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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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too much action.

2020-01-29 @ 8:13 p.m.

writing again tonight, because why not.

i'm so fucking tired that i come home and don't want to really do anything, so writing here is the minimum activity i can do while feeling that i was in some way productive today.

productive toward my personal goals, i mean. at work, i was so fucking productive that i had no time to do anything for myself. usually i have a lot of downtime during the day, and am able to set my own pace. i often work for the first hour (this is when i address things that are pressing for the day, usually takes about this long), then boss wants food so i go out and get that which usually takes an hour, then i go back and eat and bullshit on the internet, then i am left alone for 4 or so hours in which i alternate between work and amazon shopping/researching something i'm interested in/whatever. i don't usually have to answer the phone or deal with customers because everyone else is there and i'm not technically in that "department." (i'm not in either department, really, i am boss's assistant. he never describes me as belonging to either business.)

i am always described as doing "everything," but now i'm doing everything and more. there's just so much to do. all of my stuff, plus phones, transactions, all of this fucking filing of ancient paperwork, CLEANING the fucking place because it looks disgusting! ER complains that he's sitting there bored all day, all the fucking time. when he comes back i'm going to be like hey! next time you're bored, wipe off your fucking desk, you goddamned animal. it looks like he has sat and eaten lunch on this thing for the better part of a year and never cleaned it once. wtf, run the vacuum and pick up the huge pieces of your fucking old food on the floor! his entire bottom desk drawer is filled with empty snack bags - chips, nuts, you name it. he sits right next to the garbage can! why are you like this.

i don't have to do this shit, but i care. my problem has always been that i care too much, but i just can't in good conscience sit there all day and let this place of business look like this. everything matters so much more to brick and mortar stores because people shop online so much now. you have to do everything you can to leave a good impression and get people to come to you. it just looks unprofessional. it looks like this place doesn't have their act together. why would i spend thousands of dollars in this dump?

well, wherever i was going with this entry originally has been completely lost because my brother called me and we talked forever and he had me laughing my ass off again. i swear he is the only person who can make me get to the point of wheezing, snorting, can't breathe laughing, tears streaming down my face. i always secretly wished he would get into comedy because he has been hilarious since he was little, but he has a lot of other talents that he ended up honing in on instead. but anyway, whatever i was mad about was lost, which is kind of okay.

oh, yeah. i just glanced over it and realized i had descended into complaining when i really wanted to talk about my personal goals. one of them was to make sure that each day i did something toward my various yearly goals. even if it is a small thing, it matters. put the dishes away. clear the table after eating. throw out the junk mail. write here. do some meal planning. whatever. i have been doing really well on this. i also have been doing really well by not drinking soda! i am addicted to that shit, it's something i just can't have. i save myself for my once monthly (okay, sometimes twice) taco bell binge when i have my period, i must have a small cherry pepsi with it. but so far i have not strayed, and i am very proud of myself.

things with best friend have advanced, we're official now. we had a meeting over the phone the other day and i was really happy to hear that she sounds like she scaled back her expectations and our timeline a little bit. she's the gung go one of us and last time we met she was talking crazy money, getting a loan, going nuts right out of the gate. now i feel like our plan for this year is doable, i'm feeling less overwhelmed by the idea of everything we would have to scramble to assemble. i think i can probably even start my business up too in the meantime, especially since boss did stick to his word and cleared out a HUGE amount of inventory that's just been literally rotting away (that's what consumed the second half of my day today - entering all the invoices -__-). he freed up almost $10k and made a good connect in the process so we're both excited about it. he said he's going to go through again and sell some more tomorrow. go get it, boss. let's clean up and make some changes!

alright well now i'm tired already, but tomorrow is thursday already! can't wait to get paid on saturday, can't wait for sunday relax day. then just one more week until i'm back to my normal schedule in my normal, quiet little office.

as we were getting ready to close tonight, AL came in and was like hey, did you know RW was just laying in the parking lot? and i was like wtf? right now? and he's like yeah, i went into the back storage area and he was just laying on the floor? (imagine all of this in the most broken english you've ever heard, though.) and i was like are you joking? and he's like no, he was laying there with his eyes all crossed, i shook him because i didn't know if he died. and i was like omg!? because he was out there for probably like 15 minutes while i was tidying up and shutting things down, so how long had he been laying there? i hoped it hadn't been the whole time, it's like 40 degrees out! then AL is like uh you should probably not let him drive a car. and i'm like how am i going to stop him?? so we both went out and stood there and blocked RW from his car while we asked him questions and tried to make sure he wasn't really messed up. he's diabetic so it might have been an emergency. RW is like naw, it was probably the cheesesteak i had for lunch. i have a really sensitive stomach, this happens all the time.

oooooooookay ... so AL leaves and RW and i lock up and he seems normal but as i'm walking over to my car he starts puking in the flowerbeds near the building, then out the door of his car as he is pulling out onto a minor highway.

too much action for me, thanks. i'll take my quiet little office again, asap.