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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
weekend roundup - aug 16-23.
2019-08-23 @ 4:09 p.m.
i started writing this on like, last thursday or friday or something but kept being unable to finish it! so here are a bunch of pieces.
anyway, boss left early today to go spend some time with his family, which i am really happy about. i have plenty of work to do without him interrupting me every 7 seconds for some random shit. i've been looking at the same pile and to-do list all week but have only been able to cross off 3-4 things because there is just constant interruption. drop what you're doing to pick this up and take it there. make an invoice for this person because JC left early again. call so and so about whatever. go get me a hamburger. i love boss but he is not a person who is used to doing anything for himself so it's like any little thing that pops into his head he tells me, and wants me to do it immediately. it's so hard to finish tasks all the way. -- the irony. as soon as i started writing that yesterday, i was interrupted constantly until we closed. apparently JC went home early, unexpectedly, so boss went out to help everyone finish and make invoices for people. JC had never bothered to call to tell them their stuff was done, either. then, boss had already made plans to go have dinner with his family at 5:30, so he left, but he didn't pay anyone. so i ended up having to do that, then they went home leaving me alone, so then i ended up having to call the customers to come and pay and pick up their stuff and not keep me waiting (because if you are nice and tell them you'll stay open waiting for them they take it to mean, "show up anytime you like, or don't, and don't bother to let me know what you decide."). one lady was getting rude with me on the phone for telling her i was closing. she was like, aren't you the one who lives right near the store? and i said yes, and i am closing it at 7pm. i wouldn't have been such a dick about it if she hadn't called 30 times yesterday, and if i hadn't personally told her very early in the afternoon what time we were closing. anyway. not a lot has happened since the end of july. mostly work-related nonsense, so you didn't miss much. last week, through my window, i enjoyed watching JC getting yelled at by an angry customer for just shy of an hour. hung out with best friend a couple days after i wrote last. it was great, as always. we always have really good talks. i am excited about my upcoming trip but it means i haven't been able to spend a cent outside of my budget for a while. once it's over, i will have more discretionary income so best friend and i can do some more stuff. i don't know if i mentioned last time i wrote that i finally finished paying off the last of a boy-related debt. those extra dollars will now be allocated to much better purposes, plus i won't have to think about him every month when the payment reminder comes. i started today off in a pretty fucking sour mood. first of all, of course i don't want to work on a beautiful saturday, but i have to (it is rent week for me). second, the fucking landscaping guy decides to come on a saturday morning?? after not showing up for a MONTH, and is mowing right outside my window while i'm in bed. okay. it's cool because i was already fucking awake from my neighbor's fucking DOGS BARKING NONSTOP. we have all complained to her about this and she does absolutely nothing different. then, SIL texts the family that she's enjoying this place she and i have been talking about going to for the past YEAR without me. i'm like wtf? i texted my brother to confirm that they were in fact there, but he didn't reply. i considered replying in the group chat some bitchy shit like "thanks for inviting me," but i knew it would ultimately serve no purpose. the facts are that i told her months ago that this weekend was not good for me. in fact we were sitting at my mother's kitchen table and i told her that the second week of any month is no good because it's rent week. about 1 month ago, when i was planning to go out with best friend, i asked SIL if we were going to do this thing on one of the two weekends that just passed, and she replied only "lol idk." so i took that as a no and went on about my business. monday, she texted me to ask if we were on for this weekend and i said no, this was one of the weekends i had said was no good. she replied only "lol i didn't write it down," and "[brother's friend] and [friend's girlfriend] had said they were interested in coming but i haven't heard back from them," and then never mentioned it again. so seeing her text kind of upset me a little, man. an hour or so later i texted my brother just the screenshot of the monday conversation we'd had in which she told me nothing and didn't indicate in any way that she was still planning on going and said "i'm not trying to make a big thing about this because there's nothing that can be done at this point, i'm already committed to working today, but it kind of sucks that SIL never told me about this and is now like 'lol we're here without you,' just saying." he was like ... wtf? she said she never heard back from you. i said nope, what you see there is the extent to which this was discussed. he just replied "..." and i said yup. like