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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
memorial day worry, but we're on the mend.
2019-05-27 @ 11:01 p.m.
now my boy seems like he is doing worse, although i know that can happen on antibiotics. maybe when i took him to the vet, this respiratory infection was in fact just "brewing" and now it has fully hit. i don't know, but tomorrow if he is not looking/sounding better i'm just going to take him straight to the ER because maybe it's not a respiratory infection at all. when i got home today he was kind of wheezy but then he perked up again and was running around, albeit at like 30% energy. i was telling my mom i know he really feels sick because i tossed a plastic bag toward him (he is obsessed with plastic) and he just kind of half-heartedly slapped it down but didn't go crazy as usual. as soon as we get up tomorrow i'm going to tell boss what's up and take him in. one of my biggest regrets in life, of all of the things i think about doing over, is how things went down with my babyboy. knowing what i know now, he wouldn't have made it anyway. whatever he had was incurable, i know that. i have gone back over it thousands upon thousands of times in my mind but now i understand that there is nothing i could have done. maybe i could have prolonged our time together a little bit, maybe a couple months, maybe another year. but it was so aggressive it was going to take him away from me. i have made my peace with the fact that it happened. but i hated how it happened. i hate that my mind wasn't completely on him. i hate that i didn't notice the symptoms until it was so far along. i hate that boy had already begun fucking me financially so i couldn't afford the best treatment for him. i hate that everyone talked me into the "wait and see what happens" when my gut told me something was wrong. i hate that i didn't listen to myself, that i didn't listen to him. i hate that my mom convinced me not to cash out my 401k for this but a few years later i had to for some stupid fucking situation that boy had gotten us into. i hate that i didn't play with him enough in the last months he was strong enough. i hate that i was so wrapped up in the drama and bullshit with boy that i can hardly remember the details of this period of time, and i never wrote about it because it was too hard. i hate that it is now lost to me, even though it was so, so hard. so now i'm not fucking around. he looks at me funny? he's going to the vet. the dr. asked me which tests do you want to run? we have 4 tiers. i was like give me the fucking cadillac. i love this weirdo. he is the single best thing boy ever brought into my life. on a different note. what a stupid day i spent at work today. i should have just worked on saturday and taken today off, but the always inaccurate weather forecast led me astray. it was only me, boss, his dad (who slept all day), and AL. JC's customers kept calling, wanting to come and pick up their stuff, but of course he didn't make them invoices and was being really difficult to get on the phone. this one dude was really nice, really polite, but he called like 4 times! he wanted his stuff back! first JC didn't answer the phone, then he called me back later and said he would tell me what to put on the invoice, then he didn't call me back so boss told me to just let the guy pay the amount JC quoted him the other day, but when JC finally called me back he was like oh no don't do that! it was actually a lot more money than i said it would be! like okay asshole, then fucking do at least a little bit of your job so someone else can do the rest of it for you. imagine you take your fucking phone to a phone repair place and you're already inconvenienced by having to go without this vital part of your daily life for a few days but it must be done. then the jackass you take it to takes days longer to fix it than necessary because he barely works and is constantly flirting with married women in the parking lot and taking other people's work before yours because they brought him a free sandwich or a pizza. then he finishes your work on friday, doesn't fucking make your invoice or call you at all to let you know it's done, then lets you go a whole 3 day holiday weekend without this thing that you need because he just doesn't give a shit. congratulations, you've just dealt with JC. if he was super busy and legit killing himself out there, it would be one thing. and he does do that for his friends and family, on boss's dime of course. but everyone else can go fuck themselves. i absolutely cannot stand that boss lets this guy be the face of his business. i was so inspired by the changes boss was making, but he seems to have once again acquiesced to "the way things are" and that's that. it makes me sad because he will always be stuck exactly where he is, always trying to fill in the hole that JC is always able to dig out just a little faster. ah well. i had a lot to say about boy, and some negative memories that came up while i was driving over the weekend (briefly, but they came), but it's late now and i have to give this guy some medicine before bed. he hates me so much for doing it but i know he knows i don't want to hurt him. he pushes my hands away with his (surprisingly strong!?) little cat arms, no claws, no biting, just a "NO, mom!" i feel like a monster but it's for his own good. -- i stopped writing this last night because when i wrote the "it's late now" sentence i looked up and realized how late it really was, and realized i needed to do that medicine asap while he was relatively chilled out and not sleeping under the bed or somewhere difficult to wrangle him. he was really having a lot of trouble breathing when he got excited (he was still trying to run and leap onto stuff but it was clearly laborious), and he fucking HATES taking the medicine so i was like fuck it, this is the moment to sneak attack. immediately he was upset and started panting from it and i was like jesus christ dude. should i just take him to the ER? should i skip this dose and have the vet give it to him in the morning (if his breathing doesn't improve)? continue trying to wrestle with him to try to get this dropper in his mouth and he starts fucking hyperventilating and then i definitely need to take him to the ER at 1am? then i used my brain and thought to google whether it was safe to mix it into food. it is, so i did. he gobbled it up. success. goodnight. today i woke up to him in bed with me. i rolled over and he snuggled right up along my legs. it was wonderful because i knew that meant he was feeling better. he had much more energy today, brought me all of his toys (once again, i'm a monster but i didn't want to play with him and exacerbate the breathing situation until i felt he was really out of the woods), ate a lot of food. even chose to eat some dry food in favor of wet food. looked out all of the windows. it was a much more normal day, and i feel at least 50% better. whew. for now, anyway. i still don't know if i'm going to take him back tomorrow or wait until after he finishes the whole bottle of medicine, but i do want him to go for a follow up. i guess i will if he's still really congested to see if they can give him a little steroid or some cat albuterol but it honestly seems to improve hour by hour. now he is sitting next to me on the couch instead of in his cage. so much better. -- i didn't post this last night because once again i got tired super early. but i'm happy i didn't this time, because i'm delighted to say that mr. chubby is doing really, really well. at 6:27am he came galloping into my room, jumped on my back and screamed in my ear and was really persistent, so i got up thinking he caught another mouse or something. nope, he just wanted food. such a good sign. then he proceeded to run around and pounce me several times, tried to play with one of his toys a couple times but got a little winded, and wanted to eat again. we're halfway through the medication now so i'm feeling confident it did the trick. i'm so so so happy! now it's time to get ready for work. <3333 |