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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i got my feet on the ground.
2019-03-07 @ 7:59 p.m.
i don't want to get into a huge thing because i know i have it in me to go on and on tonight but i really want to spend my time gaming and cleaning. boss and i were getting ready to leave and i said i'm probably not coming on saturday because the weather will be nice but also because there's supposed to be a little family dinner for whoever is around. they want to have it kind of early, but i want to go out and explore so i'll probably do that, then head over when the sun sets. boss was like oh wow you won't have that many hours this week but i understand your logic (that spending time with my family is more important to me than money). and i said you never know what is going to happen, so you have to grab these moments when you can. especially with people you might not have much time left to enjoy together. he said, you're so morbid today. and i said you know, 3 years ago i was almost not on this earth. like, we never would have met. and i chose life, and to put myself and the people i love and the things important to me first, and to go forth in such a way that i can die without major regrets. i feel good about everything i choose to do (except not working out but we've already discussed this). that's my thing now. and he started giving me this whole spiel about how he can't, it's not that easy, the kids aren't showing a lot of interest in hanging out with their parents anymore, etc. etc. and i said whatever man. if it's important to you you'll make time for it. and i just hope you don't look back years from now and wish you had been there. it was weird to say it out loud, like to say it TO someone. but it was also cool to recognize that i have something that i'm about, i have a philosophy. with boy i felt so helplessly resigned to this random, terrifying future. i could barely sleep through an entire night because i would just be laying there worrying, "what next?" now i'm like hi, i'm tinea and i have these goals and these values and no one will stand in my waaaaaayyyyy!!!! that's it. i love how radically different it feels to be me right now. me from 5 years ago would never have believed it. but that's cool, because i've always loved surprises. |