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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
teeth.
2019-03-23 @ 3:56 p.m.
this is just a random little entry in the middle of the day, and i'm probably going to write again later but i just wanted to say: i'm not terrified of many things, like i'm generally anxious about everything but can usually power through. but i am fucking terrified of the dentist. right now i have really good insurance after a year long lapse due to some administrative error that i was finally able to get resolved in december. my mother had bad teeth and avoided the dentist like the plague so as a result, we never went either unless there was a major problem. the first time i went, i had broken a tooth due to a cavity and had to have it filled. i was like 16? 17 maybe? i could drive a car, i know that much. so this rando i go to for this procedure doesn't wait for me to get numb despite me telling him repeatedly that i could feel it. i could feel every second of him drilling into my tooth, it was literally the most painful experience of my life (as a heavily tattooed person, i find myself often discussing my "pain scale" with people and this dentist visit has always kept the #1 spot). i didn't go back for another ... 7 years i think it was? when i had to have my wisdom teeth out. the bottom ones were growing into my face and super hurt, so they said let's just take them all out in case the top ones decide to do the same. after the first experience i had, i opted for sedation this time around. the oral surgeon i had was a super guy, wrote me a prescription for ice cream and gave me a tshirt and a stuffed tooth like i was a little kid. that was adorable, but what was not was the fact that i woke up during the surgery as they were saying, shit, the tooth broke during the extraction so they had to cut the pieces out. a nurse realized i was up and they took me back out, so when i woke up the second time i was suuuuuuuuuper groggy and in the second most pain of my life, for several days. the only reason i don't rate this higher than my first visit pain-wise is because while it was awful (and fucking dry sockets, fuck my life), the pain did not eclipse the white hot terror of being awake and feeling it and being totally 100% aware but trapped in the chair. i have such anxiety every time i even remember it, i can already feel my hands start to shake as i'm writing about it! so several years ago i broke a molar but filled it with temp bond. at the time i had no insurance at all and it was during the chaos with boy, so even if i had the cash available to pay for it, i was an agoraphobic basket case and couldn't even make a phone call, nevermind GO to a new dentist, sign up, get examined and make long term care plans on my own. it was just during a period that i was truly incapable of that. so i just kept it clean, kept filling it with bond, and hoped for the best. it remained just fine for a very long time. until last fall, when i broke the molar on the other side even worse. again, i was like wtf i'm not going to the dentist, temp bond that bitch. that worked out great for some time until last week. due to never filling the newer broken tooth, the tooth in front of it started shifting, which is causing the filling in it to shift. i got scared that it was going to fall out or crack or something and i wouldn't be able to chew anything on that side so i started to build up my resolve that i'm going to make an appointment ..... soon. but then the other day. boss gave me some banging fucking "rainforest chips" that his mom bought. i was like holy shit these are delicious, cronched down like a champ, and felt something weird and hard get lodged in my upper molar. at first i thought i was going to just chomp down again to break it up, assuming it was a piece of chip, but decided against it when i thought that maybe i shouldn't bite down so hard on a tooth that was already broken. i'm glad i didn't because when i spit it out, i saw that it was a PIECE OF TOOTH. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. okay, so now i can't procrastinate anymore, i really have to go. since friday, the fear has been so fucking real man. i'm doing deep breathing, i have been doing meditations at night to calm the anxiety. i know that the anticipation is worse than the reality, most of the time. but i'm so fucking scared. i just keep trying to tell myself it'll be even worse if i keep letting it go, then i'll need root canals, they might have to pull the teeth, i might need implants if i don't take care of it now. everything will be okay. everything will be okay! sorry this is so random, i needed to talk it out. i'm making a promise to myself that i am going to go and get these teeth taken care of, because they are a part of me, and i am taking care of me now. i have money, i have insurance, i have no excuse. ok that's all. bye! |