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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
weekend, reflections, uncertainty.
2020-02-19 @ 12:24 p.m.
hello, had an amazing day today. i love it cold but i can't wait for green to return to the world. i went out and felt restless during my trip. i don't know why. i think it was because i knew i had a lot to do yet, and i have a hard time truly relaxing when i know it will be time limited. the sun is setting a little later now, which is great, but it is still setting quite early so i don't have much daylight to play with yet. i felt like once i got to where i wanted to be, it was already time to turn around and head home. so i did, figuring i'd just race the sunset. i made it almost all the way back, and found myself in a familiar town, where boy and i spent so much time in high school. i drove by the diner we used to go to and get coffee and smoke after school (when you could still smoke in restaurants). that was a long time ago. it all seems like a lifetime ago now. maps started taking me down that highway, until i left that town and came up on another, when i looked up and suddenly realized, "oh! this is my grandmother's road!" so i turned off and stopped by to visit with her for about an hour. it was the perfect time between her dinner and bedtime, and i surprised the hell out of her when i poked my head around the door. we had a nice chat and she told me how pretty i turned out and how she loves my brother and i the most because she considers us her children too. when i was driving earlier, my mind started on politics and healthcare, where i tried to find a way to explain to my stepdad that i don't think that punitive policies are very constructive. i don't think they really advance anything and i don't think they improve quality of life for most people. but i'm not here to get into all of that. it's just that when i was thinking this, i was thinking about how i wish i could tell him how i was one of those "able-bodied adults" getting free healthcare, and it literally saved my life. no exaggeration, if the crisis center had told me that they couldn't see me because i had no health insurance, or if they had not charged me on a sliding scale i would not be alive writing this today. it would probably have been january 7th before anyone found my body, the day boy came to move his stuff out of my house. that was it for me. that made me think of all of those other times that i had been almost that low in my life, but i knew i had to keep going for my grandmother. she alone kept me hanging on. i've never been able to tell her that because i know it would break her heart to know how many times i felt that way. but that image of her crying over me, this woman who was more of a mother to me for my first and most important years than my own mother has ever been ... just the thought makes my heart crumble a little bit. but it's like, wow. she's still here with me. i'm so happy and lucky that she is still in this world and in my life. she's been able to see me claw my way out and she knows i'm so happy now. i used to stay for you, but this time i stayed for both of us. i'm sorry if this is everywhere but i feel like i work through so much when i go out on these trips. i get so deep into myself. i realized i'm happy to be alive. i mean, i've known that, but today i really felt it. i am so secure in the decisions i'm making, in the direction i'm going. i genuinely love and enjoy the people around me. boss always accuses me of being morbid when i say stuff about "when i die," but i'm not fetishizing or fixating on the idea of my death, i'm being realistic. it's going to happen. it could happen at any time. like these are just facts that you can't argue with. it is the only thing that every single person on this planet has in common: the moment you are born you begin the march toward your death. so now that i am able to wake up and enjoy each day, i make sure that i do something that counts (for myself). for years and years i would have these periods where i would just "float" through my days. i described it to my best friend at the time and she knew exactly what i was talking about. like you just wake up in a daze and go about school or work or whatever and it doesn't even feel like you're really there experiencing it, you're just physically going through the motions and you lose track of time and never quite know if you're awake or asleep. now i know that that's pretty fucked up and not healthy and a sign of serious depression, but that's how i spent the first ... 33 years of my life? nothing mattered then but everything matters now. now i know both the sublime pleasure of self love and human connection but also how much time i've lost. i can actually feel time now, i'm not just waiting until the next time i can sleep. it is a precious finite resource to me, like money, so i need to be thrifty, cautious, and wise with it. if i'm using it, i should be on something worthwhile to my life. i don't think it's morbid to consider that it is entirely possible that i might only have a few days left on this earth, so i should try to make each and every one worth something, whatever little it may be. honestly i think it's kind of insane that boss NEVER considers this stuff. but what do i know, anyway. -- so it's late monday night now. i wrote all of that stuff on saturday and couldn't think of a good way to end it or if i even wanted to post it at all. sometimes i come back and start on these tangents and it feels so good to dump my brain, but i read it back later and i feel like it's all so disjointed and disorganized and sometimes my thoughts don't flow logically. but it was off the cuff and honest and i stand behind it all so i guess it will stay. the only updates that i have are that i took off today to do some projects with best friend, which were unsuccessful and kind of disappointing but it was fun to be off and spending a day doing silly shit. i love her but she's just too much sometimes. like she is one of those people who just needs to be going, going, going at a million miles an hour all day. just like boss. it's funny how opposite we are in some ways. i also received a call confirming me for a date this saturday to meet a potential new little buddy. they seem pretty excited that i am interested in him, as he's been there for a while and by all accounts needs to "warm up" to people a little more. i hope that when he realizes i want to take him home and spoil the shit out of him and play all he wants that he'll come out of his shell. i miss my little baby boy every single day, but i'm excited to rescue and love another boy who really needs it. -- well now it's wednesday. i'm doing it again! i was going to finally finish and post this last night but i had a LOT of cooking to finish, and by the time i was done and had eaten, i was exhausted. i had just wanted to add that i LOVE BOSS SO MUCH, he's a GREAT GUY. but he is SO fucking annoying!!! he has always told me not to worry, he will always have a place for me to store my stuff. if he decides to rent out the new place (which he's been trying to do since a few months after we opened it, because he is terrible with money and making good decisions), we'll find a spot. okay, okay. but i keep saying, boss, i have a LOT of stuff over there. i need to know if i'm going to have an issue because i'm going to need a full size storage unit and someone to help me move it all. it is the only shit i have left in the world of my childhood and the home i had to leave. i really need to know that it will be safe and kept out of the elements. so yesterday i came back to work and he's like oh yeah, we have a tenant for the new place. the lease takes effect april 1. i was like okay, so where are we putting our shit? and he says that he actually has no idea yet, and needs to buy a new building real quick. i'm like okay!?? so he tells me to check on the prices for storage units, and for one the size that we would need (we're talking all of my shit from my house, a ton of shit from his house including appliances, some stuff from his dad's house, and the entire contents of our 3000 sq ft warehouse/store), it's like $500 a month. he decides that "that's a mortgage payment!" and now must find a new building to buy just for the purposes of storage. he has also decided that to avoid paying income taxes on the new place (to get this tenant in there he also had to sell "half" of the building to the guy who found the tenant), he is going to buy his former business partner's building around the corner, but we can't use it because there's already a tenant in there too. i was like boss, wtf are you doing with your life. all of this was supposed to help you be less stressed out, to have everything in one place and have fewer sets of bills, but you're just exploding the situation into smaller more scattered pieces! omg. omfg! why is he like this!! i guess it was a good thing that best friend sniped my time this year to work on her business because boss is really fucking me up. i hate uncertainty, and i hate doing things at the last minute. so now i'm going to feel anxious about some of this stuff until we are settled. i really don't want to have to move it multiple times, and i really just want an office so i can work on my own shit when i get a few minutes. sigh. anyway, that's really it, that's really the end. hopefully all of this will be neatly resolved and won't turn into a big deal but we'll see. wish me luck. <3 |