tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

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2019-05-13 @ 9:44 p.m.

i had to go into the cabinet where my cat's favorite food is stored but it isn't time for him to have it yet so i told him "it's not time yet," (trying to teach him this command) so he's just sitting and angrily staring at me over the lid of my laptop. the guilt i'm feeling is making it hard to concentrate.

it was cold as fuck today! holy shit, it got down to the low 40s last night and has just been pouring rain since ... pretty much all day yesterday, too. i left the windows cracked and the fan on in the living room like an absolute fucking jackass so when i woke up today it was like 62 degrees in here. i hated it, but i had to turn the heat back on today! thermal shirt and everything for work, too. i'm not complaining though, i'm just stating facts. i fucking hate the summer with a passion and the longer it's cool and wonderful outside, the better my life is.

for two nights in a row, i have forgotten to take my allergy pills. i usually take just your standard generic brand decongestant and some benadryl (why get expensive special stuff when the classics work just fine?). years ago i used to wake up with sneezing fits and my nose would be crazy stuffy. i'd be stuck like that for a while and have trouble going back to sleep so i started taking these as a preventative measure. it usually worked. i also had crazy insomnia from being constantly fucking stressed, so the benadryl would knock me out. i had a lot of trouble going to, and staying asleep. for years and years!

i've been on this fucking magnesium train that i won't stop talking about, so i have been taking it religiously, as well as my other vitamins. it has helped my sleep tremendously, along with my previously debilitating menstrual cramps. then, the past two nights i forgot to take the allergy pills and had two absolutely perfect nights of sleep. so, looking back on all of the other factors going on in my life, i can say that a good proportion of my allergies were probably from boy, i think from the fine dust from work and copious amounts of cigarette ash that covered everything he owned. i sneezed like crazy when he smoked around me, and sometimes i'd start having an asthma attack from the coughing, which was fun.

i am super allergic to something at my mom's house, too. i always had crazy allergies that i remember getting better slightly when i moved down here. i always used to say, you must have a tree or something that we don't have where i live. we couldn't, and still can't figure out what it is. for the first half of my life, i lived there.

the other thing these two have is common is that i was incredibly depressed, stressed, and so anxious during these periods. i remember that for that brief period i was bodybuilding and super healthy and boy was still acting for the most part like a normal person, i felt amazing. i couldn't understand why my allergies were so much better, and figured it had to be my new healthy lifestyle.

and i think that was part of it, because my nutrition was well balanced. but now, i'm starting to think that my allergies - and come to think of it, general "not feeling well" i've experienced in some way or another my whole life - were exacerbated hugely by the depression and stress. i always had an idea they were related, but i never realized how much until now. everything about me feels so much better. like, i am old so i'm achy and shit, like you get in your 30s. but in general i feel fucking amazing in comparison to how i felt for the majority of my life. why did i endure so much suffering for so long?

i endured so much of it to be with a person who knew that what they were doing was hurting me and making me feel shitty. let that sink in. i'm still letting it sink in. i gave literally everything i had to that person who has never contacted me in any way since. everything i had, even my health. it's fucking sick, how sick i was.

mother's day was really nice. the weather was total balls, as i mentioned earlier, but we bbqed and ate inside and had a nice time with our inner circle. my mom invited my favorite relative to come with us on vacation since the place we're renting is really big, so that would be an absolute blast. my grandmother was really happy and adorable. it was a really good day, and the food was amazing. i got to bring so much home so i didn't have to go grocery shopping for this week. i have dessert and everything, i'm so excited.

tomorrow boss told me i have a journey to go on, so i'm pumped for that. it's really far so he'll give me way more money than i need for gas and lunch. it'll be nice to kind of have a day to myself since i worked saturday and was with family all day sunday. if i don't have one day where i can kind of recharge from social situations i start to feel kind of edgy. so at least i'll get to have a good three hours or so of some chill music and good central/north jersey food. white castle? or REAL pizza?? tough decisions.

