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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
on exhaustion and happiness.
2020-02-05 @ 12:12 p.m.
i was doing well on the writing thing last week but this week my weird new schedule has caught up to me and i get home and have NO energy. i play video games on the couch for a couple of hours, eat, and go to bed. my sleep is extremely poor because i have really serious alarm anxiety (i don't know if this is a thing, but it's definitely a thing with me) - anytime i know that i have to wake up by an alarm i get so stressed out about what if there's a malfunction, what if i sleep through it, what if etc., that it causes me insomnia and i end up barely sleeping at all. it's been years since i've needed an alarm for my daily life (since i've designed my life in such a way that i can just wake up and go to work when i feel like it), so i didn't realize this was such a problem for me until i started these two weeks. of course i've needed an alarm for a few things throughout each year, but they were almost always one shot things that left me tired but able to sleep it off that night, so i didn't realize how severe my issue is. i feel as terrible right now as i did when i was teaching. only sleeping 3-4 hours a night (REAL sleep), getting home exhausted but still wanting to have a few minutes to myself to do something i enjoy. too tired to do anything around the house when i get home, too tired to fall asleep once i get in bed. waking up every hour to check the clock to make sure my phone is really working. waking up with a headache and an achy body every day. this brief little experiment has really demonstrated to me how important it is for me to live the way i know i need to live, because when i don't, my quality of life drops dramatically. i fucking cannot WAIT until saturday. i will get paid my second huge check and go to bed that night knowing that it's all over, finally. this experience has steeled my resolve more than ever to get my business started and follow through on it. i am just not a person who can be conventionally employed at some regular 9-5. i can't go through my life feeling like this all the time. i knew it then, but i know it for sure now. the extra money is not, and will never be, worth it to me. as poor as i am, my life is so simple and perfect and i am so happy now. the other night boss and i were talking about his sister's impending divorce, and he said "what is happy even? i don't know." and i said i definitely do. it's waking up and not dreading your day. it's having people around you that you enjoy and who treat you properly. it's not worrying all day and wishing for something better or different to come around, but to be satisfied with, and able to appreciate and find value in who you are and what you have. it's a light feeling, nothing like the feeling of being crushed by an invisible weight all the time. it's knowing that not every day will be perfect, but that some beautiful and wonderful things can still happen each day, even if they're small. my candles were delivered today, a giant box! for me, today, THAT is happy. to go home, unwrap them carefully and smell each one. and then to know that each day i will have a different and wonderful scent filling the air of my little apartment. that makes me happy, and each time i burn one i will be happy again, in that small way. because i will remember that i earned them, i earned my little home that i keep so neat and just how i like it. and no one can take any of this from me. so, i'm just keeping focused on taking it one day at a time here. today is a little less than halfway over, and then it will be thursday, one day closer to saturday. i can do it. it makes me happy too that i was able to come through for boss in this way, because he was really stressed about ER going away. he didn't think i'd be willing to cover the entirety of his shifts, but i've proven that i am always willing to be there for him in a pinch, AND that i can singlehandedly carry on all of both of our tasks. anyway. next week will be a normal week for me and then i am taking the entire weekend OFF! i need to go take a trip and clear my head, get back into my normal routine. also, visit the very handsome siamese gentleman i put an application toward last week. i am excited and anxious (in the good way! i impatiently want it here already!) for the future. perfect timing, wholesale guys just arrived to pick up a bunch of stuff so i need to go. bye! <3 |