| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
thoughts on a past life.
2019-01-31 @ 9:04 p.m.
i slept like a baby last night. i mean i just got in that bed and got snuggled in and was so perfectly warm and comfortable all night. i woke up a few times because my little snugglebuddy was tucked right up against me and i wanted to roll over, but other than that it was just so good. getting an awesome sleep is super rare for me so this is kind of a big deal, of note. TS asked me to stop at the liquor store for him while i was out getting everyone's lunch today so i said sure since last time i was in there i saw a pineapple cider that looked interesting. of course they didn't have the one i saw the first time but they had a different brand so i got it. it's pretty good! a little bit more dry than i was expecting but i think it's a good thing, it's probably more refreshing this way. i think if it were sweeter it might lean a bit too close to cloying, which no one seems to like but me when it comes to cider. anyway, i got carded at the register and i laughed and said "i'm just happy you think i look young enough to be carded," and the dude at the register was like, "your skin. you have beautiful skin." and i was like wow thank you. i guess my makeup is really good because my skin is fucking awful. i mean it's literally trash. so fucking oily it is actually disgusting. best friend's mom has always told me i'd appreciate my oiliness when i'm older because i won't get wrinkles. she's right so far but jesus christ, how can i redirect some of this oil from my face to the rest of my body, which is SO DRY i have to fully shea butter myself twice a day in the winter!? gross. i'm so gross. my cat just brought me a toy, and it's adorable that i saw him pick it up and take it into the kitchen a few minutes ago, and i thought oh, i thought he was going to bring it to me, but he was just taking it with him while he got a little snack - he brought it here after he finished. i love watching animals and the things they decide to do. i think their little animal thoughts are so cute and interesting. i went shopping right after work since we closed right on time tonight. i was trying to do all of this work but boss came back in the last hour and started talking to me about his life and how he's struggling over how much he hates his house but also how much he doesn't want to move, like at all. and then it turned into this philosophical debate about risk taking. my fortune cookie said today, "it is what you haven't done that will torment you." i told him i agree with the cookie. getting ready this morning, i was thinking about asking out that dude who i recently had the close call with for valentine's day. like NOT as a date, which i would make abundantly clear, but just as a hang out where we go and eat a lot of food. i have firmly decided that don't need a relationship anytime in the near future. i'm not lonely, and i feel like i have plenty to do. i truly am a solitary creature, and that's okay. i am very satisfied with my current circle, and this dude sort of exists on the outskirts and is cool so it would be okay to bring him in a little closer. but not too close! then i started thinking about this guy JE i dated in high school. my thoughts were kind of swirling around how i have always dated terrible guys, then i tried to remember if i ever dated a decent one and then i came to JE. he was so beautiful. he was like a deer, just tall and lean but not lanky and really gentle and quiet and deliberate. kind of sad. an artist. really intellectual and cerebral. i was the shitty one in that relationship. things were never right for us. in high school, it was unacceptable among his friend ground to date outside his race, so it didn't work out (i didn't take it personally, it was a really small town and most people were pretty racist). but he was my first "real" date. had to meet my parents and everything. we met up later after he had graduated and best friend and i were looking at colleges in the city. it was incredible for just that sweet day, but i had a boyfriend at the time (who treated me like shit, but still) so it was just that day. then he moved, and years passed, and i had just ended my second most serious relationship and was just trashed from it. one night i turned on my fucking AOL instant messenger and there JE was. he apologized for everything and gave me that closure that i'd wanted and needed all that time. and then we couldn't stop talking, for months and months all we did was talk, and then he was calling me on the phone to tell me goodnight. but he couldn't come up here and i couldn't go there. we were too far apart. then he sent me a christmas present, a huge amazing gift of all of these perfect things that he picked just for me, and wrote me this note about how he was always thinking about me. and my heart just dropped into my stomach, and i had this terrible fear overwhelm me. now, even though it was so long ago, i can remember the feeling so well, but it feels impossible to articulate my thoughts. i don't know how to describe it. i was just so afraid that my heart was going to be broken again. so soon off of that breakup that was so sudden and brutal. i don't know, i just felt like i didn't have anything left to give him. the distance was impossible for at least several years. it just wasn't feasible, and that gift for some reason just made it really real to me. i think i might have even cried. so i just kind of stopped talking to him. i was always too busy, i was always away. i felt so guilty about it, and i still do now. but i couldn't take that pain again, so soon. i mean, the whole reason we even started talking again in the first place was because i was sad about my breakup. but i know i was an asshole and he didn't deserve that, especially after his kindness. i searched him the other day and he is back in this state, working at a place up north that i drive by all the time. he's their internet guy. he looks exactly the same, still so handsome in his little headshot. i wanted to send him a message just to say i'm sorry, because it's something that has eaten me up for years. especially now, after the way things ended with boy, i felt so much more compelled to apologize to JE for the way i went about it. i have to be honest, i've always believed "what goes around comes around," and "you get back what you put out, times three," so when things ended the way they did with boy that i genuinely did think back to JE, thinking well, this is kind of times ten but i get it. maybe did deserve it. i won't do that, though, i'm pretty sure that i won't. probably 80% sure. i think he's married now and i want to respect that. and if he's not i don't want anything to start. i'm not ready for anything in my life right now and i don't want to be a piece of shit to him again. i feel like the pain of never being able to tell him i'm sorry is just what i will have to bear. what i have now is boss, and i just can't explain our relationship. i've said so many times i've started writing about it but i've never been able to condense it into something that's not a novel. it's hard to grasp the essence of something that started one way and turned into something that itself is difficult to explain. all i can say is that we have tremendous affection for each other, this kind of unspoken love communicated in kindnesses and trust and loyalty to each other. boss does the nicest, most considerate things for me all the time, and is so thoughtful of me in general. every day, he comes in and turns my heater on for me so my area is warm when i come in. he brings me little snacks and things that he finds. he doesn't stay late when i'm not feeling well. he's just such a great guy. no other male relationship in my life has been this good. it's kind of weird, because i thought about it a lot while i was still with boy, but i think about it a lot now. boss treats me better than anyone ever has. everyone thinks that there's something more to it than that, but there actually isn't. i have these moments of doubt where i start feeling cagey, like okay, how is this going to get fucked up. what does he really want from me. they make me second guess it, and i do too because well, someone's always wanted something and/or it got fucked up. but i've known him pretty intimately for a long time now and i think he's one of the rare few - just a genuinely nice guy. he makes me smile so often, just genuine happiness to know a person. he's super aggravating but it's just how he is, and is even a little bit endearing (maybe only to me). so all of that rambling is kind of to say, i don't feel like i need a new relationship right now because i'm in the perfect relationship. boss and i work together, get along great, are very close, spend a lot of time together. then i get to go home and have all of the alone time that i need. the only thing i'm really missing is actual like, piv sex but i honestly feel so spiritually satisfied at the moment that i don't miss it too much. i didn't mean to spend as much time on this as i did but i've been sitting on that stuff all day. i'm supposed to be cleaning out the cabinets! |