| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
good days.
2019-08-31 @ 4:41 p.m.
i'm at work on a beautiful, but very warm saturday. it's supposed to be warm until wednesday, at which point it will drop to like 69, then stay cool for the following week. that's wonderful, because that means i can keep my windows open while i'm on vacation instead of running the air nonstop for an empty house (well technically not empty because cat, but you know what i mean). i'll just ask someone to check on the house for me once a day. i'm writing today because i've had just such a delightful day so far. first, i look so good today. i don't know why, my hair and my face just came out looking so good today, and i'm in an outfit of items that i don't usually wear together but look really nice. i feel great about myself. i also feel great about every interaction i've had today. everyone has been so nice and in a good mood. i was stopped at the corner, waiting to turn to come here and a little girl and her mom were coming down the sidewalk. i waited for them to cross in front of me and the little girl waved with the biggest smile. it was so sweet. i waved and smiled back. then at wawa, an adorable butch girl insisted upon holding the door for me. picking up some inventory with one of our subcontractors, he introduced me to one of his friends who kissed me on the hand and told me how beautiful i am. and the other day, an old lady told me i had a cute little voice. aww :) things like that seem so silly but that's what i live for now. being kind, being friendly, being patient. being a decent human being. boy drained so much of that out of me, and i was so distracted by his constant, constant fucking drama that i never took any time to look at myself and think whether the negative, grumpy, hateful person i was being was really representative of me. i feel like i've lived an entirely different, new and better life in the two years since it's been over. two years. only two years? i even forgot about it when the date rolled around. at first i was going to celebrate my freedom and treat myself to dinner or something, but it just passed me by without a second thought. and honestly, i am kind of happy i forgot. day by day, more and more of that life slips away with the sands of time. the only reason i thought about it was because i just finished listening to an audiobook on financial abuse. i knew it was a thing, but there's not much "out there" on it. it was yet another resource that i listened to and identified with so deeply. so many of the examples given, and the firsthand accounts of victims were so close to my experiences. sometimes down to actual sentences and phrases and situations. it was the same thing with boy, and the same thing with my mother. the people who suffer from their personality disorder are so predictable, once you know the script. the trouble is, they're so insidious, so covert, that it may take years and years before you even know anything is wrong, let alone find yourself able to recognize their patterns. this is something i want to write about more in-depth because i read a rddt relationships thread the other day where a girl was explaining her situation with her bf and that's where i found out about the book. her situation was so similar to mine, and she knew something was wrong, something was off, but she didn't know that these behaviors were abusive. same girl, same. maybe tomorrow, if i find myself with some free time after making my place spotless for the cat sitter. the other reason i'm writing today is to just gush about this bathing suit i bought from amz. i have purchased a number of clothes from amz in the past 6 months, figuring worst case scenario i'd have to return them if they didn't fit, which isn't a big deal because there's a ups nearby. but everything has fit wonderfully and been of really great quality(!) which was a concern, since it's almost all from china. i was also super worried about sizing, because i am a chunky little jar of peanut butter. but i went by my measurements on everything, and it has all been great, but ESPECIALLY this bathing suit! it's a one piece racerback with a high neck and this sheer panel in front. my boobs look incredible in it, and it has like this little bow and ruching across the front so it totally smooths and covers any chub. i felt so cute in it. the bathing suit part of this vacation was kind of stressing me, but now that i found two that are super flattering, i'm so excited about it all. DR has been at college for one week now, and the first few days after he left there was all of this drama. boss is afraid of life, so he was trying to convince DR not to go, to go somewhere closer to home "in case something happens." like, what the fuck can happen that a credit card won't solve? it's not like he's overseas, he's a couple of states away. it was making me really upset, and i told boss this, that he (boss) is that selfish that he would try to convince this kid to drop out of one of the top schools in the country for his extremely technical major, and instead go to fucking rutgers. boss's mom and sister (DR's grandmother and sister respectively) had driven him to school to get settled in, and they were both also all crying and guilting him and trying to make him change his mind because they didn't "know what they were going to do without him." come on! i said to boss and boss's dad, don't take this away from him! and tell your mom and sister not to try to make him feel bad about living his life. just because you have nothing else to do, don't have any hobbies or interests and don't work, it's so wrong to make this kid who loves you and is already nervous about being away from home for the first time feel even worse about his decision. we have phones, these people are loaded. i said to boss, tell your mom to get a hotel room down there once a month and visit him if she's that lonely. let this kid go and be successful and develop his natural talents even further. then he can come back home if he wants to. so i texted him after the first couple nights he was there to see if he was okay and he said he was depressed, having second thoughts. then on ... tuesday or wednesday this week i texted him again to see how he's doing and he's like "omg it's amazing, i made some friends, it's really nice here, i love it." he was nominated to be in this cultural society as the first freshman in whatever high up position it was. he already met a few people who came from his country and speak his language. when he and i went out to dinner right before he left, i told him he would love to be around other nerdy smart people like him, just give it a chance. and he did, and he's really happy. i'm really happy too. he's a good kid and doesn't deserve to languish here like the rest of his family. alright, well that's enough for me because i've been at work for like 4 hours and have done absolutely nothing except eat, buy weed killer at the depot, and pick up inventory. i'm just feeling so good about everything that i wanted to put it out there into the world. god i remember with boy, so many days, so many fucking days i would just sit there in dread wondering when the next bad thing was going to happen. my heart would be literally racing, my hands shaking, like i would actually be lightheaded from the stress. around the time boy would call me, when he would get home, the panic started at a low simmer, and then would just steadily rise to a boil. answer the phone and what kind of mood is boy going to be in? am i going to get yelled at for no reason today? silent treatment for something i'll never know? will i be the recipient of some vicious insults because of some random shit going on in his own head? if he called me outside of the normal times he called, i would nearly have a panic attack. the car broke down again? you got another ticket? we have to come up with $3000 by tomorrow on top of all of the other bills we aren't paying? what crisis is next. what crisis will pop up while we're trying to resolve this one? he believed that life is just shit, one day after another, and then you die. that's true if you're a miserable son of a bitch. but i'm not about that life anymore. bring me the sun, bring me the trees, the earth beneath my feet. bring me all of the little butterflies and singing birds and beautiful days. the cool breeze and a little girl waving and the sway of the trees. life is only what you make of it. |