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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
you know?
2019-02-14 @ 8:22 p.m.
i haven't written a whole lot this week because nothing interesting or exciting was really happening. i woke up on time on saturday and went out and did my thing and it was fantastic. i found one area in particular that i just can't wait to see in spring, when everything is in bloom. the sun shining down through the trees when they're that super vibrant, early spring green. and the air starts to get that sweet smell of rain and flowers. ah i can't wait! i didn't do any work at all today - boss's dad and DR were in the office and telling stories and doing voices and we were talking about traveling and laughing our asses off. DR said, "i love my grandfather," and i said "i know, and i love him too." while i was driving around on saturday, listening to music, i was thinking about the meeting i want to have with boss, the things i value in life. i was thinking about how my mother always pressures me to get a "better" job, i could make so much money, i could get better benefits, etc. i'm not getting any younger. that's cool and everything, but i imagine myself going back to the corporate world, or going back to teaching, doing some 9-5, dealing with the politics, once again becoming a drone who dreads waking up each day and who counts each minute until it's over. i think about how i felt then, i remember my headspace. when i was driving, i also remembered how i felt with boy. i could feel my body reacting to the memories, my heart was racing, i was tensing up. i feel so entirely different now, like i shed a skin of horror and emerged light and smooth and free. all of this is to say that i don't want another job. this is my aspiration. another thing i was doing this week while i was not writing was building myself a shopping cart on my favorite craft supply site. i'm going to buy some stuff, i'm going to make some things. my passion is to create, it always has been. i love the feeling of having a concept and seeing it turn into something physical that people want to spend their hard-earned money on. i feel like i am bringing something beautiful into the world. i don't want another job because i love boss and his family and this community and everything about it. it also affords me the leisure time i require to pursue these hobbies. i can rebuild my business, i can make some money. boss has so many connections too. once i launch, he will tell his people and i will start with an audience. it's very exciting. and it all feels so good, so right. i can't go back to that life where i didn't feel that anything i did had any value, where i was just holding my breath, waiting until the bad part was over so i could finally enjoy myself. my whole life up until probably this past summer has been the bad part. after 35 years, i finally, finally know what it is to feel calm and happy and content. to follow these dreams i've been waiting and waiting to be able to pursue. i have spent so much time chasing this, and now that i have it in my grasp i can't possibly imagine leaving it all behind for some extra money from some bullshit corporation. yay money, yay benefits. but what the fuck is the point if i want to kill myself? i was watching some video yesterday and the ad before it had some internet motivational speaker saying, in reference to life and work, "it shouldn't be so hard. if it's hard, you're doing something wrong." that sounds kind of flip and easy and dismissive, but it's not. based on my radical new understanding of myself and my life after these insane 18 months, i think what people mean when they say this is that it should not feel so difficult when you are on the right path for yourself. when you are doing what is right for YOU in YOUR LIFE, or when you are working toward that, it will feel easy to you. you will feel light and joyous in pursuit of it, and you will have endless energy for it. that is how i feel now, about so many things in my life. i came home from work last night and went shopping and then spent several hours doing dishes and cooking these amazing lunches for work. i love cooking and experimenting and tweaking recipes so much. i was just thinking to myself, wow, it feels so good to get back to this. this is like, core me. to have baking projects in the queue again. shopping for craft supplies. making something and using it. making something and having a stranger across the country send me a photo of something they made from something I made. there is nothing like it, for me, anyway. hopefully i won't end up old and poor, "without a pot to piss in," as my mother loves to say i'll find myself one day, but so what if i do? what will they say at my funeral? "she was bitter and miserable, but at least she made a lot of money"? i would rather they say, "she lived a simple life, but she was so happy, she looked forward to every day, and she made beautiful pieces of art that people all over the world can pass down through their families." you know? |