| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
relaxing, no worries, and a rhetorical question.
2019-05-06 @ 10:31 p.m.
i took this entire weekend off and did absolutely nothing and it was really amazing. refreshing. i feel re-energized by it. i love going exploring and stuff but i get up with an alarm, i get all dressed up, i wear a bra. i'm out all day. it's been a long time since i've had two straight days of not doing any of that. i need to do it more often. on saturday, it was miserable in the morning so i was glad i had decided to stay in (and SLEEP in!). the sun came out in the early afternoon, though, which made me kind of want to go out, but i said to myself, no. you need this. so i got comfy on the couch and had myself a suuuuuuper chillaxed day. my little buddy snuggled up next to me and slept all day. i think he was really happy i was home with him. he's a very needy cat who follows me absolutely everywhere. if i get home late from work he's sitting like a gargoyle in the window, waiting and watching for me. if i leave for the weekend, i feel so guilty! as soon as he hears my car pull up in the driveway i can hear him screaming through the door. so we had a great day of doing absolutely nothing together. we were just liquids on the couch. got up to eat and pee but that's it. i went to bed and had the best sleep ever, knowing the next morning i would wake up and also have nothing to do! woooo! once again, amazing rest. woke up and felt so rested and relaxed knowing i still had a whole day ahead of me, completely to myself. so i cleaned everything. cooked a lot. it rained all day yesterday but the temperature was perfect so i opened the two front windows in the living room. the sound of the rain and the breeze was just fantastic. at one point i went into the bathroom and when i came out, my cat was on his little cat tower all stretched out, his leg casually dangling over the side. when he noticed me, he just gave me this dreamy look. within 10 minutes or so, he was dead asleep. it made me so happy to see him like that. the first 6, maybe even 8 months that we lived here, he was so scared. he didn't purr for months. then it was like one day, he just realized that everything was okay and went back to his happy little self. now that everything has been okay for a while, you know, i'm never home, or it's not great weather, or whatever is happening. maybe i want to watch a movie and i want the windows closed. what i'm getting at is that it was one of a few fleeting times he's had the whole outdoors open to him since we've moved in here. and he was just there, in his little cat glory, basking in the sound of the rain, and the open air, and the birds in the bushes. it made me so happy, just that little thing. to see him so happy and content and relaxed. he's super easy-going but also super anxious, just like me, so i felt especially on his wavelength. we were both just living in this perfect moment with no worries at all in the world. it was a really good weekend. today, i went in to work and had a super busy day from start to finish, which was quite late. JC fucking left early again, so boss was running around all day trying to pick up his slack. he also randomly had one of his friends stop by who wanted to make a large purchase, and of course the friend said boss would hook the guy up (because they're all from the same country, and as boss has explained, it's just what you do). so boss was like running back and forth between the new and old places for nearly the whole afternoon and well after we had closed. after they left he said he really was kind of getting annoyed by the whole ordeal but the friend does work in philly for us so we don't have to go there, and he didn't want to jeopardize the relationship. i get it. sometimes you make concessions for convenience. later in the evening he was making fun of me for "slumming it" and getting my weed from TS these days. he was like why don't you get it from your brother instead of dealing with someone like TS? he's such a loser. and i was like yeah but he works here, and - i will admit it's a selfish thing to say, but - by getting it from him i assume absolutely none of the risk. i don't even have to leave the office. no one knows my name or my face. why jeopardize such a good setup for "principle"? and furthermore, TS isn't a great guy but he's no JC. TS is just a sad, old, lonely alcoholic with anger problems. he's a generally nice guy (even though he loves to talk shit on everyone but don't we all, really) and harmless. so that's my concession for convenience. he understood that. during my busy ass day today i was looking out the window and the sun was shining through the trees behind this abandoned house behind us. the leaves were still wet from all of the rain and the greens were so vibrant, alight with sun. it was so bright, like a reflection off of glass. hardly any