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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
3 days.
2019-05-17 @ 11:06 a.m.
what a busy fucking day today! and i got literally nothing accomplished. i was texting all day with prospective tenants, sending applications, setting up tours. answering the phone. go get lunch. text me this. write a check. call this guy to get him to make a video because this person needs a video tour. upload to ytbe. call references. i had some sales and stuff to enter but i didn't get to anything. best friend and my cousin and i are also planning another get together so we were texting ideas and making plans all day too. then boss randomly decided that he wanted to drive down to the beach tonight(?) so we closed right on time and he jetted out. ER stopped me and was like chatting me up forever in the parking lot. he loves gossiping so much. several people have told me i smell great lately. i'm on this retired fragrance from b&bw. i don't even care if anyone else likes it because i fucking love it. it's so soft and sweet and feminine and sexy. this guy that i hate came and was talking to me - i thought i could slink out before he noticed me but alas. he's your typical 60s maga redneck misogynist asshole. the way he speaks about his wife is absolutely disgusting. repugnant. i don't even want to repeat the words this guy has said about her, and women in general. to a complete stranger. but he's a customer and he buys everyone lunch when he comes so everyone kind of just grits their teeth and bears it. ugh. man i have no money right now!! i super hope the apartment gets rented because i super need that bonus. i spent a little money on mother's day that i wasn't anticipating, and really shouldn't have ordered those jeans last week but they fit too well to regret. so, hopefully it happens soon and i guess i should put in a few extra hours to make it up. i'm not working saturday because i want to enjoy the spring before it's too late. i always miss the flowering phase, that super green, verdant green when the leaves are wet and new. it should rain tomorrow night and be sunny saturday, which will be perfect for me. i have some really great new albums i can't wait to cruise to, and then something cheap for dinner. and if all else fails, i always have pancake mix and frozen sausage. just in case. my new phone also takes phenomenal photos. i was doing myself a disservice by refusing to upgrade for so long because phone camera technology improved so much. it also has a wide angle lens which i have experimented with a couple of times while exploring up there and the photos are just magnificent. maybe i'll post a couple sometime. it's just so beautiful. i can't believe that i get to live here and drive around and freely enjoy this. and then in a month, i get to spend another weekend with my two best friends in the world, doing what we do best together, and then my cousin will get married, then a couple months later i will be on a tropical island in a hot tub on the roof of a penthouse overlooking the fucking ocean! i have these little flashes of desire to get revenge on that asshole, go let the air out of his tires or move his vehicle somewhere else to fuck with him, but what they say is true. the best revenge is living well. he will never know the simple joy i feel in waking up on a sunny morning and the temperature's just right. small talk with the policemen at wawa. he will never know the peace of waking up debt free and completely in control of life. he had everything he wanted, and a person who would go to absolutely any lengths possible to be and do what he wanted. and he was still not happy. he does not know what happy is. to not be living a life constructed of giant lies - whether it's the lies he's told others or the ones he tells himself. to not have to try to sleep at night knowing that at any time, the other shoe could drop. for the most part, he's been able to escape the consequences of his actions. by the skin of his teeth, but largely unscathed. but, our time must come. for all of us, it will come. i am always afraid that i will see him somewhere. we have a lot of the same places in common. since we came from the same town and spent so much time together. some places he showed me, some i showed him. i'm not going to stop going because he might be there. but i hope i never run into him. i also used to always have these little flashes of what snappy thing i would want to say to him should be bump into each other, but i honestly don't really have anything to say at all. there are no words, and he doesn't deserve mine, because i know that there is nothing there. he is an empty suit. nothing that i would ever say would ever matter, it wouldn't affect him. if i went on the offense and called him what he truly is, for a moment he would feel shame, but he'd immediately turn it outward and into a loud scene. he's one of those. no matter how used to it i was, i could never stop myself from freezing up when he started shrieking. it always reminded me of my parents' yelling. all of them, even back when my mom and my dad were still together. i was really young but i remember it. i've never been able to get used to that. i keep just having these random negative boy thought dumps but they feel so amazingly cleansing. i feel as though i am freeing up ram in my brain. i've reclaimed enough space and enough speed to get creative again. i made a big list of the projects that i intend to see through. silly little ideas for kndl books and things like that that would be fast, i just have to complete them. lots of ideas for my writing projects. sometimes the right scenery, the right weather, the right music intersect perfectly and really inspire me. i pull over and toss a couple of