| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
m-w.
2019-07-09 @ 12:07 a.m.
really quick! FINALLY got good weed this week. the past month was pretty bad. THIS shit is amazing, like i used to get. my whole body feels like it just sank into a warm blanket. ahh. especially because i started the day with HORRIBLE cramps. i almost texted boss to say i was going to come in an hour late but i need hours. i figured if i feel that bad then i'll just ... walk back home. i can do that, i'm a grownup. i said it like that because not only do i mean it in a way that i am now assertive and in charge of my life (i never used to speak up), and because i am literally a grownup, an older person who can choose what they want to do. there's no one "keeping me there." i was reading askrddt the other day and it was a thread about like, worst things that happened to you at school or something, and one of the commenters told a story about how they were begging and begging their teacher to let them go to the nurse or bathroom or something because they weren't feeling well and the teacher was being a giant dick about it despite the child obviously being in distress. this kid had some wherewithal about him and started getting up to go anyway, but the teacher blocked the door, and they ended up puking all over him which caused a chain reaction of kids puking. but it just made me think, isn't that SO fucked up? first that some people just get off on exerting their power over others, even when they know it's going to hurt them. but second that there are (were!) some people like me who can be so afraid of those people that we'll suffer, and hurt, and humiliate ourselves, even though we know they are wrong. that, and this, and the fight i had with boss the other night was over this exact same issue. i was trying to tell boss to not be that person, and he didn't feel it was my business. but i think at a time like this in my life, and in the broader picture, too, i am ready to speak up. i think it's for the greater good. i think some really scary things are happening in the world right now, man. and i think i needed to be sure of this about myself. i think i really needed to feel myself use my voice, because i think i am going to have to again some day. soon. mr. chubs is not feeling well again! he's not sick like he was last time but he seems like he's just breathing a little hard. honestly, i think he has asthma. in the past he's wheezed a few times but i thought he was just trying to warf up a hairball. and really sometimes after we've played really hard he's breathing pretty hard but i figured it's just because he's a little chunky. but that's why we're playing! he needs his workout. but he's still eating, pooping, wanting to play, everything normally. so i don't know. i had to turn down an expensive trip with best friend because i am anticipating how expensive the vet is going to be. poor poopoo. but on a lighter note, i was trying to listen to his chest to see if i could hear him wheezing but i couldn't hear anything because he was purring like crazy. haha <3 so much for real quick! i'm so annoying. anyway, i grilled so much meat on saturday. i haven't had a grill for a looooong time, i've only had a grill pan for the stovetop, and before that a g forman, so i just forgot how much i love grilled food until that chicken my brother made! i kept trying to do it since i borrowed the grill from work but i kept getting home really late (my outside light is broken), or it was raining. a gentle drizzle is one thing, but we were having torrential downpours, flooding, and an actual fucking tornado that flipped a car nearby. it's been crazy out there. so anyway it was great, going to buy my own, larger grill immediately. bulgogi and chicken satay are on the menu (different days, of course). yes. what else what else. nothing really. it's been blessedly calm the past few days. regardless of the weather on saturday there was no way i was working, and i didn't. i really needed the break from humans. i gamed, shopped a little, and grilled on saturday, then sunday i cleaned my room finally, put away my clothes, pruned my closet. i got a couple of new dresses so i got rid of two old ones. two new pairs of jeans, two donated. THAT felt great. cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the fridge. hung out with my little bud. that was the kind of quiet, productive, relaxing day that i love, and that i really needed. -- well i got good at finishing for a couple of weeks there but i did it again. i stopped writing there last night so i could go eat dinner and wash the dishes and stuff, and while i was washing a lot of crappy boy memories came up. he was such an aggressively shitty person. now, looking back, i really wish i had been more honest here and written about more of the little things he did, because i think that if i had seen it written out in words, like on a regular basis, i would have come to my senses sooner. when i'd hang out with friends and tell them some of the shit he did and said, they were like ... dude. what the fuck. so instead of being reasonable and taking their advice to gtfo, i just stopped telling anyone how he was treating me. and then after i tried to talk to my mother about it and get some advice, and she told me that not only was he probably cheating on me but i deserved it because i was "a 3x year old loser," i pretty much completely withdrew. i understand how it happened but i wish i could have those memories back. i was so stressed and out of my mind that there are a whole 2.5-3 years that are a complete and total blur to me. it's truly terrifying. in my mind, when i kind of think back over my whole life, my strongest memories kind of appear to me as a long tapestry, kind of just an impression of "that" moment that i'm focused on, and in the periphery are things that happened around the same time, or things related. but when i think back to this time ... leading up to it, i remember my first sweet baby boy getting sick. but the image is filled with scratches. noise. then, when he crashed so hard, and i had to make that decision. that still hurts my heart so much, maybe i'll leave that one there. but after that, it's like there's just a blank. like a block of gray paint covers everything up until i received that email that day, from mandy. when i was with my family the past several weekends, and once even a few months ago (christmas, maybe) my brother was asking if i remembered when boy did x, or said x. these were things that were so shitty that he and his wife went home and were like wow, that guy is a fucking asshole, but of course they didn't want to be rude and tell me that at the time. but i didn't even remember these things until my brother described them, and they were kind of big things! it's amazing what stress can do to your body, your brain. i am thankful i am still here. i went to work early today because we had to travel out to pick up some inventory, which i love. i hate getting cooped up in the office all day doing paperwork, which is increasingly what my job has become over the past year. it's cool that i have a neverending flow of stuff to do, but i like to get up, get out, walk around, drive somewhere. boss always has other people do it because they are "less important," and there are things that i do that no one else can, but i do need a break from the computer every now and then. we picked the stuff up and went back, spent a couple hours. while back, boss's dad said he was worried about his granddaughter coming home from the airport tonight at 1am in an ubr, because you never know who you'll get at that hour, and i said well i'm one of the weirdos who's up then so i'll pick her up. of course they were delighted by this and so am i, since i am delighted by money. then boss decided he wanted to drop something off far away to be resold, so he and i headed out. we just got back an hour ago, now here i am at home, chillin until it's time to head over to PHL. i'm sort of regretful now that i agreed to do this because i woke up randomly early today, and am a little tired! i guess i'll break my "no more coffee after breakfast" rule and do it just this once. it won't become a thing, i promise. now, this jackass cat seems fine. i think he has fat guy asthma. my fucking life. but i love him so much. -- damn it i did it again! well i stopped writing last night to eat, once again, then cleaned up after myself, played with mr asthma, and it was time to get ready to go again. trip was quick and easy, though, and boss told me today he was going to give me $50 for it! i was like wow that's fucking cool, that's kind of a lot for something that took me about 70 minutes total but okay. but then i realized that both he and his dad were just really happy that they didn't have to worry at all about their daughter/granddaughter getting home safely, and to them that is priceless. i'm going to have a great check this week, which is great news because i have to pay rent! when i was having all of those negative thoughts about boy the other night, i had been stressing a little because of mr asthma and that rent was due and that best friend wanted to do that trip and i didn't think i'd be able to afford it, and i thought to myself, "but everything is going to be okay," and smiled. because these are such minor worries. i have a safety net. i have backup plans. i'm no longer desperately clawing for just one day without fear. i was thinking about the situations he put me in, begging on the phone while i was at FUCKING WORK to the mortgage company to approve a loan modification. and he is out, making plans to drive my car somewhere to cheat on me while telling me he was "working late again," while i left my job i could only work a half day at so that i was home in time to get his child off the bus from school and take him to fucking practice. cashing in my change and getting lucky to find a $50 in an old birthday card so i could race to the township to get the water turned back on before little A needed to take a shower. being AT the register at the grocery store to find that my card is declined because there is a judgment against me for not paying the fucking credit card he demanded i open (in my name only of course, because he couldn't get credit in his own name) because he HAD to have a new laptop and PROMISED he'd pay it each month. i was thinking about all that and more, and how absolutely fucked up it was, and i was wondering, has he started to do it to the new one yet? how much has he fucked her life up already? how far will she let it go? i pray that he doesn't get her - or anyone, ever again - pregnant. he told me himself that in every other relationship he had been in except ours, they had been physical with each other. i pray he doesn't do it to her, too. i hope whoever it is, she can see through it. i hope she has some self-confidence and checks out of there. he said to me, many times, "we can never have a gun in the house because i'm afraid i would use it." guys, i'm poor as fuck, underpaid as hell, kinda fat, in a tiny fucking apartment, credit absolutely destroyed, but i am alive and i am a good human being and i don't ever again have to worry about that. every direction from there is up up and away. i was also thinking about how i really need to start working out again, and how i actually really did love it and crave it when i was super serious about it. i stopped because the fitter and closer to my goal i became, boy became so fucking rude. he would openly ogle other women in front of me, almost crashed his vehicle because he was rubbernecking some girl on the sidewalk, flirt with cashiers in front of me, whatever. he made some of the rudest comments about my body. i will never forget them. he had promised that he would quit smoking and i would get in shape. the problem was, i was the only one actually obligated to follow through, and even as i did he was at his cruelest to me. it was unbelievable. so he just continued smoking and i just fell off because ... what was the point? he doesn't feel that he needs to uphold his end of the bargain, he would never approve of me no matter what i looked like, and i had settled on a happy weight, so i gave up and had more energy to focus on his constant crises. the mistakes we make. anyway, didn't want to go on and on about boy but everything was sort of borne of that night i thought and washed dishes. i'm super tired already tonight. i want to game but i'm honestly exhausted. it's the period sleeps again. also, i felt today like i was getting a little sick? fuck THAT. sick in the summer? kill me first. i didn't want to go on and on in general but here we are! in 15 minutes it's thursday already! i have so much work to do tomorrow i might even go in early! i can't wait for the weekend - no rain!!! <3!
|