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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
super grumpyface today.
2019-06-19 @ 8:59 p.m.
it has been raining literally all week, my hair looks like shit, i hate it. i had such an unbelievably annoying day today and it is still going on. boss is sitting across from me angrily texting and i am angrily typing this. usually i can endure the chaos over here but today we were so busy, boss was blowing up my fucking phone repeatedly for dumb shit that had to be done immediately, and then i try to carry out the task and TS and JC are out there all in my way and i'm like guys, "[one of boss's business partners] is coming right now to pick something up so i need to be able to get it out," so JC says okay, move this over here and then you'll have room. he walks away and i do it, and before i could even move TS comes over and is like naw, you can't put that there. and i'm like dude, JC literally JUST told me to do it 10 seconds ago. and he's like well, no. so i was like whatever man, when he gets here and is upset that boss told him it was going to be already ready to go, i'll let him know you said no. i really don't have time for this shit. then i was on the phone with the electric company for an hour and fucking 20 minutes getting bounced around, just to find out that the bill was so high because yet another tenant moved in and just didn't bother to put the electric service in their name. this is like ... every tenant we have. they just don't do it. every time someone moves in i say, "okay, i'm going to call and tell them to cancel the service in our name," and boss says no, give tenant time, give them a couple days. okay. then we speak with his realtor friend (who does some of our leases) and he's like yeah i told them to switch it alright. so i'm like okay, and move on. and now it's like 3-4 months later and we get this crazy fucking bill and i have to call and argue with the company about it. enough already! i told boss that i don't care if they're sitting in there with the lights out. i am doing it from now on and that's all there is to it. it's so much more time consuming and expensive and annoying to chase after people after we have already paid it for them! ER constantly tells people to come and get their stuff before it's ready. now he's started calling me like all the time to ask if something is in, if it's ready. i'm like ER, you know it is never the next day, you know it is almost always at least 2 weeks. so please, wait until either i or boss call you to let you know when it is ready. it seems that this conversation resulted in him thinking, "yes, so she says to call and ask even more now. that is what i will do." but most importantly - this is boss's department! i have no idea when something is in, when it is done. i am the last person to put my hands on it and prepare the gov stuff. again, ER knows this so i am so confused as to why he has this sudden amnesia and repeatedly asks me the same shit. today he called while the customer was standing there, and he's like yeah is the paperwork for [x] ready? and i'm like ... i've told you 100 times i have no idea, you have to ask boss. and he's like, well did you get any paperwork back today? and i said yeah, we got 3 things but none of them were for this customer. so he says, can you look it up? i said okay, what is the customer's name? i don't know (she was standing there, talking to him, i could hear her in the background). what is the stock number of their purchase? i don't know. (haha, really??) i was like ............ okay? so i don't know either. and he's like nevermind, bye. am i the asshole here? holy shit. so anyway, it was all just so irritating. then i had everyone's favorite fast casual burrito bowl place for lunch today - and before i get into that, this aside: i'm getting dressed, like physically putting my clothes on, and boss calls to say he's starving and when am i coming. i said about 10 minutes, i'm getting dressed. he's like okay hurry. so i'm trying to continue, and he calls back for some stupid shit. i continue trying to get dressed and ER asks a question like i just mentioned, and when am i coming. he's like why are you all huffy? and i was like dude i'm trying to get dressed to leave and boss called me fucking twice and now you just called. and he's like lol and continues having a conversation with me! i was like jesus christ i'm going to see you in 5 minutes if i can finish putting my clothes on! we hang up, i get into the fucking bathroom to pee, and boss calls AGAIN to ask when i'm coming. i was like OMFG IF YOU'D ALL STOP CALLING ME I COULD FINISH AND LEAVE! this was a timely thread to read, because this morning i was thinking to myself the same thing. my train of thought this morning was a little different, in that i was thinking more about all of the things i did for him, from the very beginning of the relationship. BIG things that i did for him. a few months in, i let him borrow $800 that he never paid back. then, the diet. then, he needed a place to live and had no money and awful credit, so i offered to let him move in with me since i was doing fine on money. he did, never offered to participate in paying for anything. then, little A's mom went nuts. i told him i didn't want to take care of a kid full time, and he said, "you don't really have a choice." and i just accepted that. then, i borrowed money from my grandmother for him to furnish little A's room because he was broke. he never paid that back. i asked boy to please help toward the finances because now we were three. he did for about 3 months, then just continued to tell me "i don't have it" every time i asked him for his weekly rent, even while i continued to pay for everything and take care of his child full-time. and that's just years 1-3, but you get the picture i'm painting here. but when i read this rddt post this evening, i realized that OP and i were the same. she couldn't understand why her husband didn't just leave her if he was so miserable? why keep saying everything is okay if it's not? i asked those same exact questions both while boy and i were together, and even now. the commenters said, he stays because he doesn't have to do or worry about anything. while he was out of work, OP worked her ass off and saved the day. while he's not parenting, she picks up the slack. this guy knows that as long as he stays there, he literally only has to worry about existing and everything else will be taken care of, no matter what. and my brain just made that connection that yeah, that's exactly what i had going on too. holy shit. boy was a fucking leech. i have said before that he has a pattern, but i never thought to deeply about it until now to realize that he just floats along, attaches to a girl, moves in with her (and of course all bills and everything are in her name, he just worries about his own shit), gets bored, cheats on her behind her back while telling the new person she's a "crazy bitch," gets well-established then ghosts the first girl and leaves in the night to move in with the new one, rinse and repeat. it is literally exactly what he has done in every single relationship he has told me about in his life. it's just that i was too stupid to realize that i was the next one. i wasn't special. we all thought we were. he used me because it was easy. he tortured me and laughed because he was a psychopath. it's really that simple. i'm over it mostly, it just feels good to get some of these shitty memories out because i've never told anyone. one day i'll write the rest of the story that lead to the breakdown, it was a real doozy and i've only told best friend when we were drunk on our friendaversary last year. i didn't even tell my therapist, it was so humiliating. i just feel that now, i need you to know the depths of depravity a person is capable of so you never make the same mistake. one day. but what i mean by "i'm over it" is that i am no longer trying to understand it or make sense of it or figure out "why me" because there's no grand mystery. i get it. as he loved to say, "it is what it is." and that's all it is. at first, that realization feels a little empty, but then it's kind of nice to think it was nothing personal, really. i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. i didn't mean for this to be such a negative entry today because other than this annoying fucking day, and thinking about that terrible human, everything is great. the weather for my trip this weekend is going to be perfect, and next weekend we decided to have our yearly bbq the day after my cousin's wedding so we'll all be together already. i'm so happy because we thought we weren't going to do it because my grandmother didn't want to. then we all realized we like getting together and everyone was going to miss doing it, so if she doesn't want to come, she doesn't have to and we'll leave her alone. tomorrow is another day and today is over already. i'm going to game and eat some snacks and get to bed early. i'm having the period exhaustion sleeps so i need to turn in early so i'm not rushing around in the morning. i got a new fragrance from bbw that was on super sale so i figured it was going to be weird, and i swear after 24 whole hours wearing it i still can't decide if i like it. i can't figure out what it smells like, it's definitely very unisex, very water forward. there's this weird bottom note that i can't place. it's fresh and intriguing and long lasting but do i like it? going to stop before i start up with that unfinished entry shit again. goodnight! |