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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
high on me.
2019-02-05 @ 9:55 p.m.
unfinished thoughts from sunday: it's warmer and the sun is out today. i threw some birdseed in the backyard so mr. snuggle has some action in the morning. the groundhog said we're supposed to get an early spring and it has that warming up soil scent in the air. snow is melting, and the drops of water falling from the branches sound like rain. i have dishes to wash, a budget to adjust, cookies to bake. tidying up. video games. changed the batteries in my fairy lights. pretty living room. blinds open, sun stretched across the wall. not feeling super well right now, having some serious pain, but have medicated and am waiting for it to pass. i love being home, i love being alone, on a day like this. it's quiet and calm outside. church let out a couple of hours ago and most of the cars have disbursed. i have an amz shopping cart full of versatile spring/summer clothing items in anticipation of the paring down of my wardrobe, and most importantly, my trip. and now, for today: yesterday the weather was fantastic. like 65 degrees and sunny and calm again. i came in and told boss i had to go drop off my laundry* and he said he needed me to drive down south and pick up a window from this specialty place. ER was practically crying because he wanted me to tell boss to let him go instead of me, but i was like yeah right dude! seeya! oh man, it was so nice. boss gave me one of his cars to drive and i brought my little blutooth thing and it worked great and everything was great. my brother called and told me the most ridiculous fucking story about how incredibly awkward he is despite being a grown man. the sun was out. everything was beautiful. my mom gave me this sweater for xmas that i was kind of iffy about because it could either look really cool and boho on me or make me look really fucking huge. luckily, it looked cool and boho and was so light yet warm and perfect for this unseasonably springlike weather today. i looked really great but could have looked better if i hadn't been lazy last night and had straightened my hair. instead i was kind of hermione book 1. i made a really fucking great hoagie for lunch today and both TS and JC came in and saw me eating it and actually stopped in their tracks and said, "damn, where'd you get that?" and i said "in my kitchen, yo" and they were like holy shit, really? it wasn't anything crazy, i just paid a lot of attention to detail. got my meats and cheeses sliced just how i liked them. selected the perfect rolls. paid a little extra for the good roasted red peppers. spring mix. tomatoes i patiently waited to ripen before putting these hoagies on my meal schedule. like i said, it was a fucking great hoagie. anyway boss came into the office later and we were just sitting there quietly and i said, "you know, two men complimented my hoagie today." and he just burst out laughing but said absolutely nothing. i found it so funny that we were just like ... on the same page about that. one of our contractors came by tonight and we were chatting and he was telling me that he might have to disturb me in the morning to move my car because he's getting a delivery of concrete (he's doing work in my basement). they want to be able to pull the truck up all the way to the back of the driveway because the basement entrance is back there. so of course i said sure, but what i thought was adorable was that boss told this guy about my schedule, that i go to bed late and wake up late so please don't disturb me. and this guy is like, oh okay and is being so considerate of that. and then he tells me that if he wasn't a married man he would look for a woman like me because i'm so kind and conscientious and pleasant, which is also why he likes boss so much. honest, reasonable people like us are rare these days. i thought that was really sweet, because i love this guy and he has always been so kind and thoughtful to me too. and i am just a kind of weird, awkward person so i am sure i come off badly sometimes, but it really touched me that he took the time to say this to me, and that if i ever need anything he is there for me. i think a lot about these qualities of mine, and how the people in my life now appreciate and honor those things in me, where boy exploited them. and that was the specific word that i really feel is applicable. he absolutely exploited my kindness. so i understand that with bad people, those qualities can destroy me. i really have to hold in my heart and my mind how it feels to genuinely be liked and appreciated for the person i am. that there are other people out there still trying to be real and do the right thing. man, i feel so good. i'm saving up for a lot of things but i feel like time is flying. i wish i had more time. bit by bit, i'm trying to get organized. it feels so good - as the grass and the trees begin to come back, so will i. also today, mr. able came back from overseas. boss was really excited to see him and said he misses him a lot and thinks he's so brave for just dropping everything and moving because he knew in his heart it was what he needed to do. mr. able looks great and came back just to see everyone and keep on traveling. we were trying to tell boss that he also needs to put himself first sometimes. boss thinks that he needs to just "work and work and work" so his kids don't have to worry about anything and he can afford to put himself into a decent nursing home when it's time and hope that they'll visit him (depressingly, this is a direct quote). i said you know, instead of killing yourself working toward this bleak ass fucking future you could take a day here and there to spend with your kids NOW so they don't resent you for never being there their entire lives. he said, that's the conundrum, isn't it? i feel so bad for him. what happened to me really helped me figure out what was important to me, what is my drive. he always says that he's xx years old and still hasn't figured out what he wants to do with his life. maybe it's just me, but sometimes you know some people who are so perpetually troubled that your one wish for them is that they can just have one nice relaxing day where they are able to feel calm and happy. anyway, he also said that he wouldn't know what to do if i decided to suddenly move away, so you know, please don't. i said, you know i can never leave you. i think that he thinks i'm joking when i say that, because i've said it before, but honestly i can't imagine ever finding a job i like more. * so back to laundry for a minute - this will surely give away my identity because i tell everyone i know about this shit. but a laundromat that has wash and fold service is the best thing ever! is this everywhere? somehow i had never heard of it until last year, but i've always been fortunate enough to have access to a washer and dryer in someone's home, so maybe i'd just never heard of it because i was never in a laundromat. at the one i use exclusively now (once i discovered the service i tried it at different places in the area but settled on this one because it's the best), i bag up my clothes in giant garbage bags and drop them off early afternoon. i always request a call if it'll be finished before close (but they always forget to call me so i call them), and so far every single time they have finished my clothes by day's end. when i went yesterday i was sure that it was too late in the day at about 3-3:30, but sure enough when i got home around 9 i called and it was done (except for my sheets, there was some confusion about them so they weren't yet dry so i said i'd come back today). all of my clothes are nicely hung or folded and bagged, washed in whatever i ask them to use, and i can provide my own detergents and softeners if i want. $1 per pound, no extra charges, sales tax included. it is the absolute best. i can't tell you how much i love packing up my clothes, dropping them off 15 minutes away, going to work all day then picking up my freshly washed and folded laundry. for an extra quarter per pound they would even pick it up from my house and deliver it back to me, but that's just too extravagant. i love it. LOVE it! i felt kind of guilty?? about it at first because i was like ugh i'm being so lazy, but i think i'm just using my time wisely. i'm being more productive. let me go to work and make some money instead of wasting a couple of hours at the laundry, trapped in front of the spinning drums. ** as i am proofreading, it has come to my attention that my "T" key is messed up. i hope i catch them all but if there are a lot missing, you know what happened. my cat wants to eat. so do i. then i have to pay some bills, wash some dishes, do some gaming, straighten my hair. a lot of unfinished work awaits me tomorrow, but i'm ready. i'm taking off saturday, and i'm going to leave on time this time. my budget is pretty tight but i'm going to treat myself. i'll do a couple of late nights next week to make it up. i am so happy and life is so good! this is what it felt like when i was in love, except now i'm just high on me. and i dig it. |