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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
just the beginning.
2019-12-06 @ 3:17 p.m.
tomorrow i am taking a truly quiet day to myself to cruise, meditate, and reflect. i am really so happy now. we moved my grandmother to assisted living because as i've mentioned before, she's now almost 100 (!!) years old - bless her heart, and i mean that, truly - and can't live on her own anymore. we feared it was going to be a big deal, and she was going to hate it, and there were some tough conversations and tears had but there was no other option. how do you leave the home you built with your husband longer ago than the lives of the people now making your care decisions? but she's tough, she has always been tough. and she moved and she loves it. it's like she came back to life suddenly. her neighbor is a man she worked with years and years ago, and she started caring about her outfits and her hair and making sure she takes her purse to the dining room "because all the ladies bring their purses." my little heart. i love her so much. when i saw her over thanksgiving, a few days before the move, she was a little sad about it but i told her it would be cool. i said i didn't want to leave my house either, but it really turned out to be for the best in the end. plus, now she's like 30 minutes away from me so it'll be a lot easier to visit more often. she is happy and everything will be okay. i was listening to narrated rddt threads the other day and a person was talking about how they used to be racist and kind of overlooked by women in particular and society in general, and so they decided to get themselves a sort of mail order bride because, essentially, they didn't think they could do better and this woman from a 3rd world country would see him and his modest american life as amazing in comparison to what she came from. she did, and he married her, and they had a lot of kids together and they are all super happy. he said that this woman's love for him, and the way she treats him and his children, and his children's love for him, melted all of the racism away from his heart. he was saying he didn't know what happened or when it happened, but those beliefs just fell away and he loves his little mixed race kids and has black and hispanic friends now, too. i think something that a lot of these people have in common is loneliness, and lack of love in their lives. there is no feeling like being truly loved, not counting the love of your parents/immediate family. it's a different feeling when someone you don't know, who has no relation to or responsibility toward you, chooses you. chooses you to be their friend, their companion, their lover, whatever. there is so much anger behind hate and racism. i think that in some cases, when these empty spots are filled, when people feel chosen and listened to, it can really change them. it really changed ME, anyway. i wasn't racist or hateful toward others but i was certainly an angry and hopeless lost soul before my new family adopted me. every day was just another to be survived, nothing more. nothing was beautiful or worth it. but now. ah, but now. it's raining gently outside but i'm warm in my office. soon to go home to my little guy. boss will be back shortly, someone who always looks out for me. someone who cares about me and seeks to understand me, and who always does little nice things for me and never asks anything in return. love and safety and security can do a lot for the spirit. i am so thankful for this time in the sun, however long it may last. we're wrapping up and getting ready to leave soon, so i need to cut this short before i have another entry that could have been. i just feel so at peace, so warm and happy as the winter comes through this year. every wrinkle is slowly being smoothed out of my life, and i'm going into 2020 fresh and motivated and so ready to make some of my plans and dreams into reality. at 36.5 years old, somehow, this is just the beginning. |