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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
crazy talk, a homecoming, a home broken.
2020-01-14 @ 10:18 p.m.
i am so wound up and annoyed after this meeting i just had with mr. able. he was trying to get me to do some absolutely crazy shit, WAY beyond my pay grade. like he is dealing with a really legit situation in which a really significant amount of money is on the line. but this situation is so legit that i actually had to call my mom for advice on it, because she is in the money industry, and she told me the exact steps that mr. able and his friend needed to go through to have a chance at getting anything back. i tell mr. able this and he's like nah. i'd rather write a threatening letter. and i'm like dude, we're talking federal case, we're talking wire fraud, we're talking real criminal charges. please go about this the right way. that conversation happened a few months ago. i didn't hear about it again until today when he called me to meet him tonight to draft a document for him. so i show up and then he starts telling me the details of this document, which sound suspiciously like the really legit situation from a few months ago. THEN, he starts telling me what he's trying to do here, and we're getting into the realm of impersonating an attorney, and i was like you know what? i'm sorry but i'm out of this one. like first and foremost, he's going about it the absolute wrong way to begin with. but secondly, i'm cool operating on the fringes of the law and everything but this whole thing is literally crazy talk. like i actually stood up and put my hands out and said, "you're being crazy right now. like actually crazy. you have more of a chance of getting away with just hiring someone to break this guy's legs than you do [with this plan]." i called my mom after i got home because i just couldn't even believe the things he is planning to do. i said you know, it took me a while but i've gotten to the point in my life when i can recognize when it is time to bail out. i like to challenge myself and everything, but this is something that could spiral out of control really quickly and i ain't about that life. i wish i could write more about this, in more detail, because it is truly insane. but i am genuinely afraid that mr. able will end up on the news for this and i don't need my random diary entry to be the smoking gun. as i was leaving, he tried to pay me and i was like, don't pay me for this. don't do this. and he was like watch, you'll see me on the news! and i'm like yeah, i hope it's not in the bad way. anyway. the day started off shitty too, really. it was really cold and damp, then my baby was delivered back to me. of course boss asked me to come in early today to do some stuff so i left a note on my door to deliver to work and they did. as soon as i saw the small box i just grabbed my coat and my keys and ran home to cry again. his pawprint and the tiny engraved box with his full name on it. he is finally back home with me. why did this have to happen. i miss him so much. it still hurts so much. so so much. my day and my life revolved around him. he was there in the morning, we had our little rituals and games. our little habits. he was always right next to me. when i moved from room to room, he was my little shadow. when i went into the bathroom to get ready in the morning, he would watch birds in the window. when i waited for my foundation to set and picked out my clothes, we'd play. then i'd go to work, sometimes come home midday to pee or whatever and he always came to see me, and walk me to the door. when i came home, he'd do his own thing for a few hours but we always ate dinner together, we always snuggled together on the couch. and now i find myself feeling so off, because it's so quiet, so lonely. no reason to open the window anymore. to open the blinds. no reason to make the bed that certain way anymore because there's no one to go sleep on that corner folded over just so. my chest hurts just writing that. he was so special and unique and so smart. i keep wishing i had asked for more time with him but i know that no amount of time would have been enough. i just keep trying to remember that i was there. i was there with him. and he purred and he knew i loved him so much. my sweet little prince. one day i won't cry and i will be able to just remember all of the good times. today i am thankful for little things. i cooked so much food on sunday, like i spent literally 8 straight hours cooking and grilling all different things. i have enough in the fridge and freezer for the next 2-3 weeks. healthy, whole foods. so an improved diet is something to look forward to. i had a particular grill in my amz cart for a long time. i put it in near the end of last summer but it was getting cold so i told myself i'd get it by the spring. i got a bunch of amz gift cards for xmas so i was sure i'd buy it for myself as a gift, but i ended up buying a bunch of other stuff i needed more first. i had like $30 left in credit and told myself that okay, once ER leaves in a few weeks and i get my first crazy check, i'll order it. i logged in to check on the price on envelopes or something stupid for boss today and saw that the grill had been marked down $40 like, overnight. THEN i saw that there was a 10% off coupon too! holy shit! so with my credit i ended up paying just over $8 out of pocket for it. very exciting! it's large enough (and has a vent!) that i can smoke stuff now too. oh lord. so i am super thankful for this