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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
all different things.
2019-02-19 @ 11:21 p.m.
i had to go to camden today for mr. able, who is overseas. it's not as much of a shithole as it was in the past, surprisingly. i was there last summer because boss needed me to do something, i forget what it even was. but i do remember there was a dude obviously on drugs, nodding out on a bench in front of city hall, about ten feet away from a cop at like 1:30 in the afternoon. god, it's so fucking depressing. between then and now they actually put lines on some of the roads, re-paved some of the roads, and there was literally at least one cop on every single corner. i did not enjoy that they removed a huge amount of street parking to add another lane. i'm not paying $20 to park for an hour in a lot. and this is downtown only though. stray too far out and it's still the same bombed out boarded up misery that you've grown to know and love. anyway, it was actually a surprisingly pleasant experience. i had to go to the bankruptcy court to print some documents for him, because of course you can't just request them nor can you access them online. everyone i encountered was super pleasant and nice and helpful. when i got back i said that to boss, and he just stared at me for a minute and said, "i can't figure out if you were being sarastic." haha. the worst part of the entire trip was that the halal cart was out of both rice AND pitas. so we're supposed to get all of this snow tomorrow, it says 3-5 inches down here, so i went grocery shopping an hour or so ago because i knew i'd regret it if i didn't. i don't need anything now, and i don't REALLY need anything for tomorrow, but if it really does snow that much the roads around here are going to be fucked up for several days. i'd rather not realize i'm out of cat food or cream or something stupid and have to make a special trip. let me just be snuggled in here and not have to worry. i'm kind of dreading the snow just a tiny bit because i know it's a pain in the ass, and my office is so fucking coooooold (i wish i could insert several sadface emojis to emphasize this!), but even though i am old and greatly inconvenienced by the weather, snow is still so magical to me. standing there and looking up at the snow falling, the way it brightens the whole sky. the little cat and deer and birdie footprints. the way the world seems so much quieter. snow absolutely kills sales for us but listening to boss's complaining is worth the simple joy it brings me. my grandmother is very very old, closer to 100 than 90, and there was a little scare over the weekend. she's super shaken over it, and of course we all were too. for a long time the family has talked about how she can't be fully independent anymore, so for the past ... year or so? maybe it's two now, she's had a home health aide come in the evening and give her baths, do dinner, etc. after this, it was decided that she needs a live-in. my mom told me she was in the hospital on saturday, i think, and she also told me not to tell my brother because he freaks out about things and gets all worried. i was chilling out on sunday and he called me freaking out that no one told him what was going on. i was like dude, there's nothing to be worried about. everything is okay. she's okay, just sore. so it ended with me telling him, you know, if you want to see her then on your day off, come see her. like seriously, i hate to be like this but i've really become a realist lately - she's not getting any younger. i know we all have our lives but since she turned 90, we've all kind of been on our guard. she's not in poor health in general, but you never know what can or will happen. boss's FIL just never woke up a few months ago. these things happen when you get old. if i'm driving by, passing through going north somewhere, i almost always detour to stop by and just give my grandmother a hug and tell her i love her. she raised us since my mother was out being an asshole, so that's why my brother gets so emotional over her too. so this was pretty scary, yes, but it wasn't a huge deal. she's back home already and okay. anyway, my brother called me this morning to apologize for being a dick over the weekend. i thought that was really big of him, and appreciated it, but i hadn't felt offended or that he was being rude to me at all. i totally understood why he was upset, but during the initial phone call i told him no one let him know because we didn't want him freaking out and leaving work to drive up here for nothing. and he said you know i can't afford to just take off random days at this new job, and i said yeah, exactly. i know that and you just made my point for me. so today he said you're right, and that he's going to come up on his day off with a bunch of homemade frozen meals for her that she can just put in the microwave. that's the perfect thing to do and i'm really happy he's taking the time to do that. he lives like 2 1/2 hours away from her so it's not as easy for him to pop in like i do (~45 mins). i hope i get to see him while he's around. holy shit, it's 12:37 already!? i have so much more to say. i want to talk about how i know i don't have that much time left with her, and how i wish i knew more about her. she's always just been my grandmother, my second mother, who has always, always been there for me no matter what i did or how shitty i acted. for years, when i was deep in my depression and on the edge, actively planning my suicide, i would think to myself, "it would kill her. i can't do it while she's still alive. it would kill her." and i didn't. she and my cat are the only two reasons i am still on this earth. if not for them, i would have never taken that chance and reached out that day, that new year's eve. my hands shaking, i remember driving to the crisis center thinking, this is either going to be the beginning or the end. but that's all for another time. i also wanted to write about how i've been thinking about boy, his cruelty. i was getting dressed or undressed? the other night and i had this quick flash of a memory of a terrible thing he said to me. i thought to myself, how do people purposefully say and do things to hurt someone? i'm the kind of person who often fucks myself over because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. so coming from the complete opposite side of the spectrum, i can't imagine looking at someone who is looking at me, who may be angry with me (or happy or excited about something or whatever, it never mattered) but who has love in their heart for me, and deciding to say something that absolutely cuts them down just for fun. i wanted to write a really long entry about this, because i've been wondering a lot about people's capacity for cruelty lately. i watch a lot of true crime and the ones that really boggle my mind are when people hurt or kill children and babies. like this one dude strangled a baby. when i heard that, my mind couldn't even picture a person doing that. the thought of it is so horrifying to me that i literally can only imagine a flash of it, just for a second, like my mind's eye can't bear to look at it longer than that. i know that something of that nature is pretty much as far at one end of the spectrum as you can get, but boy is frighteningly close to him. the only reason boy hasn't done worse things in his life than he's already done is lack of opportunity. sadly, HE said that about himself. i just didn't believe him. i hope i can come back to those two things because i really have so many more thoughts on them. but i'm sooooo tired. i'm enjoying (lol) two new symptoms each month with my period - first, i wake up and shit my brains out for several hours, then i begin to feel intensely nauseous (you know when your mouth starts filling up with saliva, and your eyes water a little, and you're like oh shit i might puke in a second) for the next couple hours, then by dinner time i feel mostly normal. do not like! second, i get soooooooooooooooo tired!! i need to sleep 10-12 hours instead of my usual 7-8 to feel rested. then i get up and i feel all achy and shit. the internet told me that this has to do with changing hormone levels, and that joints and ligaments get less flexible or less lubricated or some shit and that causes the pain. i notice particularly that this ankle i badly sprained several times between ages 8-14 or so gives out randomly when i'm using stairs or anything else equally dangerous. a few times i was reaching for something during my period and hyperextended my elbow. my bones feel like they're connected inside by a rubber band that stretched but never snapped back into shape. once again, do not like. and i just want to mention, because once again i wanted to write about this at length, but man, i love my cat. he's such a cool little dude. just super chill, super nice, friendly, loves to play, loves to snuggle, well behaved, doesn't tear up my shit. knows not to use his claws. the most precious thing ever is when i'm walking and he wants to play and he just gently touches my leg or the back of my foot with his little paw, like "hey wanna chase each other?" it's so cute. when i come home from work he's in the window, touching the glass, meowing at me. i couldn't imagine a better little buddy. i am so happy i didn't let boy take him. i look over at this furry little guy and he looks at me and starts purring like a maniac. this is an easy, wonderful relationship in my life. okay cool so because i have no self control it's 1:18. really going to bed now or i'm going to get up so late .... it would be nice if it's snowing when i wake up! |