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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
thanks for the memories.
2020-01-07 @ 8:42 p.m.
last night i went to go make a bowl of cereal and when i took the bowl out of the cabinet, it clinked against the others and i smiled to myself knowing that any second i'd hear that quick little trot of feet coming for dinner. but after a few seconds i didn't hear anything, so i turned toward the doorway, wondering where he was .... oh. oh. moments like those are brutal. i know eventually they'll hurt less and less but fuck. what a stab in the heart. at lunch, boss asked how i was doing, and i said "still shitty." he said "i bet the mornings are the worst for you. you miss your morning farts." back before i found the right food for mr. chubby, he would get really relaxed when we were snuggling and blow me up with cat farts. for a while his nickname was fartbox. boss knows me so well, but he also cares, he listens to me and remembers. i appreciate that so much. i found a video of my little guy laying on his back next to me on the couch, sleepily kneading the air (aka "making biscuits" for you southerners) after i had come home from boy's one weekend. it's really good quality and really long and it made me smile so much. i still cry as soon as i wake up, as soon as i have my wits about me and realize he isn't there. it's too quiet. but this morning i discovered this video, so i am going to start my day with that from now on to keep my spirits up. i still feel like i'm sleepwalking. i really want this sensation to pass the most. the grief, i know i can work through it. but my body hurts, i'm so tired, i can't concentrate on anything. physically, i'm really struggling. the good things are that it is snowing right now. it's so beautiful. nice big fluffy flakes. that makes me happy. ER will have to go away for two weeks to see his mom because she's not doing well, so i'm going to work at the other location in his place. two weeks straight of 10 hour days will result in two amazing checks, and by then i should be done repaying boss, so with the rest of the money (beyond my usual budget) i'm going to get my sweet mr. chubby tattooed next to babyboy on my leg. babyboy is already there, and the tattoo is pretty huge, so i guess i'm going to go on the outside of my leg with chubby, and add some red roses (red was his color) and one of his favorite toys. it'll be nice to do it in the winter so i'm not trying to heal it in the summer. it will be nice and protected and well healed by dress season. sigh. this entry isn't about anything, i guess i'm just here trying to talk about it. i just need to get it out. boss was right, the hardest time is in the morning but also when i come home at night. as soon as i step in the door and no one comes running, the tears come instead. i've been so happy living alone, but i have never truly been alone until now. it's hard. well i guess i'm going to eat dinner now and do the meal planning i didn't do last night. i had received two cards in the mail from both of his vets and lost it again so i started playing video games instead to distract myself. tonight i really need to do it, because i need to eat healthier in general, but also becase SIL gave me this dress that i was SO jealous of when i hung out with her one weekend. i think she doesn't fit in it anymore, and it fit me almost perfectly except it won't zip all the way in the back. i have really broad shoulders for a woman so the only thing i can do is to lose probably 10-15 lbs for it to ever hope to zip. it's a shame because it fits so well everywhere else. when i lose the weight it will probably be a little too baggy on me. we'll see. okay. good night. thank you again for the support. hug your babies every day, no matter what, because you never know what will happen. give them that extra treat, take them on that extra walk. buy them another toy. there were many days i went in to work late and lost a half hour because mr. chubs wanted to play. when i was doing it i always thought to myself, how much money do i make in a half hour? is it worth missing out on this? the answer was almost always no. so i never felt guilty, because i knew those mornings with him were worth more to me than any paycheck. now, i am so thankful for all of those days, and for therapy, for teaching me what was truly important to me in life, and how to treasure it. thanks for the memories, little one. |