but now i know, it's hard to imagine a lot of things until you have to.