tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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2019-09-17 @ 9:03 p.m.

i kept trying to write at work today but couldn't get it together. i started writing because it was absolutely beautiful today, like 78 and not humid and just ... feeling like fall is coming. i know it'll get really warm again every other week until halloween probably, so i'm just savoring these in-between days where it's crisp and cool and perfect. i felt so happy and good, and still do. and if i'm going to be really honest, i did kind of miss boss a little.

my brother is having this situation at work that really sucks for him, and he didn't like the job anyway, but this was kind of the thing that made him realize he needed to bail. he has always had a really poor work history, like he has switched jobs probably ... once a year for the past 10 years or so. he goes into a place super gung ho, and he's a SUPER hard worker, don't get me wrong. he is the guy who always goes above and beyond, always puts in the extra hours and effort. but like once he sees the way "things really are" in a place, and once they promise something to him but they don't deliver, he completely loses his passion for it and that one little thing will happen that makes him just peace out and leave. and he always finds another job immediately that the excels at, but it doesn't "look good."

so yesterday my mom tried to call me on her way home but i had someone in front of me and couldn't answer, so she called him instead. and she's like oh how's it going, how was your day. and he was like it was actually pretty shitty but i don't want to talk about it.* he didn't want to talk about it because as i've mentioned many times, our mother is an asshole. she constantly fucking harasses him about his job-hopping, which, i get it, you want him to settle in and be secure in a real company and shit. but these places are fucked up, and he's not happy. he always manages to take care of himself, he never asks you for money, so why do you have to always pick a fight about it? just let it go and let him live his life.

but no, she presses and presses him so he starts telling her what's going on, and as fucking expected, she started harassing him. then when he's getting upset, she starts complaining that she doesn't understand why "you're getting all pissy with ME, this is so unjustified, i can't believe you're treating your mother this way." i wish there was a way you could understand how fucking shitty my mother will speak to you, it is just unbelievably demeaning. so my brother is like wtf, i'm not being "pissy," i'm trying to explain to you that you don't understand the intricacies and politics of the situation, and i told you i didn't even want to talk about this anyway but you insisted. and he said she just kept calling him pissy and trying to make him feel bad for getting upset with her. he was like what the actual fuck, how did she become the victim in this situation?

and like ... yeah. that's her. that's a narcissist. that was boy, too. that's why i let it persist for so long - it was comfortable to me. i was used to this.

so he said that also, he had her on speaker phone and had arrived home and continued the conversation while his wife sat silently in the background. my mother didn't know she was on speaker or that SIL could hear her so she was being her real self. my brother said that at the end of the conversation, SIL was like, yo. what the fuck was that?? and he just said, yeah. that's my mom. that's what i've been trying to tell you.

i felt bad for him, truly. but i've been there, done that. the target is off of me - for a while, anyway. it really sucks but it's a little comforting that he knows what it was like for me for so long. we'll always be together in the struggle.

as i sometimes do, i searched boy this afternoon. i know i need to stop, but i just feel like the one thing i need after all of this, and the lack of closure, is to know when karma finally catches up to him. like i'm so angry and want revenge on one hand, which i know i need to work on some more. but on the other i would also be satisfied if the universe takes care of him. i looked up his address to see if he still lived there, and i discovered that he bought a house this past month. in the photos listing his old place for rent, i saw my fucking PAN on his shelf!! that mother fucker. that was one thing i really considered contacting him again for. it had been so expensive and i had finally seasoned it to perfection. i could achieve the perfect braise.

but also i saw kid's stuff, and little A's bedroom had been remodeled for a girl. i was genuinely horrified because a) i can't imagine some poor little girl being subjected to him as her image of what a man and a father should be and b) because he just threw little A away like that. when little A chose to go live with his mother again, it was like boy just decided alright, well fuck you then. next. boy always took it so personally that little A also loved his mother, and was so mean about it. yeah, she was the fucking worst, but it's his mom. i wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if he hasn't talked to him more than a handful of times since he moved out. what a terrible person.

finding out about the house purchase made me pretty mad because all of his savings and credit rebuilding were achieved by fucking me over at every turn. i only lost my home because of him. it's frustrating, but there is a little consolation in knowing that he'll fuck it up somehow. unless he went to therapy and got medicated and really changed a lot of things about his life and how he interacts with people, he will continue to repeat his familiar patterns. and even if he doesn't, and he continues to attain more material things (his only gauge for success), i ultimately know that he will never truly be happy unless he changes. there is something sick inside of a person who takes pleasure from being cruel to others.

i just pray that whoever his new victims are, that he changes or they manage to get away.

i thought about looking him up today because i was looking at photos from like 4-5 years ago last night and found one where i had been crying, and i remembered that around that time we'd be sitting together and talking or whatever and i'd look over at him out of the corner of my eye and he'd be like, literally sneering at me sometimes when i talked. he LOVED to roll his eyes at you, but i'd say something he didn't like or thought was stupid or disagreed with or whatever, and he'd roll his eyes, give me a side-eye, and sneer disgustedly. for a while, i'd be like what the fuck was that for? and he'd deny doing it even though i sat there and watched him do it, time after time. i was like, umm maybe YOU can't see the face you're making but i can. do you have some kind of problem we need to talk about? and he'd deny it and tell me i was crazy and "loved to fight" and all of that typical psychopath gaslighting shit. after a while, i stopped saying anything because it always lead to a fight, and just had to endure the person who "loved" me rolling his eyes and turning his lip in disgust when i spoke. he even did it sometimes when i was just sitting there. like he'd look over and realize, ugh, it's you.

it's the little things like that. that's how they get you, how they beat you down. a million tiny little things like that, little different interactions about different things that you have all day when you're in a long term relationship and live together. it's so hard to explain to people on the outside, to get them to understand that you're being abused, because once you start explaining something like that it sounds so fucking stupid and you start to doubt yourself. ugh, maybe i am a nag and i'm making a big deal out of nothing. and then when you get someone who does recognize that your partner is terrible and abusive, you jump to defend them! no, he's not really that bad, the relationship is perfect except for this. your guilt and shame for being duped and being so stupid to let yourself be treated this way takes over. it's all so insidious. and i'm terrified that it could happen to me again.

wow, sorry to bring down the mood so much but i had so much time over my trip to think. i had so many memories, so many thoughts about my relationships, and myself. observing my brother and his wife's interactions (he became my mother, but that's a story for another day). and then i came back and everything feels so comfortable now for me - like everything in my life. my personal development to-do list is stacking up and i'm starting to feel the internal pressure to get moving now that everything else is okay. the background noise has quieted, there are no fires to put out. there were a lot of things put on the back burner so i could recover, but now i'm in the last 6 months of my self-imposed chill period. living like a high schooler, anything goes. but i feel the itch to start checking things off the list. i can't let someone so terrible defeat me. i want to be one of those women who come back 10 times more powerful and fearsome.

this entry is crazy, i don't even know. i spent a lot of the weekend trying to figure out a way to make any of these ideas make sense but today they just tumbled out of me. i did my best.

it all kind of coalesced today especially because this week since i've been back, boss has just been so sweet. everyone has been, really. it feels good to know people love you and missed you. it feels good to have my family, as shitty as we are. it feels good to live in this little town and watch the sky change as the sun sets. to know that there are still places i can go, things i can do.