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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
a bad start to this decade.
2020-01-03 @ 4:11 p.m.
yesterday i started writing at work, a delightful entry about how happy i am and how everything is going great. i needed to clean when i got home from work last night so i figured i'd finish it up today. how quickly things change. this morning my brother called and the phone woke me and mr. chubby. it was too early so i rolled over to go back to sleep. mr. chubby tried to get me to get up with him but i wasn't ready, so i told him 15 more minutes. 15 minutes later i am awoken by the sound of mr. chubby crying, clearly in distress. he hobbles into the room, walking really weirdly, and panting. he was fine literally 15 minutes before, so what happened? did he fall down? did he eat something weird? eating something was extremely unlikely because i just cleaned and vacuumed everything last night so there was nothing on the floor, including toys. i jumped out of bed and started getting dressed to take him to the ER vet. while i was in the bathroom, he continued crying and tried to come out of my room to see me but couldn't move his right leg at all to walk. i called boss and asked him if he could front whatever money this would be, because i knew it would be a lot. he said of course and we dashed out of the house and to the vet. i got there and filled out the paperwork and they took him right in because they could tell he was in severe distress. he was put on oxygen and relaxed somewhat, and i was left to wait about 20 minutes, panicking until the triage nurse came out to bring me back to an exam room. they said they did tests and took his heart rate and listened to his chest and determined that it was most likely undiagnosed heart disease. sometimes the heart becomes diseased and enlarged and will fill with clots, which can break off and cause a stroke or will travel to the limbs and cause paralysis. he said it's not uncommon and pops up surprisingly like this, in otherwise normal-looking cats and dogs, just like in people. when it does, and presents like this, they're pretty much too far gone. i had the option of submitting him to all kinds of tests and an EKG and putting him on steroids and medications to dissolve the clot(s), and then he'd have to do months of therapy for his paralyzed leg, and on top of that it would almost certainly reoccur. or, i could just let him go peacefully while he was in relatively little pain and discomfort. when they brought him in to me he laid on the table in front of me and i kissed his tiny little head and told him i loved him so many times. he kept pulling himself close to me until he was in my arms, his chin on my elbow, so i just picked him up and held him close to me, and finally after a rough morning, he managed a weak purr for me. so, at about 11:30am today i had to say goodbye to the little boy i love more than anything in this world. he fell asleep in my arms, against my chest, like he has done so many other times. but this was the last time. i am beyond devastated, i honestly wonder if i'm in shock. i keep hoping that i'm still asleep and will wake up from this terrible dream. i loved him so much, and spoiled him so, so much. he did have the best life and he was the best buddy i could have ever asked for. i had so many regrets around what happened with babyboy years ago, so i always put mr. chubby first and never passed opportunities to play with him or sleep with him or let him interrupt me when he wanted to snuggle. my only regret is that i didn't let him snuggle me this morning, that i missed our last morning routine together. it all just happened so fast. when people say, practice mindfulness, be present, live in the moment, it's sage advice. i'm so thankful that therapy taught me this ultimate life lesson, because our last three years together, while i was healthy, were so wonderful and full of love and i remember it all. i was able to be a good cat mom to him, and hopefully he knew. i think he knew. less than 24 hours ago i was writing about how beautiful and bright life is, but today it seems pretty dark. it was just so fast. normal day to coming home, alone, to my silent apartment, where there is no one to greet me. he was so sweet and so, so smart. he deserved to live to be a grumpy old man. my heart is in pieces but i did the right thing. i couldn't make him stay, in pain, just for me. i just can't stop crying. i wish i could have brought him home for it, instead of having to be in that strange place. i wish we could have had one more night together with his favorite food and a nap on the couch. i wish somehow i could have known. i wish i didn't have to write this entry in the first place, but such is life, i guess. ... i don't know what else to say. |