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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
wasting time, and thinking of my grandmother.
2019-05-09 @ 11:28 p.m.
i got home really late from work again (only like an hour ago at 10:30) so i figured i'd just write some nonsense and then go to bed. i was reading rddt, about a surprisingly prolific author (since the story is still in the news i don't want to name this person for fear of coming up in search results but she writes romance novels, you've seen her in every drug store), and another commenter mentioned that stphn kng has the same kind of philosophy toward writing. it's a job. no matter what, they wake up every day and commit to producing a certain amount of work. if they're not feeling the project they're working on, they work on something else. but they work on it. so even though i'm writing in here, about nothing, i am writing something. and that is good. there is a dude on ytbe who does GoT commentary and i love him, but he takes these long fucking drinks of water during his Q/A segments that drive me CRAZY! he reads a question, then takes a long ass sip, then answers. it's like every other question. i don't know why it bothers me so much but it's so annoying to me sometimes that i have to close the video even if i'm super interested in what he's talking about. this is very weird of me, i know. but he is on in the background and he's done it three times since i started writing this paragraph. i just can't. it was cold today! i had to wear a long sleeve shirt under a heavy sweatshirt and was still pretty chilly. boss turned his heater on, which was shocking because he's usually bitching that he's sweating. but anyway, i'm super into it. my grandmother is not doing super well but not badly either. she's just really old and miserable. someone has to help her get in and out of the bath, and she's so proud and hates having to ask for help and be so vulnerable so she just refuses to bathe until my mom goes over and forces her to. she texted me this evening (we spoke earlier in the afternoon) and she told me she was "making granny take a bath" and said "you should never have to see your 96 year old mother naked in the shower." i think about her a lot, and how i should visit more, even though i already visit the most outside of my parents (they simply live within walking distance so it's natural that they'll see her the most). but like one of her own children, uncle J, lives 15 minutes away and he can never take time to come over or help her do anything because he's "busy with the town council." he's volunteering for this cool old historic town he lives in. that's cool, but your mother needs you. same with her oldest, uncle W. he can never be bothered unless he wants something, and when he does show up he has this attitude like "okay, let's get it going here, i have places to be." a couple months ago my grandmother's nurse was unavailable for 3 days over a weekend and my mom had a business trip so it left my stepdad and two uncles nearby to help her out. when my mom called uncle W and practically begged him to just spend 4 hours over there in the morning because it wasn't fair to my stepdad to just assume he was going to do it (let's not forget uncles J and W are her OWN CHILDREN!), uncle W complained that he was planning on going to an intramural basketball game that morning and that "some people have LIVES, you know!" fucking wow. unbelievable. you can't skip a fucking basketball game in which your kids aren't even PLAYING (yeah, they're grown and married and gone and he's retired) to spend 4 hours with your mother one morning? fuck, dude. so i feel guilty that i don't see her more often because the rest of my family is pretty garbage. i was doing dishes last night and wondered as i looked over and saw my cousin's wedding announcement on the fridge, is granny going to go? does she even want to go? i don't think she gives a shit because this cousin never ever calls her except on the christmases he doesn't come home. it made me a little sad to think about how the other cousins never bothered to have much of a relationship with her, i guess because their other parent's parents are all still alive and younger and have been more involved in their lives. for my brother and i, our grandmother not only raised us but has been our only living grandparent for most of our lives. (our grandfather, granny's husband, died when i was 8 and my brother was 3. i remember him well but my brother does not.) it also makes me a little sad to think about how i feel like i don't have much time left to make her truly feel proud of me. but i think i'm just being hard on myself for not achieving my self-imposed goals. i want her to see me get my business back to where it was, get my name back in magazines, in the newspaper. i want her to see me sell my art again. but i'm just not there on that stuff yet. still, every time i see her now, more specifically, every time i've seen her since boy and i broke up, she is just glowing with happiness to see how happy i am. so i feel like i have achieved at least that, and i hope that when she passes from this life, she will leave knowing that i'm going to be okay. i really will be. that made me cry a little. i don't want to get sad before bed. oh shit now it's almost 1am. well, i succeeded in wasting time. last note: do you know how you know when you need to buy your cat more toys? when every morning, he brings you every toy he owns, and you play with them all, and he still wants more. he starts bringing me things that aren't even toys. i love him. nite! |