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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
togetherness.
2019-02-22 @ 7:57 p.m.
i had a super day today, my brother did come so we got to go to lunch together, and now i am home super early because boss is having a big dinner. my cat woke up and yawned at me, and glanced in my direction, but didn't get up at all. usually he comes and stretches and follows me around while i get undressed and turn on the lights. before i even made it to the couch, he was back asleep already. i sat next to him, where i am now, and he's all curled up sleeping so deeply! i was wondering wtf he did today that has him so exhausted but i remembered he did kind of have a lot of action. i didn't clean as much as i should have over the weekend, and then kept putting it off this week, but then i found out my brother was coming so i was like ugh let me wipe the bathroom down and vacuum the floor at least. last night i did the bathroom and this morning i vacuumed the whole place. but little mister was crazy! he loves to play so he was so nosy while i did the bathroom last night, running and pouncing and looking out all of the windows (i had them open because fumes, but it was so nice yesterday the fresh air was welcome either way). last night i also built my dish rack!!! it's perfect, i have so much counter space now, omg. i'm so excited and am going to write an amazon review. seriously. the price for what you actually get is pretty steep, but the space and the improvement in my quality of life is invaluable so it was all worth it. i couldn't believe how much it can hold - even more than the other! and it drips right down into the sink so i don't have to clean up wet towels and drip pans all the time. SO happy about this purchase, so happy about my kitchen right now. so anyway, my dork ass cat was wild helping me last night, then bird watched all morning, then i vacuumed so he was terrified for an hour, then my brother came, and i realized wow, this guy had kind of a busy day for once! i interrupted his usual 18 hours of daily sleep with all of my human shenanigans. sorry, little bud. i'll let you catch up <3 so yeah. i'm so happy, so chilled out right now. i have absolutely nothing that i have to do, and won't have to do major cleaning over the weekend so i can go full lazy on sunday and just do some baking. don't even have to do the dishes, and my lunch is already made for tomorrow. i feel so free and relaxed and good. it is just unbelievable. when my brother and i were at lunch, were talking about all of the fun things we have planned to do together this year. so much to look forward to. and when we were driving we saw a vehicle that looked like boy's, like exactly like boy's except it was a PA driver, and we both commented on it and i said, "you know, i DREAD running into that guy some day. he's such a piece of shit that i feel like i might get crazy and fight him or something." and he said, i think that a lot too, actually. when we all lived together my brother and boy had almost come to blows over something. today, when i told my brother about these several little isolated anecdotes boy had mentioned over time and how i just recently put them together, realizing the grand scale of his lies and deception, realizing he had been lying from day one of our relationship, he said wow. i wish i had known that back then [in the garage] so i would have had a reason to beat that guy's ass. yup. i'm truly not the kind of person who wishes harm on others because i really do believe you get back the energy you put out and that's really negative. i don't do a lot of bad things in life - i don't treat people badly, i don't lie and deceive people, i'm not rude and i don't steal and i am generous and try to be super patient and tolerant and kind to everyone. as you know i am not religious and don't believe in the biblical "sin" but i do believe in it in a spiritual sense. and i really have to confess that my one sin is wishing to see, or to somehow know, that he is getting his comeuppance. it is not enough for me to trust that he is suffering the consequences of his cumulative misdeeds. i know he is. from day one that i met him on this earth he was troubled, and has continue to suffer for his bad luck, but more for his bad choices. but for me to achieve true closure, to consider this case closed, i just wish to know for sure. to see some concrete evidence. to hear from a mutual acquaintance, to see an article, for him to attempt to hoover me back by giving me his sob story (although now that i think of it, this wouldn't really do the trick for me since everything he says is a lie). i just want to know that this bad guy got what he deserved. i know i will lose one brownie point for that, but it's worth it to me. this was a guy who was invited with me to easter at someone's house we had never met, but who was close to my family. and how he was completely belligerent, made us late getting there, got wasted in the first 30 mins we were there, then proceeded to continue on getting shitfaced, hurling incredibly offensive racial slurs at my brother all afternoon (which is something they would do to each other in private, together with just friends who understood their sense of humor, but was wildly inappropriate and uncomfortable for literally everyone else at this gathering), then had to be dragged to my car in which he threw up, so i had to pull off of an ez pass only exit and got a $150 ticket which he refused to pay, then he passed out the whole rest of the ride, then refused to clean my car. like, ever. that night, sure, he was really fucked up. but for several days afterward i asked him to please clean it up and he would never do it. so yeah, i'll take the bad little piece of karma i deserve for wishing to fulfill this base voyeuristic desire to see his suffering with my own eyes. and then i'll truly rest easy. wow, what am i going to do tonight with all of this unstructured free time? i'm probably going to play video games, eat some ramen, and get rid of some more clothes. and i guess i'm going to clear out another kitchen cabinet. i found some breadcrumbs and cake flour up there that i hadn't touched for at least a year before i moved, and haven't touched since i moved. and how much red wine vinegar does one person really need? i am enjoying the feeling that every day is a baby step forward toward something i do not know, but am excited about. like one day i might actually be able to say that i have myself "together." |