because it will encourage me to cook more since i'm obsessed with grilled stuff. it's supposed to be really cold next week, close to freezing all week. i am thankful for that because i do love the winter, but also because winter still exists. (for now.) i am thankful for boss who is such a fucking mess. we were trying to pay me and figure out how much money i still owed him, but he wrote it down so fucking crazy that neither of us can figure out what is what. he's like it's cool, i'm not worried about it, it was a gift! and i'm like dude i am PRETTY SURE i still owe you $300, and that's not an insignificant amount of money for me so i am going to worry about it until it's gone. i know he doesn't even care and doesn't want me to stress over it, and i'm not, but i also want him to understand that it is a priority to me. i am thankful for my job in general because boss also brought his dog to work today so i got to spend a lot of time scratching her and snuggling with her. he says she's absolutely not a lap dog except for with me. she's not a big dog but she has to stand up on her hind legs to drape her arms over my lap while i'm at my desk. then she rests her adorable little head on the desk while i scratch her all over. i'm not a dog person really but i love her so much, and boss always says he can tell she loves me. we took to each other right away. we have a lot in common as two anxious ladies who just want to be loved. -- i stopped writing this last night because i didn't realize how late it had become and i was tired as hell since boss had asked me to come in early. he asked me again this evening to come in early tomorrow and i think this is just a trick where he's going to keep asking me more and more until i just automatically come in an hour early. joke's on you boss, i'm on to you. i know YOU just as well as you know me. today i learned that DR's parents (boss's sister and her 2nd husband) are getting divorced. boss's sister is fucking insane so i'm not surprised. that night i went to dinner with them all, she was telling me about these arguments that she and husband (who wasn't there because he works a few states away and only comes home on the weekends) were having during which she was talking crazy shit to this guy. i don't believe in calling names and saying shit out of anger to my partner. i know it happens, but i approach disagreements like they're just something to be calmly mediated. we're arguing because we both want something and most of the time we're having a hard time communicating our needs to the other person. insults and shit like that only hurt feelings and don't further either of our interests. one person is left feeling wounded and the other person feels like they should defend their shitty behavior and now we're fighting about something completely different and it just goes on and on. it's fucking stupid. so that's DR's mom. she was telling me how she was calling this guy a bitch, that she would have never married someone who was "such a little faggot," he needs to find his balls and let her know when he was off his period, just crazy fucking shit like that. "fight me you pussy," and "i don't need you." but then after she told me she said all of this, she's like "do you think i went too far?" and i was like dude ... yeah. yeah you kinda did. this tirade of verbal abuse was because husband would come home after his long work week and be kind of grumpy because of his job or the traffic or whatever, and this was unacceptable to her. come home in a good mood or fuck off, she demanded. so then he was like okay, i won't come home at all this particular weekend. but that wasn't okay with her either, and that was her reaction. another time, i don't know if i wrote about it here, a couple months ago, she was upset because DR's younger brother was grounded but got boss's son to pick him up from school so he could hang out and play video games and evade being grounded. she was fucking screaming into the phone. i have never heard someone being so insane on the phone in my life. she wasn't even making sense, she was just speaking half in english and half in their language and some words were normal and other words were randomly shrieked. and i was thinking to myself, like this poor 2nd husband. i know it takes two to tango but i can't imagine tolerating that on any kind of regular basis. it's just such a shame that now it has all come to a head. apparently it's been in the works for months, but no one outside of them knew. boss is facilitating a house purchase for them and when he found out he felt so bad like it was his fault for suggesting this one house that had caused a massive blowout between them. 2nd husband said no, this had nothing to do with you. i'm buying them a house so they'll be all set up and then i'm getting the fuck out of dodge. it sucks because DR and his brother's real dad is a massive asshole, also really abusive. 2nd husband treated them like his own children. he did everything for them, he's such a great guy. maybe he was different behind closed doors but both DR and his brother have said that they care more for their 2nd husband than their own dad. but now this. i hope 2020 is not the year of tremendous losses, although it feels like that so far. sigh. so anyway, that's my update. i'm doing a little better but i still can't talk about it. RW came by today and didn't know so he asked me how mr. chubby was doing and i had to tell him. i didn't even want to say it out loud. my sweet boy. well, now it's late tonight. until next time. <3 |