i somehow broke like 4 out of 10 of my fingernails today, which until this point were all at the perfect shape and length, so i had to cut them all REALLY short and now i can't scratch myself or pick anything up. i hate it! it even feels so weird to type. it almost feels like my fingertips feel more sensitive? than usual? it's really weird, i can't describe it. i have pretty nice natural nails that i usually keep at least as long as my fingertips, usually longer, so this newly exposed fingertip skin feels more sensitive or something, i guess? is that a thing? need to remember to take my vitamins this week so my nails grow back faster and i can have normal fingers again.

anyway, it was day 2 today, which was exciting. once again i was super super busy, and i sold a big ticket item today so i'll be getting amazing commission on top of my already doubled check this week. i have two more customers who want to come in around the end of the week, and i hope they do. i'm really excited about how much money i could make these few weeks. boss keeps talking about how he wants to close the new place and use it only as a warehouse because the operating costs are too high, so he wants to bring ER and all that stuff back to the old place. he has to babysit everyone too much and it is really stressing him out, and since he won't fire anyone he has to change his whole business structure. stupid, but his choice.

but anyway, if he brings all of that back here then i think i will become a little more aggressive when it comes to selling stuff to walk-ins. now that i'm doing BOTH ER's job and mine, i see how little he actually does every day, but how much more he makes than me. boss takes care of me really well, and i appreciate the fuck out of him for that. but it's honestly kind of fucked up, so i can't say nothing, and i'm going to stop passing my leads to ER. there are certain kinds of sales that he can't do at all, he has to call me to come over and do them for him. why does he get paid commission in situations like this, but i don't? because he's the one who talked to them for a few minutes first? fuck that.

tomorrow is already wednesday, which is wonderful. i am on budget, the candles aren't on sale anymore but i can wait, i will have an extra bonus (maybe more!) at the end of the week, boss will be repaid in full next week, and i will still have a lot of money to spare. i am feeling really good and looking forward to what's to come.

i am still really tired, i can't get used to this schedule, and i can't get used to an alarm. but i'm doing my best, i've opened on time both days so, so far so good.

i can't wait until i'm done with all of these hours so i can go on a drive. this one i'm particularly excited about, because i'm going to go meet a cat. he is beautiful and the ad said he needs a quiet, patient household and i'm as chill as it gets. he looks like a really nice boy and in honor of my little boy who i loved so much, i want to rescue another one and give him an amazing life too. he's been at the shelter for a long time so i hope he is interested in being friends with me. i have a lot of good food, warm snuggle spots, and toys. and SOMETIMES i'll let you have a little piece of my chicken nuggets.

oh, my heart. my head.

i'm not going to spend all night writing again like i did last night, as nice as that was. i was just really excited about my achievement today, and also weirdly had a really great talk with my mom on the phone right afterward. feeling positive.

last night boss and i were talking about how sometimes the people you think you know really well can turn around and fuck you out of nowhere. i was like lol, did you forget that that was my whole fucking life for 8 years? after that, i don't trust anyone anymore. then i added, "well, except for you."

i don't want him to get a big head or anything, but he's really great, and sometimes i do have to tell him.

anyway, that's it. so sleepy. bye <3

2020-02-19: weekend, reflections, uncertainty.
2020-02-08: goodnight.
2020-02-07: various items.
2020-02-05: on exhaustion and happiness.
2020-01-29: too much action.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.