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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
what happens next.
2019-07-23 @ 11:43 p.m.
i watched annihilation on sunday, among other things, but it stuck with me. the themes of tragedy, pain, grief, and change - the way these things change us. on saturday i watched hereditary and that kind of got me started on the whole line of thought, then annihilation brought it all the way around. how we're kind of just victims of our place in time, and how sometimes we're given something through birth that we maybe don't want, but we have no choice in the matter; we just have to kind of see it through with what we've got. i played a game recently that was absolutely incredible, i haven't stopped thinking about it since. i really want to talk to someone about it for hours. because it sort of encompasses all of the above, but in the end has this kind of beautiful message emerge from the hopelessness and powerlessness that comes from being this tiny little individual in the vast universe. i started a big entry on it when i first finished it but it was turning into so much that i put it aside for a bit. i wanted to let it sink in a little more, and i wanted to try to edit down the entry a little because i was really going on and on. the point is, i feel like i have come to understand and articulate my little view of the meaning of life, and maybe i've got it all wrong, but that's okay. because at last i feel at peace with myself and where i'm going, wherever that may be. i will get around to fleshing all of that out, just as i will get around to explaining my strange relationship with boss, and the great, very fun story about when boy moved out. all in due time. right now, i'm sitting at work. i didn't mean to open up with that stuff and then not even talk about it, but i just didn't want to forget it. the real reason i'm writing today is because i started going back to that nearby business, thinking things had chilled since that time i was almost asked out, but now i'm back in the danger zone. i guess i should name this person, since i do see him often: PM. we've been buddy buddy again since i've been going back myself, but like two weeks ago, he gave me a treat (unprompted, i just came in and he was like ooh! i know you like [x]!), and then today he was all compliments. i'm actually really bad at reading people because i'm so socially awkward myself that i'm spending so much time worrying about if i'm weird that i can't pay attention to anything else, so i'd never really noticed anything about our interactions until that day last summer/fall(?), and then again about a month ago when i dropped off some snacks i'd made (he fully blushed, it was adorable). now recently, he's been asking a lot of questions, innocuous ones, but still fact-finding. first, it was how old am i, then it was what do i like to do, then today it was compliments on my appearance (i didn't think men usually comment on this platonically but maybe i'm wrong because i am an alien), and whether i have kids, or cats and knitting. i said obviously it's cats and knitting, i'm glad i'm so easy to read. but i feel it man, i feel it. there was another customer in there he was chatting with, but as soon as i came in he was talking to her but looking at me. all of this is just well and good, but this brings us back to where i was last time. last time i was afraid, because the wound was still so fresh, but now i am not afraid, just kind of ... i don't know. i really like him as a person and would like to chill, but ... maybe i am still afraid? not of intimacy, really, but of being "too much" for someone right out of the gate. like i was googlng for when is the right time to tell someone about your baggage, because i really don't know. there is no way i can explain to someone how i ended up where i am vs. where i was headed 10 years ago without going into it. even in just friendly conversation. it is impossible to skirt around the whole ordeal because it was so transformative for me, but also because i ended up with mr. able and boss as a direct result of it. but at the same time, who wants all of that from someone you just met? and more importantly, who wants to endure all of that just to be reminded at the end that i'm still not interested in a relationship, it's just something that you should know about me? i think what i'm really afraid of is letting him down? after all this being shy and nervous and trying to feel me out, it turns out i'm just a huge fucking bucket of coal at the end of the rainbow. and maybe i'm a little afraid of the rejection - that after all of this, and then my subsequent reveal of "hey, i'm pretty fucked up," that he might think yikes, this really isn't going to be worth it. in my mind, i keep telling myself i won't take it personally because i REALLY would understand if i were on his boat. but it would still kind of sting. i'm so torn over this and i kind of found myself stressing about it today, but now that i am home (boss interrupted me to pay a bunch of bills, then i walked home) i realize that worrying about it and feeling anxious about it is going to get me nowhere. i'm just going to go with it and let whatever happens, happen. if i'm too much, i totally get it and won't hold it against him. maybe he's married or just super friendly and i'm reading the entire situation wrong. honestly all i want from this is someone to go get food with when best friend is busy, so i'm going to go with that and we'll see. i keep wanting to ask him to that restaurant i was excited about a couple weekends ago but didn't visit, but i never do. do i tell him i'm fucking crazy up front? i can never think of how to phrase it. "hi, do you want to COMPLETELY PLATONICALLY go get food? and like my life is super fucked up so if you're not down for hearing about any of that then you have to be okay with knowing nothing about me at all." who wouldn't be pumped for a night with someone who threw that down. idk, maybe it's a great filter question. if he doesn't look like a deer in headlights after i say it then i'm one up for sure. well the silver lining here is that despite all of this, i'm not being down on myself. i mean i know the way i'm saying all of this sounds shitty but it's just my asshole sense of humor. i'm being entirely realistic. i'm not ashamed of any of it anymore. it happened, it gave me strength and wisdom. it's just a lot to carry. my parents, my childhood, the boy ordeal, my current finances, my fucked up body, and my mental illness. but it is me. i can't change the past but i'm working on changing myself. i look at myself, i love myself. there are some parts of me i'd like to change, but this is what i'm working with. i'm an extremely niche cup of tea and it's okay if not everyone loves me. not everyone wants to put in so much work. i get it. that doesn't make them bad, and it doesn't make me bad, either. we'll see! in an upcoming episode of tinea, i'd like to explore boy's lying. i was taking a shower the other night and i became furious at the memory of when i went there on that last night and he had my shit in a fucking garbage bag, hidden in his closet. like now, clearly, i know he was cheating on me and had hidden it so the new one wouldn't see it. why else go to such lengths? but better evidence is that he'd done it before, i had just forgotten about it amongst all of the other fucked up shit going on. both times, he lied easily. and then i thought, you know, there were a lot of other times that he lied easily to people, often for absolutely no reason at all, for things of no consequence. sometimes i'd call him on it, or he'd explain himself after i heard him saying it, and his reasons were usually logical so i would kind of be like, okay, i guess. for example, once he got really bad food poisoning from this pizza place we always ordered from and was out of work for two days. someone called him to check on him and he said he got food poisoning from ethiopian food. i was like ... why did you say that? and he just shrugged and said "it sounded better." okay? anyway that's it. thanks for coming, thanks for staying <3 i'm pretty excited to see what happens next. |