if she just wanted to make it a date day with my brother that's cool, but at least tell me. as i may have mentioned before in here, she is terrible at planning things, so after the first time i asked her about the dates and she said nothing, he and i planned out an itinerary so when we were actually ready to go it was a stress-free experience. but ... i guess not. literally all day she has been spamming the family group chat with photos of all the fun they're having and i'm just like, yep. would have enjoyed that, thanks. whatever. i need money so i'm here making it. then i'm going to go home and snuggle with my cat and enjoy the amazing banana spice cake i made a few days ago. i made that and some oatmeal bars with fresh fruit and took some over to PM. he was super excited as always, which makes it worth it. the night i finished baking the bars i stood there in the kitchen thinking to myself, i have a compulsive need to make things. i have to have my hands busy creating something or i don't know what to do with myself. i'm either planning to make something, playing video games, or actually making something. those are my three modes. whether i'm putting words down on a page, or typing them, or cooking, or sketching, or whatever. i'm always just desperately putting things out there, these little pieces of me, hoping that they make their ways into the hearts, or the stomachs, or the eyes, or the minds, of people who will "get it," get me, i guess. it's like i'm sending my tiny little satellite out into space, looking for a signal from my people. -- welp, now here we are on tuesday. i'm doing it again! although i guess it's maybe better than not writing at all since i forget everything. the only other thing i wanted to mention the other day but didn't have time to was the situation with boss's acct. things are not good. like, at all. after i wrote about everything happening last time, acct was still trying to keep on, keep working. he was preparing things for boss, but we kept noticing little discrepancies. the balances were off by a few dollars, a few cents. a transaction was wrong, or missing. then one day about two? weeks ago, the bank balance was off by like $5,000. boss got really worried because acct was more and more often sleeping, unable to answer the phone. more and more often his wife was answering, trying to calm his clients down, trying to find their paperwork for them. i kept telling boss, this concerns me. i think you need to go over there to see him in person. boss, i don't think that you have time to keep putting this off. then last thursday, boss called looking for something and acct's wife said come over, pick up your files. boss had spoken to his two other friends who were also clients and they said yeah, she gave us our files too. to me, that was extremely worrisome. she had her and her kids (i say "kids" because they are to me - they're like 18 and 22 or something) there at the house, packing up everyone's files in boxes and just giving them out. i said boss, you have to make a plan to go see him one day during the day. it's really scary that she is suddenly giving up these files that for so long, she wouldn't allow anyone to come grab. i've mentioned before that boss is not a guy who deals with realities that he does not like, or that make him uncomfortable. so he just kind of had this denialist attitude that everything was just fine, even though when we went on thursday, acct had lost significant weight, was completely bed-bound, and was on a morphine pump. while there, boss said they chatted and acct seemed kind of out of it and would randomly drift in and out of sleep, but was in an okay mood and ate a donut and said he'd see him soon. then last night happened. boss called acct's wife looking for a file and asked if he could stop by himself to root through the basement. boss is always doing two to three things at once and is never really paying attention to you when you're talking, so when the wife said unsteadily, trying to hold it together, "i'm sorry, we won't be having anyone else over," he missed what she was really saying, but i didn't. he continued on casually that he wanted to stop by with a pizza for acct sometime and to just see how he's doing, acct's wife just said, "not well. he's not doing well, [boss]." again boss, who is entering shit into qckbooks and half paying attention, says oh well okay, let me know sometime when he's up so i can drop by and you and i can go look for those files. and finally she says, "i can't do anything for you until it's all over. and it will be, soon. very soon." i wanted to both slap boss and reach through the phone to hug this woman tight. it was so hard to listen to. this woman is losing her husband, day by day. she is watching the person she loves and has spent her life with die slowly and painfully. they give him more morphine and he sleeps, and when he's awake all he does is moan and cry out in pain. she said he has a week, maybe two. but she hopes it's sooner rather than later. -- today is just shy of one week after i started writing this entry originally. still no word from acct's wife on how he is. i hope, like you hear about sometimes, that he has a few days where he wakes up and feels okay so he can talk to everyone and maybe eat a little and not just drift into the abyss in a haze of