| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
in pieces.
2020-01-06 @ 8:40 p.m.
i want to thank you again for the notes. i wanted to say more but i am having so much trouble articulating. i feel like i am in slow motion, walking through water, and i just can't even function right now. it's so hard coming home to this place completely empty and silent. you know the habits you develop when you live with ... anyone, really. little things you do without thinking anymore, but you only do them because of them. every time i open my front door, i make sure to keep my broken screen door in hand so i can close it quickly so my little guy doesn't dash out. but ... there's no one here waiting for me when i get home, no one looking out the window for me. i only started to pull the blinds up because of him, because he loved to look out the window, and would silent meow me when he saw my car pull up. now when i pull up in the driveway, my heart gets to break twice when i see no one waiting for me, and close the door too quickly for no reason. it's so hard. i was alone before, but it was okay, because i wasn't really alone, it was the two of us, who had been through so much together. my fucking chest hurts even typing this right now. every time i catch myself despairing, and wondering why this had to happen, i try to turn my thoughts to what i am thankful for. i am so thankful that it happened while i was here, so i could be with him, and he wasn't in pain for too long. i could have been at work, or gone for the weekend, and come home to find him. i can't even let my brain think of that, so it was a blessing to have been able to hold him in my arms and feel that weak purr against my heart. i was so afraid he was scared, and hurting, but i was there. i am thankful for boss, who, without asking any questions, answered the phone from the nurse who called for me because i was obviously hysterical and couldn't even speak, and gave her his credit card and paid the nearly $600 hospital bill. and who called me every day over the weekend to make sure i was okay, and to ask me if i needed food or anything. and then today, he told me he and his dad had intended to give me $500 for christmas, so he still would and i could decide when/how to pay him back. he is such a good human being and i can't say enough how fortunate i am to have met him. and i am thankful that my life and my mental health are in such a place that i am stronger now and know how to care for myself and get through this. when babyboy passed, it was after months and months of pain and vet visits and medication and suffering. i held on so hard for so long because it was when the shit with boy was at its worst, and i was barely speaking with my mother, and my brother had just moved 4 states away. i knew when i lost him, i had lost everything. that was the beginning of a deep depression that lasted probably six months, at which point boy told me i was being annoying and needed to get over it already, and he didn't care if i was ready or not, he was getting a new cat and it would be HIS cat. that cat ended up being mr. chubby. sometimes, the worst things in life turn into something beautiful, we just can't see it at the time. i know this well. so while right now, i feel like i am just falling apart, i know that all that lives will die, and while i miss him beyond words, and i am so lonely and sad right now, it won't always be this way. i've said before that i am extremely spiritual, but not religious. maybe that makes me interpret things weirdly, but i believe the evidence of my eyes and ears and that is all i can say. when we lost our first cat ever, that night i saw my first ever shooting star. never saw another one for probably 10 years. in the moment i saw it, i felt in my soul that it was my boy telling me he made it back to wherever we all go. that he was still out there. 6 or so months later our vet called to ask if we were ready to adopt again, because a box of kittens had been dropped off on their doorstep overnight. when we went to see them, one of them came up and chose us very much in the same way our first cat had. it was uncanny. we all knew that he was the one. when i lost babyboy, the next morning i felt him snuggled next to me in bed. it felt so real. maybe i was dreaming, i don't know. but what i do know is that i had this overwhelming feeling that somehow his spirit was reaching out to me. so now, i know i have to feel these feelings, but i also know that he is out there, somewhere. i know i will see him again, somehow. it's so hard right now but it comforts me a little. the last photo i have of him is the two of us on new year's eve. he was snuggled up on my chest while we waited for the ball to drop. the moment i went to take the picture, he started cleaning his foot so it's all blurry, his tongue is out, he's got a little chicken foot, and i'm making a weird face at him. as a picture, it's terrible, but i love how representative of our relationship it is. it makes me smile whenever i look at it. i have an appointment with a pet loss grief counselor on thursday, i think, so i'm going to do that. i already know i need to occupy myself so i'm not just laying on the couch bawling my eyes out all night as soon as i get home. i wish i hadn't spent our last night together cleaning instead of playing, especially now because there's nothing left to clean so i can't do that. i'll find something else to do, something to organize or sort i guess. and i do have a lot of menu planning to do so i'll try to get lost in the internet. this entry is a mess, i'm sorry if it reads like shit or there are typos but i have been crying so much i am getting really bad headaches and i don't want to go back up there and start crying again. thank you yet again for the notes, really. i've written before about how some people aren't pet people and they just don't "get" it and think you're being stupid because it's just a cat, whatever get another one. i really appreciate that you understand how much he meant to me. he was such a good little boy. some cats are assholes but he was just so sweet. both him and babyboy were such sweet, gentle boys. i guess i'm going to go do the dishes now. |