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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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taking care, bananas, time.

2019-05-21 @ 9:48 p.m.

i just re-read over my last entry and was like ugh. that's what i get for not editing. i didn't want to get sucked back in so i just posted it and moved on but shouldn't have because there are so many errors and paragraphs that make no sense. i'm sorry, i'm a bum.

our handyman came to put my screen door on today (which i've been asking him to do since last JULY but he's an old man so okay, i guess). we were standing outside chatting, absolutely perfect and amazing day by the way, and he says, "so ... how did you come to work for [boss]?" and he says it so fucking weird, like i hope you don't mind me asking this. and i told him the story of how i first worked for mr. able, then when mr. able's stuff slowed down i needed a second job, so he connected me with boss, and here we are. and he's just like, "mhmm. well i couldn't understand how someone of your education level and upbringing ended up working for him. does he take care of you?"

and again, naïve me replying off the cuff said, "well he doesn't pay me much but he does a lot of things for me." and he's like "well i hope you're not offended that i asked, but when i was working on your apartment and he had me alter structure of the house so you could fit your bed in there, i thought something was fishy. it was REALLY expensive to do."

and i was like haha, okay? and he moved on to something else quickly, so i forgot about it until i was sitting around later on this evening. i am pretty sure he was trying to ask something else in a roundabout way. maybe i just read that wrong. either way, the answer is the same.

TS brought in a whole fucking crate of bananas the other day. i forget where he said one of his relatives got them, but he said they brought home THREE of them, the same size as the one he showed me! they were super ripe and he was going to throw them out and i was like wtf!? these are perfect for baking! no one else would take them because of their ripeness so i took about half the crate home. just now, i just got back from the store, buying 10 lbs of flour and sugar. hope everyone wants banana bread. a LOT of banana bread. and banana cake. and banana ice cream. and banana cupcakes. and if i still have some left, a banana monkey bread. it's a lot of fucking bananas.

i had to take boss's MIL to the dmv the other day and it was a whole ordeal. she's so old and kind of mean and spacey. boss wanted me to go with her to make sure we were clear on what she needed (long complex situation involving her husband who recently passed). i didn't understand why until i met her, and then i was like ah. i was telling my mom about it and she was like yeah, now you know how i feel with your grandmother. and i thought, oh my god.

i forget that boss and my parents are around the same age. my mother is right. because i see boss going through this too with his dad. he's still really independent and comes to work every day. he's kicking ass out there. but he's not young, and he's becoming forgetful, and i see boss getting a little frustrated sometimes. but it's scary, watching your parents age. watching someone struggle along after the person they'd been with their entire life is gone.

haha ytbe just recommended me a cooking video whose thumbnail had a dude sweating profusely while holding something that looked delicious. is it weird that i find the sweat super unappetizing? i don't know if it's supposed to be a joke or something but it was funny to me how initially interested, then immediately revolted i felt. i'm so weird about some things.

boss was being weird this evening and i laughed and said "you're so weird sometimes," and he said yeah, it's because you are rubbing off on me. YOU are very weird. and i laughed and said i know, i'm the first one to tell anyone that.

and this warm little moment of us laughing at how weird i am, and how he just genuinely likes it and me, of course made me think of boy. he didn't think my weirdness was cute, or funny. at first he said he did, but would always make comments about how awkward i was. like ... i know that and i always make people aware of it pretty quickly into meeting them. but he constantly brought it up, made me feel bad when i would just let my guard down sometimes and be silly. he would get this look of disgust on his face that made me feel like he was thinking, "ew, what the fuck is wrong with you?" he would later confirm that this was exactly what he was thinking, because he just started saying it out loud.

he loved to tell me that i was too serious and i never joked around, but then when i did, he'd make this huge thing about how weird i was being. how out of character i was acting. how corny i was. how awkward i was and how uncomfortable it made him just to be near me when i was like this.

i never knew what i was supposed to be doing, but whatever i chose was usually fucking wrong. as i thought back to how i became so terrified of people (i always was, but never so much as i was with boy), i remembered that we would be like in line at a store and we'd chitchat with the cashier and after we left he'd say "oh my god, you're so fucking weird, why do you sound like that? that lady thought you were so awkward, did you see how she was looking at you?" it made me so fucking anxious and paranoid about every single interaction i had. he did this relentlessly to both me and little A.

now, i am free in so many respects. but best of all, i can just be myself. i can make silly faces and do silly voices and not have someone tell me i look or sound "disgusting."

i know, i know he was the worst. he was like, really extra about being the worst, even. cartoonishly evil.

i am so good now. so me. so happy. so everything.

ugh, it got late fast. i remember desperately hoping and waiting for the day to be over, wanting to escape everything, then not even being able to sleep. today, i savor every last drop, feeling a little sadness at waking up and the day flying by, it's wednesday already, it was just monday. it was just saturday. and it's here again. i remember looking up at the clock in my classroom and seeing it was 9:25, 10:40, and just wanting to die. i feel like i could fit five of my current days into how long those teaching days felt at the time.

sunday and monday were really hot, so hot in fact i had to turn my AC on (i was just chillin and sweating it out, but my little dude was very uncomfortable so i turned it on for him T_T). today was perfect. crisp, sunny, breezy, no humidity. the honeysuckle will bloom in the next couple of days. i can't wait for my office to fill with that perfume. how i wish i could freeze and stretch this time out, a clear blue sky day, everything perfect and green and a night cool and comfortable and quiet, safe and secure and free. just me and my small furry friend.