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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
stir crazy, knowing, future self, welfare check.
2019-03-01 @ 8:28 p.m.
it's cool that it's staying cold and snowing and shit, i love the winter, but the only thing that is bringing me down is that i can't go exploring. i NEED that. like every 2-3 weeks, i need one entire weekend to myself. yes that's right - i love my job so much that i voluntarily work 6 day weeks, 2-3 weeks of the month. if there's something that is happening on the weekend, like my brother and his wife want me to come visit, or it's a birthday party or something i'll take off. but if i have nothing going on, i am happy to be there. and the extra money is nice too. so it's been a few weeks and i'm getting stir crazy, especially because it's been pretty dreary to boot. the forecast says it's going to be raining/snowing for the next week! i gotta get out, man. i don't know what to do. like, i have a lot of errands i could do and they would get me out of the house, but my whole objective is to see as few people as possible so that would sort of defeat the purpose. typically i head north toward the direction of the poconos, but it stays REALLY cold and snowing up there and the roads are pretty challenging even in perfect weather. my car is not made for that so i get kind of nervous thinking about doing it in this weather. i have a phone and AAA and everything but ... i don't know. we'll see. anyway, today i came in after boss had called me to tell me i had two pretty substantial errands to run. i'd be gone most of the day. so i went over and got everything together but he said he was waiting on his wife to drop off the paperwork that i needed to drop off somewhere else. he said he was starving and asked if i wanted to eat but i said no, i'll get something on the way. but then i thought, you know, maybe i should eat now - but just as i had that thought, boss's friend stopped by (seeming somewhat morose, i wanted to ask him if he was okay but we don't really know each other that well) so the two of them ran out to do something. so i went on the errands and it took so long! and i got back at 5. i'm not a breakfast person, i'm a coffee til lunch type, so i was fucking ravenous by then. i busted into the office with a wild fucking look in my eye and boss said, "i'm not talking to you until you eat. you were hungry at 2, by now you're crazy." i love this guy and how well we know each other. we were getting ready to leave and he wanted to show me another location he is thinking about buying, but it's a secret to everybody. he started tearing up his desk, like where did the paper go!? oh man someone was in here! and i was like boss, no one was in here but me and your dad since i got back. so he's looking and looking, getting increasingly worried, and he's like it's gone. it's gone! and i said, i guarantee you hid it somewhere because you were worried someone was going to find it, but you forgot where you hid it. and in the middle of him saying "nuh uh," he's like oh. you're right, here it is. i was like yeah, you jackass. i fucking know you by now. these two exchanges got me thinking a lot about knowing the people in your life ... then i got started thinking about boy and i was like ugh. when i was driving earlier, i saw something that made me think of him too. they're never good memories, just random little flashes of how terrible he was sometimes, especially near the end. i mentioned a few entries ago about how i am mostly astonished by his ability to be cruel, and how he seemed to revel in it. what i thought about today was how he knew me well enough to know exactly what buttons to push. it was like in the last few months he had a mental list of the things that were most devastating to me in my life and he methodically went through it, crushing me with each one. you know how when you know someone, and there are a few things that you just DON'T say to that person. there are lines you don't cross. that is, unless you're a piece of shit. like that kid in your class in school whose mom died or something. everyone knew, you're all fucking around and making fun of each other. but you don't make jokes about that kid's dead mom. the person who does that is a piece of shit. and boy would never hesitate to be "that guy" with me. he really seemed to almost get off on it, like the vapors of my soul dying and escaping my body gave him strength. like a fucking bad guy in a video game. jesus christ. anyway, i don't think i mentioned that i ordered all of these clothes recently. maybe i did. but they came and i tried them on and they fit wonderfully, and are nice neutral things that replace some other things i have that i love but never wear (due to poor fit, mostly). i got two really cute pairs of shoes, one of which is yet to arrive, but the ones that are here fit perfectly and are such a lovely color! i'm so excited about the spring because i'm going to have so many nice, fresh looking outfits. so many of my things are years and years old! (i am not a fan of shopping.) it'll be nice to get rid of some of those dingy looking clothes, with all their tiny stains and little holes. i'm not particularly vain, but i do care that i look good and put together. it's just a standard for myself. so this is a great step in that direction. what am i going to DO tomorrow!? i hope i can make up my mind before i go to bed! when the fuck am i going to stop being so lazy and putting it off and just start working out again? i am frequently mistaken for much younger than i am. i still have good skin, collagen wise. i'm just like, 50 pounds overweight right now. and i don't hate my body or anything, i'm actually in a spot where i'm pretty happy with how i look. appearance-wise i wish i were a little thinner in the waist - i just get bloated so often that when i'm having one of those days, i really look and feel like a balloon. but i still feel great about myself in general. i just know i could look better. the real problem is, i'm getting old. i am really feeling it on my body now. i say it often, but it is truly no joke when people say it starts going downhill at 30. i had never had a hangover in my life until my 30s. and i drank in my 20s. i feel generally achier, less flexible, more creaky. heavier. i took for granted the energy i had when i was in my teens and twenties. and that was even with my crippling depression. my body has become something that i now realize i will have to maintain and look after. those effortless years are over. and aesthetically, yes, it was awesome being fit. i remember i was complimented by three random men for having "strong shoulders." like, i don't know, maybe i'm weird but i'm hit on pretty often, and usually it's just kind of annoying. but hearing just ... a compliment, by itself, from a man, for looking strong? it made me feel really great, really proud of my work. because staying in shape really is work if you weren't blessed with that body type. i just know that if i don't get serious about making fitness a part of my life, i'm going to feel shitty in 20 years. my grandmother, my aunt, my mom, me. we are all carbon copies of each other. i know exactly what i am going to look like then, my projected energy levels. my mom, and my aunt and i all have office jobs. so given my metabolism stays generally the same, and i keep doing the same things, i think they are a pretty accurate vision of where i'll be. i want to head off the joint problems and the pulled tendons and the bad shoulders. being so stiff in the morning. i'll be so stupid if i don't take this more seriously but we all know how fucking hard it is to stick to working out. uugggghhhhh i really don't want to disappoint my future self, i promised i was going to stop doing this. to close on the most adorable note, i was talking to my mom earlier and i was telling her how sometimes i like to get off of my pillows and kind of lay in front of them, like horizontally across the bed. whenever i do this, i think my cat is concerned that something happened to me, because he walks along my headboard, leans over, and screams into my ear. the first time he did it, i thought he was just being weird, because well, he is. but then i had pulled a muscle in my lower back a few months ago and i needed to sleep flat, and he did it almost every morning. again, i thought he was just being wild and wanting to play or something, because it was just for a few days and he didn't do it again. he did it earlier in the week when i was sleeping like that because of cramps, but it didn't click for me until today when i was sleeping normally on the pillows when i first heard him come in, and i noticed the time and thought i could get in another hour so i lay flat and fell into a pretty deep sleep, and when he came in an hour later he screamed in my ear so loud it surprised me awake! i realized he couldn't see my face or my body because i was all covered, and i was just like oh shit, i think that's what he was trying to do all of those other times, too. just checking to see if the food-bearing and poop-scooping machine will be operational. thanks, bud. anyway, time for me to shut up and get ready for bed. this was all a stalling mechanism as i was trying to decide what i'm going to do tomorrow. i think i definitely need the day off, good weather or not. but what will i do, where will i go. even i don't know. |