humidity, just a crisp moist scent in the air. the flowers are starting to open up and become so fragrant. the best moments are those little bursts of perfume blowing through my open windows. i was sitting there thinking, i absolutely love my job. can you fucking believe it? like in the span of just a few years my entire life has changed and become the complete, polar opposite of what it used to be. all of my relationships were shit. i was so lonely. i hated my body, i hated myself as a person. i hated my job so, so deeply and legitimately wondered to myself, on multiple occasions, when i would finally snap and kill myself. and later would come boy. it was all so bad. so much bad in every department. now i'm so old, but i wake up and just feel so completely at peace. finally. i love my job. i love it love it. there are some things i hate doing there but overall it is a legitimate source of joy in my life. i am always learning new things. i am always meeting new people. i have this amazing new family. but MY family is the best it's ever been, right now. so i am thankful for these good moments when we have them. i know it will never be normal so i can at least put in my effort to make it good. so as i looked out the window i thought, "i am my cat right now." so relaxed and unafraid and just feeling like ... yes. everything is alright. -- for some reason i never pressed done on that yesterday, so here it is on tuesday night. but now it's 11:17. boss and i worked really late again today, which is cool because my last couple of weeks i went in late a few days and we left actually on time. checks were meh, but i'm within my budget. this just means i can't order a bunch more stuff from amz for another couple of weeks. i'll survive. it was beautiful and about 82 today, crystal clear sky, low humidity. now, randomly, it's pouring rain. earlier today boss said he had a headache but didn't know why, and i said it's going to rain. his headaches predict rain like clockwork. the forecast didn't mention any rain at all today but sure enough, he knew about this little passing shower. bodies are interesting. i love the sound of this heavy rain! i hope it rains all night like this. the fan that i bought a couple weeks ago is going to save me so much on my electric bill this year. it was extremely warm in here when i got home, and if i get up and go into the doorways it's pretty warm still, but for the most part this fan is amazing if i'm seated in the main part of the room. i have it on high and feel like i need to go get a sweatshirt from the closet! we haven't had a super humid day yet (THANK GOODNESS, it was already summer this time last year) so i'm really interested to see how it combats it. but so far, so good. oh! and i used the oven for an hour earlier. good shit. i think i'm going to go eat way too many oreos and get ready for bed early. i'm feeling really exhausted still so my uterus is probably getting ready to do something. before boss and i left tonight, we were talking as we do. he's told me in the past that his wife gets checks in the mail for whatever reason and she'll just not deposit them. they'll be cleaning out the house and 6 months later he'll find a check for like $109 here, $68 there. then he told me today that his insurance broker finally just cashed a check we sent them in january. i said wow, i wish that at any point in my life i could afford to just not care about receiving money. he said, weren't you making a lot of money when you were teaching? and i said yeah, but i was so fucking depressed i spent it like water on food and alcohol. several times a week i'd go out with my coworkers and we'd blow $200+ EACH on food and booze. but it was like this little blip of momentary happiness in what at the time seemed like an endless landscape of despair. because i was blowing so much money on nonsense, i had high minimum payments on my credit cards and some debt. it wasn't much at first, but i had it and was just hanging on. then my mother pressured me into buying that house when i wasn't ready, and i caved in and did it. suddenly i had all of these homeowner expenses, and a mortgage, AND debt that i was actively adding to. and then boy happened. and we don't even need to talk about that again. so boss said, "you don't strike me as someone easily pressured to do anything." and i said you're right. but she's my mother. and she told me that if i didn't agree to buy a house now, she wouldn't help me when the time came that i did want to buy one. like, not just help me pay for it, but she said she would refuse to participate at all in the process. boss just sat there silent for a moment, then said, "why is she like that?" i just laughed. yep. why indeed. tomorrow is wednesday, my dudes. nice mother's day bbq planned, then a work week, then a weekend that i will go out and explore. not a worry in the world, not a cloud on my horizon. |