boss and i were squabbling about something and DR was like when are you two going to get married already? haha. DR confided in me once that he was a huge proponent of boss getting a divorce, and they had talked about it several times. i was like holy shit, why is boss telling you this kind of thing? but that's another story. DR's parents had this SUPER fucked up relationship and even worse divorce but he is much happier outside of that environment. boss is afraid of a divorce financially so it's not something that he would realistically consider.

i totally wouldn't, by the way. his comment just made me remember how awkward it was that i knew what he meant by it, and i'm sure boss knew what he meant by it, but boss didn't know that i knew what he meant by it. i love boss dearly. i truly do. and i have a lot of affection for him. but he is fucking insane and so dysfunctional. the way he speaks to his wife is horrifying sometimes. i yell at him when i hear him doing it, because i really don't think it's cool. but they're just like ... you know. they're just two adults living mostly separate lives that intersect only for their children. like i think when the youngest is out of the house (which probably won't happen, he's extremely spoiled and lazy), they probably won't even talk to each other anymore. they'll stay married and live in the same house and argue about money but that's all.

depressing.

i can't imagine myself ever wanting to get married. well, let me revise that. i don't think that i will ever find a partner who fits all of my extremely narrow criteria. they first and foremost have to be honest and have integrity above all else. i want to be able to have a true open relationship (in my perfect fantasy version of life, a poly relationship). i want someone who is okay with living separately. i need my own space, my own things.

THEN, if i somehow find a real actual person who is all of those things, then they also have to like me, because i'm so fucking weird. chances are not great! but it's cool. i'm in no hurry. i am genuinely okay right now exactly as i am.

yo i was writing this last night and was just blasted by sleepiness suddenly. overwhelming sleepiness, so i took a shower and went to bed.

i realized today that it's because i have my period, and was actually bleeding kind of a lot. but the magnesium!!! seriously kept my cramps away this entire week. i had one night where i had about an hour or two of them, but they weren't that bad because i was able to continue standing and doing the dishes. then last night i felt like i was going to get crampy so i took some tylenol and mag and smoked some pot and they just kind of faded out. then all day i was bleeding a lot (i usually only spot, so when it's noticeable i consider it "a lot," and "a lot" days usually come with A LOT of cramps, for a looooong time), but had hardly any pain! it's amazing and i love it.

i always mention how fucking tired i get during this menstrual ordeal, and i slept hard. but it was good, and i woke up kind of early again. i really am feeling better. i can't think of anything else that i have changed that could be causing this besides the mag. was i that severely deficient for all that time? do i need to be paying closer attention to all of my minerals? maybe i need some blood tests, i haven't had any done in a really long time. what other extremely minor adjustments can i make to my life to improve it so drastically? i need to spend more time on this.

i went on the journey today. it was like, twice as far away as boss told me yesterday, but i didn't care. i like to go places. the drive was beautiful, just off from areas i have explored all around. really wonderful old road with crumbling 200 year old stone houses. then i went along the perimeter of some nature or wildlife preserve, i didn't catch what the sign said. got the item, returned. then it was time to close.

i decided i wanted to get my cat a little window seat because my windowsills are really narrow here, and this guy absolutely LOVES sleeping in the window. he tried it in my bedroom the other day but he's KINDA chubby and i was terrified he was going to bust the screen out so i couldn't let him stay. i found one that has super high ratings and everyone seems to love but you can only affix it by either using velcro tape or screwing directly into the windowsill. i asked boss for a solution because i didn't want to fuck up the wood with holes or sticky residue. he's like, if it's going to make [cat] happy, and that'll make YOU happy, then do whatever you want, i don't care. i know he's your boy.

awwwww. <3 he really is though. this guy gets me. i'm looking over right now and my little dude is purring his little heart out, right next to me as always. his whole little cat life has been with me. i hope he is happy. and i hope this window seat makes him even happier! that, and i'm going to get him one of those hilariously realistic looking catnip fish i've been seeing all over the internet. he deserves it, he's a cool little fella.

