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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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that's that.

2019-09-15 @ 12:18 a.m.

the past couple of days i have done absolutely nothing but relax. i didn't need to clean since i cleaned before i left (!!) so i have just been here laying and thinking and reading and watching ytbe.

it's weird how, in those final moments before you fall asleep, these memories sometimes come back to you so suddenly, jarring you out of peaceful slumber. last night, for me, it was a moment between boss and i, THE moment, that made our relationship what it is now. i was sinking into my pillow in the darkness and it literally shook me -- my eyes flew open and my heart was racing.

i remembered it like it had just happened, and i let my mind toy with what it would have been like if i had acted differently that night. i think about it a lot, actually, and i think he does too. i wonder if it is one of the many things that spin through his head all day and night. i wonder if it hits him like a bolt of lightning in the most unlikely moments.

......... there's so much i want to say about and around this but i just can't articulate. i allude to the situation often, i know, and i never elaborate. but that's because i can't really figure out a way to explain it myself. but what i am ultimately getting at is that he is so good to me, in so many different ways, on so many different levels.

i can't really say any more without going into 20 different directions but all day today i just couldn't get it out of my head. i actually felt nervous to call him today for some reason. but he asked me a million questions as usual, of course was eating in the background, and was so proud of himself for respecting my vacation and not calling me every 5 minutes. i was proud of him too. he respected my wishes. he is a good boss, a good human.

and so am i. and that's why we are where we are right now.

and that's that.