tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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coming alive in little spaces.

2019-12-11 @ 2:43 p.m.

woke up to snow today and it was beautiful. now the sun is fully out and has melted the snow by now, but it's that damp, bitter cold but perfectly sunny kind of winter day that i absolutely live for.

we have some inspections at our properties this friday, so last night i spent an hour or so just dusting and vacuuming and putting away stuff that was laying around in my own unit. i remember the last time we had to do them, there were some really trashy people living where i live now, and the fire chief actually said to boss, "i can't believe you are letting this go on here." like the conditions in the unit were horrifying. i remember when they finally moved out and i was able to go in to do my measurements and whatnot, both boss and i were like holy shit. holes in the walls, filth covering the walls and floor, floor torn up, bedbugs, bathroom sink ripped from the wall (!!?), toilet broken, tub was fucking disgustingly dirty (so much so that it had to be replaced), cabinet doors ripped off in the kitchen, windows cracked, screens torn out. thousands of dollars worth of damage. i'm excited for them to come in a few days to see the drastic difference. i'm so proud of my little space.

last night my mom called me a couple of times to discuss my grandmother (because i can't call her yet, there is some issue with installing her phone line) and christmas. for the past like ... 50 years the family has been gathering at my grandmother's house for every occasion, but since she's now living at the home (i don't know a better word for it that doesn't sound so sterile ... "facility"? ew), no one knew what we were going to do. we suggested, since her house isn't cleaned out or sold yet, to have it there one last time and my mom asked if she wanted to come. my grandmother said no, she's happy and likes it at her new home, and they're having a christmas party anyway so she doesn't need to come. my mom said when she was leaving last night, after putting up my grandmother's curtains, that my grandmother GOT UP from her chair and WALKED my mother to the door, without her walker or anything! my mom was like what is going on here!??

it's like my grandmother has seriously come alive again. i want to cry i'm so happy. i kept saying to my mom, i think that all these years she was just lonely. as you get older and older, all of your friends and family start to die, and your body isn't cooperating like you're used to, so it becomes easy to just hide in your house and wait for someone to come see you. but now she's around all of these people at her age, her level of ability, in a safe, clean place where she is independent but there is always help available at the end of the hall. i think she feels so good to feel independent and capable and social again. just like me, she needed this change, as difficult and scary as it was. i'm so, so happy and excited for her.

that seemed like kind of a weird transition between subjects, but when i wrote "i'm so proud of my little space," it made me think of my grandmother, who is so proud of hers too. my mom, stepdad, and aunt took a lot of time to go to her "apartment," paint it and decorate it and make it cozy and hers. my mom says that every time she visits, my grandmother is so excited to tell her that everyone loves her room the most because it is decorated and set up so nicely. i feel the same way about my new life, granny. i love you so much. life is beautiful.

that sad feeling i felt a few months ago comes back over me sometimes - this is the last year i'll spend christmas at the house i grew up in, spent most of my childhood. the next few years are the last i will travel "home" down those winding country roads. and while it does create kind of a knot in my stomach to think about it, i know that you can't go home again. nothing ever stays the same. and sometimes that can be a really good thing.

i got to that point yesterday, then boss came back in with a ton of work for me to do.

anyway, between then and now, i talked to my grandmother (who sounds so happy!) and she was SO excited that my brother and i are going to visit this coming week. and i am too. my brother called me this morning and we made the plan for just the two of us (because SIL has to work), then the week after we'll all go up together for christmas, maybe with our cousins too.

everything is good!