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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

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goodnight.

2020-02-08 @ 8:16 p.m.

i just got home.

i got out of work, went to get gas because i was in the danger zone, then realized that i needed to go to the store to get some cream for my coffee (grabbed some ice cream too because i deserve it). did all that, then came inside and realized i have NO food here. i stood inside for a moment, then sat down on the couch still in my coat and everything to decide what i was going to go get. i have eaten so much fast food this week i am literally sick of food. like i realized i actually don't want to eat anything at all.

once i came to that realization, it's like my body just spontaneously began to decompress. all of my muscles relaxed. my brain just said, "it's over, it's done, you can rest," and i did. suddenly my work clothes felt like they weighed 1000 pounds, and as i shed each garment i felt lighter and lighter until i just floated in here in the living room and settled into the couch.

i don't even have the energy to play video games. i was in the middle of a huge quest last night but i can't even bear to exert the energy for it today.

i've mentioned before the guy i hate, K, one of boss's friends. he came in today and asked how things were going, and i said well, but i fucking hate it. and he's like why?? i was just telling boss that he needs to replace ER with you over here because you actually know how to talk to people. you have a pleasant attitude, you speak nicely to people. and i'm like yeah that's cool, but i fucking HATE dealing with customers, man. i have a finite amount of energy for that kind of thing and it was sapped about a week ago. he said he gets it, because he hates customers too, but he gets them in short bursts so it's not as bad.

not too long before this exchange, one of our vendors came over and said essentially the same thing, but he was saying that ER is just ... a terrible face of the business. he said all the same things that K did, and some more about how some people are just distrustful of foreign people. it sucks, but it's the truth. some people come in, see ER and hear him talk, and are immediately turned off of the business. like i know that it just be like that sometimes but the problem is compounded by the fact that ER has no fucking customer service skills whatsover. he has no concept of "professional," and is aggressively unwilling to learn any different methods. he knows everything, nobody can tell him anything, and he just refuses to do some parts of his job because he doesn't feel like learning how to do them.

it's incredibly frustrating and even more so listening to boss having a fucking emotional crisis every single fucking week because his businesses are doing so badly and he has no money. like come on, guy. you know this is a problem, everyone is telling you it's a problem. you still have issues, so why don't you TRY to address your one biggest problem?

i now realize how fucking annoying i must have been to everyone in my life when i was with boy. because i would tell them sometimes about the terrible things he said and did, how little he seemed to give a shit about me or little A. how i felt like a single mother, struggling in my own home with someone else's kid because that someone else didn't feel he needed to contribute financially despite promising to do so, and he was never home and when he was, he never wanted to spend time with his kid despite telling everyone, including his kid, that he was the best dad ever and ONLY wanted to spend time with his kid.

i told them all of these things and more, and i was just like, man, what do i do? how can i make things better? and everyone said, have you ever thought that maybe the guy is the problem? and i would always just brush it off and say no, surely it can't be! he's just tired. he needs anger management. he had a bad childhood. so many excuses made and time wasted on a situation that was never going to get better, no matter how much i fantasized that it would. but looking back now, the way my brain was working at that time ... it's scary. it's scary what fear of change, fear of making a mistake, fear of disapproval can cause you to do. what it can cause you to do to yourself.

in conclusion, seeing "all alarms are off" on my phone just now made my heart flutter in my chest. so much money in my account. relaxed body. no more being "on." now, everything is good.