thoughts into evrnote and go on my way. -- ugh! i keep stopping short of ending and falling asleep. now it's friday night. i didn't have much to add after all of that, which is why i'm annoyed at myself for not wrapping it up. now i'm probably going to think of more to go on and on about -__- i was jumping out of my skin today because i was so excited for it to be over. usually boss is annoying and i have a huge list of stuff to do and he's constantly distracting me from it, but today i had nothing to do, no responses to my ads, no leads, and boss was out all day helping his son move back from college. i was like ferociously refreshing all of our emails and just waiting for the minutes to pass. my computer needed an update or something so i was trying to use goog maps and it was super slow, like i couldn't tolerate it slow. but i did download several excellent mixes to drive to. two of them were "night" themed so i'm excited to wrap up my trip with them. this will be the last saturday that i will have completely to myself for a while, i think. probably until july. i will go out this one, maybe next if i manage my budget well. then i will have to work the next few because i'm going to have a crazy time around my birthday and intend to spend a lot of money on myself. hanging out with best friend and cousin. going to visit brother and SIL, exploring and eating. i'm super excited about everything! boss said he's going to start closing saturdays (we're already closed sundays), which i'll believe when i see. i can work whenever i want to so it doesn't matter to me, but i really don't understand his strategy. one of his main complaints is that JC monopolizes his space to do work for customers, and he's relegated to the weekends to use his own place. so he's going to ... close on the weekends? like how is that supposed to give you better opportunity to use your space? i know boss also wants a chance to relax and catch up on stuff and sometimes actually hang out with his family, so if he's doing it for that i wish he would just say that. no one would fault him for that. this reason just makes no sense. -- of course i did it again. now it's sunday! haha. i'm such an ass. saturday was everything i wanted and more. the weather was perfect, perfect i tell you, and as soon as i got out of the major towns and into the farms, and the woods, it was incredible. every single road smelled like flowers. no traffic. sun. silence. just birds and wind and water on rocks. wonderful wonderful wonderful. super thankful for that day, for everything going right. and for all of the inspiration. it's like i go there and everything else in my mind shuts off, and i can get lost in my ideas. i came home and did a lot of writing last night. my cat caught the mouse yesterday! i couldn't believe it. i woke up and he was laying on a shirt that had fallen from the clothes basket, just watching me sleep. i was like "hey creepy," and he comes into bed to snuggle me as usual but just for a minute, then he wanted to go. i got up and got my stuff ready for coffee, and he's trying to get me to follow him to the bathroom, so i go because i have to pee anyway. on the way i see things in the living room are all disturbed and knocked over, and i think he must have been crazy in the night. then i see it! he proudly shows me his kill, along with random pieces of rubble from the bathroom he must have destroyed while pursuing this poor mouse. there was like a chunk of grout and some wood he managed to snap off from the door (? wtf, i know). blood everywhere. surprisingly though, he didn't dismember it, and thankfully he did not bring it to me in bed like he does with his other toys!! but i was so proud. i honestly didn't think he had it in him. he was raised indoors by humans, has never seen the outdoors one single time in his life. he's been hunting this mouse for months and after the recent chase incident, i was sure he just was going to keep playing with it if it ever emerged again. he's never really seemed to know how to cat very well. but we both underestimated him. i'm sorry little mouse, but you should have learned after the first time. what later occurred to me was that sometime around sunrise, my little hunter came in and screamed in my ear several times, and kept sitting on the headboard, tapping my shoulder, but i rolled over and told him to let me sleep, and he did. i had been brushing my teeth and wondering when this all went down, and how i can't believe i had no idea. then i realized that he tried to wake me up to show me. i'm sorry but i think this is the cutest thing ever. i know it's so silly but while i was driving around yesterday i caught myself smiling a few times thinking about it. i'm such a proud mom. haha. i became super into in this micro genre of music in the past like ... 6 months i guess? maybe a little longer. but i'm subscribed to several channels on ytbe who come out with mixes and premiere new artists and whatnot. i'm so into it i pondered starting a blog on it. anyway, this album just came out a couple weeks ago and i finally listened to it, and it's really wonderful, the whole thing is perfect. but the last song is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. you know when you hear a song and it just affects you, your whole body feels embraced by it. your brain goes somewhere else. wow. i feel like my soulmate will be the other person out there, somewhere in the world who heard that song and immediately felt the same way i did. now i'm all caught up, and now i am going to go. i have a lot of things to do and the GoT finale is tonight. i'm trying to get myself emotionally ready for the disappointment, i'm sorry to say it. i don't even want to get started talking about it. just sigh. goodbye, it's a beautiful day. |