painkillers. i mentioned when i wrote about him the first time that i really didn't like the guy at all, he was super abrasive and kind of rude. but i don't wish a painful, agonizing death on anyone unless they are a true monster, and he was far from that. i wish his wife peace, too. it all happened so fast. i can't imagine what it must be like for them. last summer they were sitting on the porch at their beach house complaining about politics. now, they are mere days away from their entire lives changing. DR is leaving for college tomorrow so the other night he and i went out and had pizza and ice cream and he got to meet my cat (he's been asking to all summer, haha), then last night i went out with his family for dinner. after i got home i called my mom and was like listen, i know we're all pretty crazy and fucked up, but this shit was chaos. i kept apologizing to the wait staff the whole time because i know what it's like to be a server and how trying our table must have been. not only were they all super difficult and complainy when it came to ordering and actually tasting the food, but they all seem like they fucking hate each other! i had been sitting next to boss's MIL and his dad, but his sister wanted me to sit down near her so i tried to get in between her and his mom but she wanted me all the way at the end of the table so she could show me stuff on her phone. for the next 90 minutes, i learned this woman's whole life story and all of the problems she's currently having in her marriage and life. hardly anyone else was talking, boss's poor mother doesn't really speak much english so she felt kind of left out, boss's wife moved to the other end of the table so her mom wasn't lonely and neither of them said a word the whole time we were there. it was like everyone collectively had this look on their face of "why are we here right now" except for boss's sister who hardly let me get a word in edgewise the whole time. i swear when i left i felt like i needed a nap. jesus christ. oh! and i almost forgot! after the food came, boss yells across the table, "yeah happy anniversary" to his wife. he told me the other day it was their 26th anniversary and he didn't get her anything or take her our last year, so he was going to this year (because she had to ask him to -__-). so after he says happy anniversary, his wife is like "yeah, when are we going out?" and he's like, "this is it. enjoy your salad." ugh, dude. just ugh. my family is wild as fuck but at least we laugh and have a good time together. boss's family seems held together only by their mutual contempt for one another. now that i know it's like this, next time DR comes home he and i can go hang out on our own, without all that nonsense. DR and i have bonded a lot over our shitty parents and shitty childhoods, and i never really "got it" until i saw them in action. it just goes to show you that you can have all the money in the world, but it really doesn't buy you happiness. it's cliche, but it's the absolute truth. on a slightly more positive note, i was in wendy's earlier getting food for boss and this damn good looking construction guy was in front of me in line, kept turning around to check me out. and last week this guy who was like 12 years younger than me tried to get my number while i was making his invoice. i'm not interested in anyone or anything but it's nice to know i'm still getting looks. -- today i'm really going to finish writing this. acct passed last night. glad he's out of pain finally. boss had texted acct's wife right before we closed last night to see how he was doing and she had just replied "soon, soon." boss was like, what does that mean? she'll call me back soon? he's waking up soon? and i was like no, i think she means it's going to be over soon. it's unbelievable to me how naive he can be sometimes, about some things, but maybe it's nice to be that blissfully unaware and in denial. in any case, she texted him in the middle of the night when it happened. one week ago he was sitting in bed eating donuts and talking taxes with boss. now, he's gone. JC is not here today so boss is out doing the physical work. it's good it worked out this way because he needs to be physical. that's how he works through whatever is going on with him. i told him again last night that i hope this reminds him to put some time into the things that really matter to him because everything can change so fast. don't leave this earth with regrets. don't think that you'll have time, because you might not. such sad news. and today it's kind of chilly and has been raining since 11pm last night. gloom all around. i'm in our office by myself, rain quietly tap tapping against the roof, gentle quiet music playing. at least i'm getting a lot done, getting through some of my really old back files (some are from 2018! eep), reconciling a lot of discrepancies. it feels good to accomplish something, actually finish something that has been on my to-do list for so long. so that's one good thing in an otherwise depressing day. okay, i'm really done now! that's everything of note that has happened. i'm going to wrap it up and hopefully write something of substance next week. there are a lot of half-formed thoughts that i'm just waiting to take shape. we'll see. love you bye! (i didn't proofread this, i'm sorry in advance) |