the little things boss does for me. i appreciate them so much. for the first time, someone caring how i feel. how i FEEL.

the other night my arm and my back were aching and it made me think about boy. he always wanted me to rub his hands and his back before bed. i mean like, ALWAYS. he wanted a 45 minute fucking full body massage every night. and he would always complain that because his body was in so much pain, no amount of force that i could muster was possibly enough pressure for him to even feel that i was touching him. according to him, he was practically numb. i would be like grinding my knuckles and wrists into him and he'd tell me he couldn't feel anything, but he wouldn't even say it nicely, he had to be so fucking rude and imply that i was weak and incompetent because i couldn't do it right. then he'd be like, "ugh, you OBVIOUSLY don't even feel like doing this so just go do whatever. it's fine, nevermind." and i was like ... i'm doing this as a favor for YOU! no, i DON'T want to do this, but you asked me to! what the fuck??

heaven help me if my hands were aching from crushing and grinding my joints for an hour every night and i needed a break, and i said i couldn't because my hands hurt. he'd groan and roll his eyes like i was being soooo ridiculous. once again, YOU are asking ME to do YOU a favor and you're giving me an attitude for saying not tonight, i'm still sore from doing this every other night besides this one!??

you already know that he rubbed my back maybe, MAYBE 5 times in 8 years. and when i say this i mean, he rubbed my back and i could just lay there in a comfortable position and enjoy it maybe 5 times. maybe 15 times he agreed to rub my back only if i would give him a blowjob while he was doing it. yeah ... take a moment to imagine how you can even do that. needless to say i was contorted into some incredibly uncomfortable position and he poked his fingers and gently squeezed my shoulders a couple times but kept stopping and shaking his hands out every 2 seconds. after about 5 minutes he'd stop and say his hands hurt too much to continue.

it didn't matter if i had my period, if i was literally writhing in pain under the heating pad in bed, if i had the flu. i got an attitude if i didn't stop what i was doing to massage him as long as he wanted. if i tried to say hey, what the fuck. you NEVER reciprocate. he'd yell at me, FINE! I WON'T ASK YOU TO DO IT ANYMORE! and i would say, i don't mind doing it if you'd do it for me too! and he'd just say no, nevermind, it's fine. i don't need you to do it.

you don't need to know any more to know that i always ended up doing it again, and he never did, and nothing changed. i didn't realize at the time that the reason he would just claim that he'd never ask me again was because he just had no intention of reciprocating. he couldn't even bring himself to lie and agree to it, the way he lied that he would never ask me to rub him again. (just a fun bonus: when he did ask me to rub him again, usually days but sometimes only hours later, and i'd reply, "you said you were never going to ask me to rub you again" he'd fucking shriek fuck you, you're so fucking annoying, whatever then leave me alone and roll over and refuse to turn to face me in bed. that was one of his favorites, turning his back to me.)

this scenario played out many nights each week and was always so fucking annoying and stressful. (hmm, why in the world did i have insomnia?) but the whole point is like, how little do you care for someone that you would put them through this night after night? getting angry at them and belittling them for saying no to something you presented as optional? how little do you care to not only ignore that the person you love is in pain, but get angry with them for saying no to your "optional" request because of that pain?

it really hurts to remember his callousness. the contempt and disgust in his voice as he rebuked me for denying him. i can still feel it a little in my chest, that pain. it really sucks to realize that someone who slept in your bed, woke up next to you, kissed you and told you they loved you all the way up until the end didn't love you, in fact really didn't even like you very much at all. just kind of ... didn't really care.

boss cares. boss will spend an extra $25, maybe $50 repairing my windowsill when i move because it makes him happy to see me happy. to me, that silly little gesture feels more loving than any of the expensive gifts or dinners boy ever gave me.